And Then There Was Drip, Drip, Drip….

You ever had one of these? A tap or shower that drips? I got one. The shower head started to drip, a really irritating one drip every twenty minutes drip. But that drip, falling from the shower head, took on the sound of a pistol shot at three AM o’clock in the morning. It’s then impossible to sleep as you have started timing it and waiting for the crack. And then you just give up and get up.

Decided I had to get it sorted, it’s not going to get better on it’s own is it? Well, is it? Sadly, the controller thingy, where I assumed all the washery and ‘O’ ringy stuff would be, is cunningly recessed into the wall and tiled over with just the on-off knobby bit sticking out.

Never mind; softly, softly, stoppy drippy.

I got the wench but she refused to have anything to do with it, so I got the wrench and with the wenches words of encouragement ringing in my ears, “You crazy? You know what you doing? Sure? This could end in tears. Make sandwiches, this may take long time,” I got started.

First rattle out of the box confirmed my concerns regarding water and leaks. Water off – drain – replace washer – water on – job done. WAIT, wait!! See small leak at pipe coupling – water off – drain - tighten coupling – water on – job done. WAIT, wait!! See small leak at next pipe coupling.
Repeat above for ever.

With only a couple of couplings to re-couple before I reached the end of the line I decided to take a break from re-coupling couplings for a couple of hours. I was glad I had the sandwiches as I had been re-coupling couplings for quite some much of a long time by now and then.

I must say that the spot I chose to take a break, and as a small indication of how stopping drips can have a quite dramatic ‘knock-on’ effect, gave a really spectacular view over the reservoir and the surrounding countryside.

And the drip? I was possibly a tad over excited at getting to the last coupling, the one that connects me to the reservoir; roughneck tight and one turn more was possibly ‘one turn more’ too many, and has, and this is spooky, resulted in a really irritating, one drip every twenty minutes, drip from the shower head, a broken wrench and a laughing wench.

Anyhoo, time for food after that long walk. Mmmm, smells like my ol’ favourite, squirrel au gratin.

Quote; Stephen Wright.

“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”

And Then We Got Serious….

How about a smile to start the weekend? Enjoy, then move on and have a good weekend an’ that; Buby.

Quote; Carl Sandburg.

“There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.”

And Then There Were Three Steps….

I have been meaning to post the last line of this piece for some time and the kick I needed was buying a set of step ladders the other day.

This was a set of three-step steps. Three steps. Included with the steps, three steps, were three A4 pages of tightly typed shiny paper, with diagrams, explaining how to use the three steps and instructing me on the safe use of the three steps and what they couldn’t be used for, all three steps. These instructions and warnings are condensed and glued all over the step-ladder, all three steps.

I mean, where is this coming from? There are three steps for crying out loud, three! A page of instructions for each step? (Yea, I know. I’ve seen the advertizingment, “….I were given the wrong type of ladder an’ I got loads o’ money!”

Risk of litigation aside, do people really need all this? Are we all that gooney? Do we need to be told not to stand on the really thin hand-hold bitty at the top, with one foot, while leaning forty-five degrees to port? Do we? Of course not. Did we ever try doing that? Sure did. Did we fall? Sure did. Did we learn from that? Sure did. Did we do it again? Sure didn’t.

Did we sue? Didn’t. Why not? Didn’t give it a thought, and if we had, still wouldn’t. Why not? Too damn shy, that’s why not. “Yes I did Your Honour. There was nothing with the step-ladder to say I shouldn’t. Oh, and I was wearing frogman’s flippers ‘couse, again, there was nothing in the instructions to say I shouldn’t. Pretty damn stupid eh? Can I have the money now? I want to go home.”

“Hay, how did you lose the tip of your finger?”
”Peeling potatoes.”
”Oh dear. Sharp knife?”
”No, the step ladders I was using slammed shut on me.”
”Oh dear. Kind o’ stupid to use steps don’t ya’ think?”
”What? Why? Nothing in the book to say I shouldn’t use ‘em for peeling potatoes, an’ I was in a hurry.”

I well remember more or less just dumping my little nest of vipers, who is a foreign person from Southern Eastish Asiarainia, when we moved over to Englandistan and I had to go back over there to work.

A ‘Little Nest of Vipers’ earlier…..

On getting back over there I guess a bit of nanny kicked in and I found myself ‘phoning a couple of times a day to make sure all was well. Central heating? Gas fires? Shopping? Top step leaning? Flippers? Potato peeling? Don’t step on and off moving buses like wot you’ve been used to be doing as that’s not allowed where you be now. Coping with the Polish language lessons? So on and so forth.

On day three she asked why I was phoning so much rather than the agreed one call a week. I explained I was concerned and wanted to make sure she was managing okay.

And this was her reply, which, for me, says it all.

"If you keep trying to hold my hand, I'll never learn to walk on my own."

‘Nuff said.

Quote; Henry Louis Mencken.

“The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

And Then There Were Lost Books….

Writing, as wot I did last time, about crayoning reminded me of the time I was sitting in the galley of a rig, way up north of the North Sea, with some other fools beside, enjoying our evening meal, when the Night Pusher came in to eat after finishing his shift hand-over with the Rig Sup. He sat down and by the look on his face we knew all was not well.

With shaking voice he told us the Rig superintendent, let’s call him Al, was in his office, screaming, bouncing of the walls, and generally going absolutely ballistic to the power of 3. For why? Someone, allegedly, had been into his cabin and taken three of his favourite books.

Now Al was a fine fellow, a bear of a man from Canada, or as I’m sure the BBC would love to call it, Canadar, who could create mayhem by the simple expedient of waking up. I’m sure that any trick cyclist who got to analyse Al would have concluded right quick, had they lived, that he was certifiably, homicidally nuts. As I said, a fine fellow. Perfectly suited for the offshore industry.

The news of the ‘missing’ books was devastating and with appetites lost, we sat in our own worlds mulling over the possible horrendous repercussions this reckless act could have on us all. Repercussions that were flashing through our minds and then being discussed round the table and ranged from the possibility of random, public executions to, horror of horrors, him cancelling the sprinkles and crushed nuts for the ice cream.

The Night Pusher, seeing we were all suitably hooked, brought us back to our comfort zones by rounding off the tale with, “Yea, three books. And he hadn’t finished colouring two of them.”

Quote, modified; ??

“I come from a remote part of Canada{r} that has the area code, EIEIO.”

And Then There Were Foxes….

They have been in the news recently, not good news, but news all the same. Although a tad behind the times it do give me an excuse to shove this fine track on here.

Quote; P. J. O’Rourke.

“Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.”

And Then We Had Gas….

The door bell rang and having nothing better to do I decided to answer it. After repeatedly shouting ‘hello’ at the inside part of the door bell kit, the ding-dong bit, and getting no response, I made the grown-up decision to open the door.

The door bell ringing person announced he had come to check out the old boiler.

“Really? I think there must be some mistake,” I replied, “I mean she’s not perfect, what woman is eh? But she’s not for sale. Least, I don’t remember putting her up for sale. Anyway, I’m sure that’d be illegal. Unless……… you’ve found a loophole in the law? Have you?”
“WHAT? No, no. I’ve got one of those anyway – don’t want another. No, your gas central heating boiler. Annual inspection.”
“Riiight!! I remember! You were here last year weren't you?”
“No.”
“Right then.”
”Any chance you can show me where the boiler is then?”
“Right then. Well the boiler, the gas one, ha ha, is hidden behind that cupboard door over there. No, the big one. Actually, it’s not hidden now is it, as I’ve just told you where it is. I mean, if I’d really wanted it to be properly hidden I’dve just told you to find it yourself when you asked where it was, for a bit of fun, right? So it’s not rel…”
“Please, can I just get started? I’ve got a lot of boiler inspecting to do today.”
“Of course, of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble on like that. Please just start doing that inspecting thing what you’re here to be doing to my old boiler my good gas boiler inspecting person. Can I watch?”
“No.”
“I’ll be in there then. I have some crayoning I can be getting on with. Just call if you need any help.”
“Yea, right.”
”I’ll let you get going with your inspectioning stuff then.”
”Oh, yes please.”
”Right then. I’ll…… I’ll just…..”

He must’ve enjoyed our merry banter ‘couse, later, when I took a shower I discovered, too late, that before leaving, the inspecting person had adjusted the hot water setting to ‘Suns Core Plus 100.’ I guess he just wanted to have the last laugh.

On the bright side, I don’t have to worry about back scrubbing any more. No back left to scrub, just cooked meat. Must remember to say nothing when an inspecting person visits next year. Let ‘em in, nod towards the boiler hiding place, let ‘em out. That’s all. Nothing else. And to check the temperature setting after they have been and gone, before getting in the shower. But that’s only common sense. {Note to self; Still need to get some of that.}

Quote; Mary Buckley.

“Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.”

And Then I Did Some Painting….

It being a nice day an’ all, I took myself and my kit into the garden and did a bit of painting. it was the first bit of painting I’ve done for some considerable time and, as I remembered, found it very relaxing.

What with the warm sun, the smell of flowers, bird song and the drone of a high flying single prop plane above, I soon slipped into a semi trance state and the brush became an extension of my inner self and just flowed over the work.

I was very pleased with the final result, in fact so pleased I considered hanging it on the dining room wall. After giving it further thought, I reluctantly decided the dining room wall was quite possibly not the place to hang a black garden gate. Other than as a tremendous conversation starter;

“Hullo.”

“Hullo. Oh, I see you’ve got a garden gate hanging on the wall.”

“Yup.”

“A black one.”

“Yup.”

“Well, that’s, err, that’s.. Whoa, will you just look at the time! Have I been here THAT long? Gotta go! 'By.” Patter patter patter patter patter……

“'By.”

‘Gate’
{33” X 36” - Black gloss on primed wood.}

While painting the gate I did, of course, get paint on my shirt so needed to give it a wash. ‘Look at those stains! And it has to be ready for tomorrow! I’d better get this right first time!’ It didn’t matter how many times I said it, or how irritatingly whiny I made my voice, that woman in the pinkie/reddish T-shirt didn’t materialize to help with that miracle stain dissolving, shifting looking stuff. Oh, and who’s this Steve fellow? What’s happened to Gavin from Autoglass? I’m getting a tad concerned.

Quote; Al Capp.

“Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.”

And Then There Was A ‘New’ ‘Old’ One….

The answer to the crossword clue was, of course, WATER. I must admit that even when I was told the answer I had to have it explained to me. But I was young and stupid then. Pardon? Yes?

I ran into this over at Looking for a Voice. I hadn’t heard it before but I do be liking it quite much, so, if you… sorry? No, not you, you over there, yes, you! haven’t listened to it over at the other place, and to save you going over there, it’s here. But don’t let that stop you going over there to listen if you would prefer, but… Oh, never mind, just enjoy it. But if you don’t like it, then try the other place – it may sound better over there……

As for that Gulf leaky, sticky stuff, remember the mention of pelicans? Seems I’m not the only one talking about them. You MUST go and read the scoop over at the Daily Mash.

Well, I don’t know. The lengths these big companies will go to eh? Makes you be wondering about stuff. And the photo really is very cleaver and it took me ages to see where it had been ‘joined up’. You just can’t trust your own eyes anymore can you?

Quote; Unknown.

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

And Then There Was Electricity….

For those who know about that ol’ one and two and three stuff, Y’know, school stuff, you may like the following little tale from, yup, your right again, way back.

This tale was told to me by a Radio Operator I worked with somewhere in the North Sea.

On leaving school he joined the RAF and after basic training selected his craft and started schooling to qualify as a Radio Officer. Along with the other trainees, on their first day of school, after introductions, the Training Officer was pacing back and forth in front of the class and posed the rhetorical question, “What is electricity?”
To his great surprise, a little herbert towards the back of the class put his had up.
”Well?” enquired the surprised Training Officer.
”Electricity’s like, well, it’s to do with the poles. No, no, it’s when some magnetism sort of, er…. No, wait!! It’s when…. er, it’s if some….. No, sorry, I’ve forgotten.” and the herbert stammered to a stop.
”Gentlemen,” boomed the Training Officer, “To the best of my knowledge there are only two people who know what electricity is. There’s God, and he won’t tell us, and there’s you, and you’ve bloody forgotten!”

This Radio Officer was also very proud of the fact that he had once won a prize for the Times crossword competition. Rightly so I would say. His favourite crossword thingy was a five letter word with the clue; H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Answer next post. But I’m sure you’ll get it. It’s quite famous I believe. In crossword land anyway.

But I shall forever remember him for these words as I strolled into the Radio Room one day while he was taking a telephone message. Turning to me he asked, in a wonderfully deep, rumbling, mock thespian voice, “Ah, dear boy. Do you perchance have a pen secreted about the voluminous folds of your outer garments?”

No, I didn’t. Have a pen. Secreted anywhere. At all.

Quote; W. J. Bryan.

“Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.”

And Then There Was Help With Counting….

Did you catch the TV news last night? {Can’t remember the channel.} The presenter was excited by the reported sighting of TWO white squirrels in the North of England.

A photograph was then shown of ONE white squirrel.

The presenter then, very helpfully, to prevent any confusion, pointed out that the photograph only showed ONE white squirrel, not TWO.

I mean, really? I know the UK education system is churning out thousands of illiterate and innumerate folk, but is it so bad we need the difference between ONE and TWO clarified? ONE not TWO? Is it that bad? Is it? Oh….

Quote; Gabel’s Law.

“Tow is not equal to three - not even for very large values of two.”

And Then It Was 1977….

19 WHAT? Yup, 77. And this sounds better now than wot it did then. To me anyway. You find a sound, you listen to it. Again and again and, just in case, again and after a week you never want to hear the damn thing again. Ever. Then, several years later, you run into the sound again and guess what? You listen to it. Again and again and, just in case, again and after a week you never want to hear the damn thing again. Ever. Then…. Anyhoo, sure you get the idea from where I do be coming from – which is about half a mile off and drifting. Whoa!! Pill time!!

And is that ever a cool name? Wreckless Eric, like, how cool is that? {Got the ‘like’ in, but should there be an ‘innit’ in there somewhere?}

Quote; Well, sort of.

A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

And Then There Was Goonery….

I was reminded of The Goon Show yesterday by Caratacus. After a quick Google, a lie down, then a quick search, I ran head first into this bit of timeless, classic Gooniness. Love it.

It also makes you be wondering a bit about a bit of thinking I did a bit ago about if there’s anything that CAN’T be found on that You Tube thingy. I’ll think a bit more about it when I get a bit of time. And that'll be a little bit after a while ago I guess. Woops, time for my pills.

Quote; Victor Borge.

“I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.”

And Then, So Far, The Cap Is Working….

Seems BP, and all involved, have done the bizz. Well done boys; hope she be holding up and keeps holding up. Gettin’ tired? I bet! So here’s a little light relief for you all, and all the good folk of that place down there……….. a Friday foot tapper.

Quote; Denis Waitley.

“I had the blues because I had no shoes, until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.”

And Then There Were These….

As I continue to wade through old hard drives I waded into this old – what? Yes, yes!! Old. Okay? list of “Wish I’d said that” one-liners. Hope you enjoy them. Even though they’re old. Better still, hope you can use some.

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
6. Ahhh...I see the f-ck-up fairy has visited us again...
7. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
12. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
16. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.
23. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
24. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
25. Do I look like a people person?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. You! Off my planet!
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Allow me to introduce my selves.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
32. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door No. 1?
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted the pay-checks.
36. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
37. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
38. How many times must I flush before you leave?
39. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Quote; Groucho Marx.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

-

And Then There Was Comfort Music….

After the last BP animation we had a little atmospheric music. Same again. I was going to link to Missing my Mississippi then thought I should leave that ‘till there is total success down there. I switched to the ‘Southern Comfort’ title track. Nice mellow, haunting sort o’ sound.

From the news on the inter-web-a-net it looks like BP, and all involved, may get a result. That’ll make the pelicans happy I guess.

Quote; William Faulkner.

“To understand the world, you must first understand a place like Mississippi.”

And This Is What BP Are Doing Right Now….

Another one of BP’s animations for your clicking on and watching of. I mean, if you want to. You don’t have to of course. But if you want to, then go ahead. But please, only if you want to. You really, really don’t have to. I mean if you have other stuff to do, then just don’t click. But, if it’s a slow evening and you were wondering what to do, then go ahead and click. Are we all clear on that one?

http://bp.concerts.com/gom/sealingcapinstallationanimationwithkentwells070910.htm

Did you click on it? Did you? If you did, well, waddaya say about that then? Looks easy enough don’t cha think? Don’t look like no big deal from the big sofa what where I’m sitting……

Quote; George Gobel.

"If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

And Then There Was Clean-up Music….

To follow on from the BP spilly clean-up post, keeping to that area of the world and it being Friday an’ all, try this bit of music from Southern Comfort. It HAS to get your foot tapping, no? Oh, and sorry about the pig. I’m sure it’s only pretend. And if it is pretend, well, damn good acting……. He do have talent.

Quote; Bill Bryson

“The average Southerner has the speech patterns of someone slipping in and out of consciousness. I can change my shoes and socks faster than most people in Mississippi can speak a sentence.”

And Then There Was A Bit Of Pretend Drilling….

This is a link to a very good animation, for my reader who may not be familiar with drilling stuff, showing and explaining what BP are attempting with that spilly thing in the Gulf of Mexico. It’s also a good illustration of the art{?} of directional drilling. Cleaver stuff – let’s hope it works as it should.

http://bp.concerts.com/gom/reliefwellgraphics062710.htm

I remember when the ‘Amoco Cadiz’ hit the beach in Brittany back in the late 70’s and dropped some oil, a French guy I worked with, from Franceshire, used to go diving in the area hunting for crab and lobster. He was devastated, at the time of the crash, at the prospect of loosing his fun fishing.

Less then a year after the surface clean-up had been completed he took a dive, out of interest, to see what sort of sub-sea disaster the oil spill had caused. He said they found many and varying sizes of oil globules clinging to the rocks and such, but, and this is the kicker, the marine life was far more abundant than pre-crash. The crab and lobster population seemed to be way above pre-crash numbers and of a much larger size.

Possibly the Gulf mess could result in better fishing in the future? I know, I know, not too good for things with feathers, and not too good for anything in the hear and now; but a tad later?

Quote; P. J. O’Rourke.

"The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it."

Quote; ??

“A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring.”

And Then I Remembered This….

Remember this old movie? They Live. And it’s one of my favourite lines. So very simple.

It also gives me the excuse to use the quote below. It relates to American TV, but close enough for jazz don’t ya think? It goes back a bunch of years, and is popping up all over the place again right now relating to English footy. Can’t understand why……..

Quote; Hunter S. Thompson.

"It is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

And Then We Finish With Cabbages….

Mr. Puddlecote has had to amend the cabbage figures he put up on his site the other day by offering a Mea Cabbages Culpa. It appears the cabbage figure was lower that he first thought. After more research he has come up with the figures below.

The truth is that there are nowhere near 26,253 words regulating cabbages. In fact, it's a mere 1,990.

Along with 2,950 for cauliflowers and artichokes, 2,675 for asparagus, 1,972 for aubergines, 2,004 for beans, 3,980 for sprouts, celery and spinach, 2,260 for chicory, 1,925 for courgettes, 2,031 for cucumbers, 2,281 for mushrooms, 2,190 for garlic, 1,928 for leeks, 2,138 for lettuces, 2,235 for onions, 1,927 for peas, and 2,298 for sweet peppers.
... not counting amendments.

Therefore, the illustration of absurdly overweening EU hyper-regulation should have read thus:

· Pythagoras’ Theory – 24 words
· Lords’ Prayer – 66 words
· Archimedes Principle – 67 words
· Ten Commandments - 179 words
· Gettysburg Address – 267 words
· US Declaration of Independence – 1,321 words
· Magna Carta (including signatures) – 3,856 words
· EU regulations on sale and trade of vegetables – more than 36,784 words

Quote; Dave Barry.

“To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.”

And Then There Was A Cabbage….

Please find below the first year progress regarding the Cabbage Marketing project.

At the start of the year we successfully located to new offices and completed the hiring of new personnel. Through careful selection we managed to keep the new hire figure to just two hundred and fifty for head office.

This figure was also kept low by taking the decision to out-source some of the work thus we require only liaison departments.

We are also continuing a-pace sourcing, staffing and arranging accommodation for the new staff, for our offices located in all the major cabbage growing countries. Hotel accommodation will be block booked in these countries to alleviate possible problems for our Travel and Accommodation Department.

Each country manager has also been instructed to out-source the provision of limousines, drivers and security details, and to ensure they are ready to go 24/7. This will be closely monitored, involving frequent visits and meetings, by our Health and Safety Department.

It has been requested by the Health and Safety Department that we should lease an aircraft, for their use only, to be ready to go at all times in case they are required, PDQ, for issues and investigations. I will talk to you shortly regarding this, but can’t see how we can say ‘no’ given the two words ‘health’ and ‘safety’ are involved with the request. The Health and Safety manager has informed me he has contracted out the compilation of a Power Point presentation to re-enforce his request. The delivery of this, he tells me, is a tad behind schedule and thus over budget.

If this goes ahead I will, of course, hold an ‘away week’ and meeting with all department heads and their families to explain why they can’t all have their own jets.

While on the subject of away time, the HR Department have been organising monthly staff ‘away days’. These have been a great help regarding team building in relaxing surroundings and have also give me the opportunity to repeatedly remind staff what exactly it is we are supposed to be doing. We may need to increase the frequency of these away days as deadlines approach. I feel the cost of these days will be more than be recouped in quality reports re cabbages.

Back at Head Office; the IT consultants must be complimented on their sterling work. After only three months all our desks could communicate with each other and we are assured that communication with the outside world is now only weeks away.

Another two out-sourcing projects were the design and implementation of our website and a ‘brand name’ for the project.

The web design company report they have encountered some difficulties and the launch of the site will now be pushed back by another twelve months and, sadly, be more than double the original quote. They assure me they are giving the project their full and undivided attention and I am being kept up to speed on their progress, or lack thereof, although, I must confess, they may as well be speaking Zirgon for all I can understand.

Similarly, the branding and advertising consultants had a huge over-run, but, given the extremely difficult task, this is understandable. However, despite the time and huge added cost, we are highly delighted and very excited with the final, very cleaver brand name, “The Cabbage Patch.”

I have been alerted to further delays and added costs regarding the logo. This will feature a cabbage being held by peoples of all nations. This logo will personify the global and culturally diverse nature of the cabbage and it’s place in society. The delay arises from problems sourcing a big enough cabbage to have a lot of hands on it. I have given the consultants a further six month deadline and, if nothing is forthcoming in that time, then we will resort to knocking something up with The Gimp.

The Global and Ethnic Diversity Department are forging ahead and are presently attempting to researching the roll of the cabbage in differing religions and cultures. This will also be a much longer task than anticipated given the IT people are struggling to get Google working. As the lead on this project I did suggest to the Global Diversity people that they could possibly use books and libraries for their research. They pointed out to me, like I was some stupid six-year-old, that they would still need Google to find out what ‘book’ and ‘Library’ meant.

Finally, a couple of points for your consideration.

Firstly, the Remuneration Department are having problems clearing staff expense claims in a timely manner. May I suggest we take an average of all expense claims for the last year, multiply the result by three and just pay this, along with salary, to all staff members.

Secondly, everyone wants a new iPhone.

Looking to the future, we hope to have a preliminary draft document of proposals for discussion out-lining the many and diverse ways we could move forward regarding the selling of cabbages, ready for consultation and the committee stage, towards the end of the third quarter of next year, in time for the first Cabbage Patch Conference.

Quote; Mark Twain.

“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”