And Then, Not So Smart...

   And that would be our smart meter. You remember me getting one a little bit after a while ago for the simple purpose of making life a tad less stressful for my little nest of vipers when I leave this mortal coil? Well, about fifteen days ago the little display thingy refused to connect with the smart{?} meter.
   Over the days I done did everything recommended to establish a connection, all to no avail.
   Anyhoo, yesterday I had a visit from B. Gas for the annual boiler service so I obviously asked wot was my problem. His reply? I was just one of many hundreds of thousands of smart{?} meters that they’d lost contact with. I say again, smart? So meter problem not the little display thingy then.
   His advice was to call B. Gas just to add my meter to the growing list of meters wot they’ve lost their connection with.
   Thus this morning was lost to hanging on the telephone listening to shabby choons and finally talking with a nice Indian lady. This conversation took quite some time as she had to slowly decode and translate my questions and I done did likewise with her answers.
   End result? They’re working on the connection problems, wait a pair of weeks and if there’s still no connection they’ll be in touch regards a possible engineer visit. Your call has been recorded for training purposes. That would be two way language training, right?
   Thus, at present, I’m back were I was before with dumb meters and having to submit readings. Isn’t modern technology such a wonderous thing eh? Put not all/any of your trust in computers.
   However, must look for a bit o’ loop mixing tech after listening to wot’s below.

Quote;  Mike Trout.

"Technology is ruled by two types of people: those who manage what they do not understand, and those who understand what they do not manage."

And Then Another Number...

   And it’s a big one. A tad over another half a million newest bestest friends rolled up in the past year? Let’s remember this is a ‘conservative’ total.
   Then we have our pals languishing in four star hotels all over the country. Just a thought; where do those hotel dwellers go if their request for asylum is granted? Where do they go to live and wot benefits do they get? Page down to Claiming Benefits. Hell, it’s only our tax money eh?
   At the risk of repeating myself – it’s a habit – when we relocated to the UK, to be close to the NHS, blessed be its name, and good programs on the telly – our mistake - it took two years to get a leave to remain visa for my little nest of vipers.
   Why? She had to prove her ability to speak and understand English. Just an interview? No, a certificate from an adult education college. Just an interview there then? No, a years course and an exam. Spookily, along with her, if memory serves, there were only another two in her class who had to pay, and pay a bunch, for the course. Guess wot? Only three failed  the exam and that needed another years course at further great expense. How weird is that then?
   Finally, at great cost all round, she got her leave to remain visa. Guess wot again? No recourse to public funds thus no benefits of any kind and not even a percentage of my pension when I’m gone. Man, how we wish she’d come over by dinghy.

Quote;  Daniel Tosh.

“Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.”

And Then They Stop...

   I noted today that one of our universities, that would be an an English university, is going to drop their English Literature degree course.
   Wot’s that all about then? The reason given is the lack of jobs requiring that degree upon graduation.
   Or could it be they see, term by term, the demographic change in their stoodent intake as the country, day by day, greets ever more of our newest bestest ever friends and thus the English intake slowly, slowly edges towards minority status?
   Anyhoo, It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that a modern day university degree exam in English Lit. is just a tad easier to pass than an English Lit. GCE ‘O’ level at age fifteen was way back in the day.
   You’d think, would you not, that our Ministry of Education would be jumping up and down with threats of cutting funding if they cut their curriculum an’ such. Let me think; who’s the Minister of Education again? Oh right, I remember, that would be Nadhim Zahawi. ‘Nuff said...
   With every passing day, this blue do we’re suffering gets to be an ever darker hue of blue do it not.
Addendumadodad: Just ran into another wonderous education item.  In warm weather boys can wear skirts but not shorts. Ah shacks ma heed.

Quote;  ??

“What happens in an exam: Tik-tock, mind block, pen stop, eye pop, full shock, jaw drop, time up, no luck.”

And Then A Bit O’ Grammar...

   While doing the clicky around that Tube of You thingy the other evening I ran into the piece further down wot made me smile a while.
   Anyhoo, it rang bells relating to an earlier post wot I done did regards punctuation and how a full stop now strikes fear into younger folk.
   And we all know the importance of capitalisation as it means the difference between helping your Uncle Jack of a horse or...
   This, no, not that, this, got me further thinking about letter writing and if the young have ever written a letter or is it all txt gibberish now? Is letter writing even taught in school anymore? Remember that? How to start a letter and how to end it? Remember Faithfully and Sincerely and which to use and when?
   Old and stuck in my ways as I am, I still use that long ago taught letter format even in E-mails to those not - wot shall I say - of too close an acquaintance.
   Signatures? How much mail do you get with the catchily memorable signature Sent From My Android Device or Sent From My iPhone? To those, I usually reply, sent from my sofa.
   Do folk not know how simple it is to delete that and add a meaningful signature to their phone or tablet E-mail?
   Finally, you’ll be delighted to learn, I was recently in recipient  of a mass mailing from some outfit purporting  to be a financial service and should I wish to avail myself of said service, they offered professional advice regards pensions an’ such; just complete and return the enclosed form.  To illustrate their professionalism, the  last paragraph of their mail started thusly; ‘Once we have had received...’. Ah shacks ma heed.
   Enough already, click below and enjoy. Even if you’re one of the fifty-five and a half million plus folk that’ve already watched it.

         

Quote;  Lex Martin.

“The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”

And Then, A Bit Of English...

   ...like wot it’s spoken in this brave new world wot we live in via an ‘interesting’ clip provided by the good Ripper. Kind of illustrates the state of ‘our’ education system does it not. Wot? Not? You sure it’s not and not knot? Funny that the grownup use of English hasn’t hit home but the chemi cocktail propaganda has been received and is firmly lodged in place. Job done I guess.
   And this young lady is still, like, at school? Couple this with our highly educated ‘betters above us’ grasp of our language with their constant use of wellerum... And boy, was there some welleruming on the TV this AM of a morning was.
   Just a simple, fun way, to illustrate how far we’ve fallen, I guess the question these days would run along these lines.
“Well, er, you, like, got, like, a pen?”
How well I remember a radio operator asking me the same question, oft repeated here, although slightly differently phrased. “
Excuse me. Would you, perchance, have a pen secreted about the voluminous folds of your outer garments?” 
   Finally, wot does ‘like’ even mean? I understand such as, ‘I like to go out for a nice meal’ or, ‘I like that colour.’ Wot I don’t understand is ‘like’ being used in such as, ‘I can’t, like, wait to get another, like, shot of chemi cocktail.’

  Quote;  Dorothy L. Sayers.

“The English language has a deceptive air of simplicity; so have some little frocks; but they are both not the kind of thing you can run up in half an hour with a machine.”

And Then, Happy...

This early AM whilst sitting on the sofa surfing the TV channels in a futile search for proper news to take me along to pill poppin’ time, I stumbled onto wot I guess passes for news these days. And that was? Well, it seems a lady owner of a hairdressers had put together an advert for more staff. The advert obviously pointed out the expected requirements for doing hair and concluded that applicants should be of a happy disposition.

She submitted the advert to the local Job Centre and got a quick reply from said Job Centre stating that the word ‘happy’ was unacceptable as it discriminated against unhappy folk. Say wot now? Hello? Aren’t there any grownups in charge of anything, anywhere anymore?

Does that signal the end of happy birthday, happy Christmas and happy anniversary; in fact all happy wishes cards just in case the recipient of any such card might be unhappy at time of receipt of said card and become traumatised at the suggestion they’re happy?

Typing’s getting harder by the day is it not? Wot with scary punctuation, shouty capitalisation and now happy hurty words. So much to think of; so little interest. Where the hell are we going with all this? Where the hell is this potty, rutty, nutty road we’re on leading?

          

In other news, I see there’s been a stabathon in Brum which was, apparently, Covid-1984 induced. Hello? Flue ‘problems’ persuaded some fellow to go all stabby of an evening? Makes a change from government cuts leading to a lack of youth clubs  with ping-pong tables I guess but one wonders wot else will be blamed on this virus in the near future? Am I alone in getting the feeling straws are frantically being clutched at?

Quote;  Rita Mae Brown.

“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”

And Then No Offence...

when i red the news yesterday it came to my attention that i may have been causing any younger folk who blunder through the foggy mirror nausea and intense anxiety by my copious use of punctuation especially that scary full-stop thingy but in my defence I was just doing it how wot I was taught at school in the olden days but to make amends for my bad  please note how much more friendly this post is sans and that means without punctuation id link to the related links on the world wide whatsit but the articles are littered with that fear inducing little dot and I dont want to be responsible for folk clicking and causing themselves further anguish so please do your own research at your own risk im still researching how this affects the use of capitalisation as its use would now seem to be all but redundant and anyway the use could well signify a shouty aggressive and superior sort of attitude so im guessing best not used question is will capitalisation still be acceptable for names an stuff like that

regards to paragraphs i dont know at this time but im sure some guidance as to their like obsolescence or otherwise will be like coming along like awesomely soon

in conclusion  ah shacks ma heed as to how far weve fallen  from being empire builders to a peoples terrified of a small dot in amongst some text and that loud high pitched whirring sound you can here is many an english teacher spinning  in their graves close to the speed of light bu-by

quote  lynne truss or Lynne Truss whichever is acceptable

“To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as ‘Thank God its Friday’ (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive ‘its’ (no apostrophe) with the contractive ‘it's’ (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a Pavlovian ‘kill’ response in the average stickler.”

And Then, Just Words...

With the takeover of ‘reporting’ on TV news by young ladies continuing apace, I though I’d pop in to ‘report’ on two entertaining uses of our language I overheard just this morning. One related to the ongoing farrago concerning Harry and sparkles and was delivered by some Royal family watcher and reporter. After the obligatory ‘Well’ and a  few rambling words, came the statement  ‘...they will really probably...’ Definitely finger on the pulse stuff right there.

Secondly was a young lady reporter giving her in-depth reporting regarding the shooting down of the passenger aircraft which she described as being ‘...shot down from the air...’ I gave thanks for the clarification as to where the plane had been when shot down. To me, that one is as good as the one a while back when a ship was breathlessly reported as being ‘Outside the harbour waiting on the water...’

I wonder if all these ‘reporters’ need to attend some sort of English course, to make up for the English classes they obviously missed while at school, covering  how it should be writed down and how it’s read – for read, read red -  out-loud and spoked. Or should I just accept the fact that I’m an old fellow who should stop nitpicking such stuff and just let the young talk like wot they want to?

Finally, off-topic but worth a watch;
             

Quote;  Brian Regan.

“How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."”

And Then, A Message...

Well, so, continuing the apparent collapse of the English language, I was sitting in the waiting area of the GPs surgery the other day, waiting for a nurse to take a blood sample and thus with nothing much else to do, I studied the ticker type display on the wall way over and up there. It periodically gave a  beep and then displayed the name of the next patient to be seen and the number of the room they should make for. Other than that, it showed various general ‘information’ messages and it was one of these that ‘triggered’ me.

The message was, ‘Did you know that a chemist can see most things’ and no, there was no punctuation. Wot does that even mean? My first thought was wot a relief it was to know chemists weren’t fumbling about with foggy vision trying to match the hazy writing on a prescription to the blurry writing on all those boxes and packs of meds in their store and thus were able to present the right meds to the right recipient.  However, reading it another way, it could also mean chemists dabble in the paranormal and can occasionally see dead people hanging about behind you. Or, in the interests of health and safety, do we need to ask what exactly it is that chemists can’t see? Scary.

Now this surgery is by no means small and houses many doctors, nurses and ancillary staff thus I wondered why one of those super intelligent folk hadn’t had a quiet word with the ticker technician and suggested dropping the ‘see’ in favour of ‘advise on’. Also, but possibly a step too far, how about replacing ‘things’ with ‘ailments’? Another giant leap could be to replace ‘chemist’ with ‘pharmacist’. End the message with a question mark and they’d be cooking by gas! Little things eh?

See how sad you can become when you find yourself sitting somewhere, solo, waiting and waiting with nothing to do.

Quote;  Bill Bryson.

“English grammar is so complex and confusing for the one very simple reason that its rules and terminology are based on Latin, a language with which it has precious little in common.”

And Then, An English Lesson...

I noted last week that Jacob-Ree-Smug fellow felt it necessary to issue his staff with a grammar guide. How, like, awesome is that then? That he found this was required suggests that our education system could still be heading backwards. I’m guessing his staff are all holders of a university degree, many probably of no actual use other than to say, ‘I’ve been to university’, which makes it all the sadder.

Then, from out of the blue, I discover that the perpetually offended, as they trawled through anything and everything to find something, anything to torment themselves and others with, have ‘discovered’ that snowflakes are offended by receiving one of they text message thingies that ends with a full stop. But I guess you all knew that. To quote:
Everyone knows that ending text messages with a full stop is unnecessarily harsh.
Hello? A full stop is harsh? Everyone knows that?  And the truly frightening thing about this sadness?
Scientists confirm: Ending your text messages with a full stop is heartless 
Hello? A full stop is heartless? Scientists researched this? Scientists? This is worthy of a scientific study? Who was the utter nutter that bankrolled this ‘study’?  Probably us, right?Anyhoo, if I ever receive a text, an idea that’s pretty high on my ‘it’ll never happen to me’ list – having said that, so was suffering a heart attack and look where that got me – I’ll be sure to end any required reply with a pair of exclamation marks. Boom!!

No idea how we got to where we are but to be on the safe side, I apologise to any passing perpetually offended and  snowflakes for any anguish I may have inadvertently caused you by my harsh and heartless scattering of full stops herein  That is all

And thus we come to a lesson in pronunciation.
WARNING: If the sight of a full stop stresses you, for the sake of your sanity, give this a miss. All others, enjoy:

Gerard Nolst Trenité.

“Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!”

Quote;  Lynne Truss.

“To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as ‘Thank God its Friday’ (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive ‘its’ (no apostrophe) with the contractive ‘it's’ (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a Pavlovian ‘kill’ response in the average stickler.”

And Then A Thought...

I had one of they sudden thoughts yesterday, then a snooze, then the thought had gone and proved as hard to grasp again as a handful early morning mist but, eventually, grasp it I did.

So, at the risk of this getting a tad too much, my mind was still in forty seven thousand obsolete words mode when the good Captain Ranty appeared at the periphery of my mind and that lost thought was fully grasped again.

Imagine if the Captain was still with us, imagine the delight he’d have taken in composing his rebellious correspondence with government and others in officialdom using the obsolete mode of wording.

Yet better, imagine the poor bureaucrat in receipt of it, unable to comprehend said mail thus passing it down and along  to some twenty something clerk, demanding they sort it out ASAP thus washing their own hands of the matter. As the clerk would also be totally lost as to wot it was all about, the end result would probably have been the Captain receiving a reply along the lines of, ”We are considering the contents of you letter dated...” probably never to hear from or be troubled by them ever again.

Hay, we could all do it to answer any received  official mail of a demanding nature from say, the tax man or local government departments. Man, you could delay and clog-up ‘officialdom’ for weeks could you not? Even many months.

Yet another avenue to explore.  We really do need that reverse dictionary. Oh, the fun to be had if we had...

Quote;  Ambrose Bierce.

“OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader.”

And Then Those Words...

Further to the recent post regarding my discovery that there are in excess of forty-seven thousand English words that have become ‘obsolete’, there was a lovely comment by the good Caratacus last night wot is pasted below;

Had a bit of a squint at the list you linked to ... and I'm intrigued to see just how many of those supposedly archaic words figure largely in the Caratacus lexicon. My son-in-law finds it hugely amusing when his eleven year old daughter comes out with stuff like, "Avaunt, sirrah - be about your business lest I place this stick where it will inconvenience the bishop" (even I am a bit uncomfortable about being responsible for that one), and so forth. At the archery field, and I swear this is true, she will draw her bow, vouchsafe her old grandad a conspiratorial eye and say, "'ware ye the Frenchies, Grandad" .... can't think where she gets it from.

The pertinent bit of that quote is this; “...how many of those supposedly archaic words figure largely in the Caratacus lexicon.” Now as much as I enjoyed the comment and as much as I’m sure Caratacus enjoyed composing it, he may regret it after reading wot follows.

Do you have a large Scotch to hand? Then I’ll begin.

Sir, your lexicon is indeed impressive so get a bit of this. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to compose a post entirely comprised of those obsolete words. A light-hearted essay relating to some event, such as  archery blunders you’ve possibly encountered? The only rider being it must be humorous. A daunting task I’m sure you’ll agree but I’m absolutely certain your grand daughter will prove to be a most able co-author.

To help you in your task, should you accept it, you may have need to refer to this site and get the PDF file. Another site of interest is here. Check-out Dictionary of Obscure Words and Lost Words. Grandad, you seen those sites? Let’s not forget The Meaning of Liff...

No time pressure, but wouldn’t it make a wonderous Christmas posting? Bet you wish you’d clicked ‘Delete Comment’ instead of ‘Post Comment’ now eh?

Quote;  Marshall Lumsden.

“At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.”

And Then A Wall...

Over at Head Rambles it seem the good Grandad is stuck in front of some concrete. This got me thinking, which is an accomplishment of some magnitude in itself, so well done you.

So, having been prompted to think, this eventually encouraged me to do some research. Hay, relax, research for me is typing a few words into Google, okay? Is this going anywhere or are we all trying to make sense of the same blank concrete wall?

Sorry, wot my research discovered is copied below. Why say ‘below’? Where else is it going to be?  Above? If it was above, you’d already have read {for read, read red} it, right? Hay, for heavens sake Foggy! Stay with the post damn it!
The Second Edition of the 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary contains full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. To this may be added around 9,500 derivative words included as subentries.

Then it gets yet more interesting;
We have seen that the Oxford English Dictionary contains 171,476 words in current use, whereas a vocabulary of just 3000 words provides coverage for around 95% of common texts. If you do the math, that's 1.75% of the total number of words in use!

So, see wot I’m getting at yet? Wot he and indeed we are facing isn’t a lack of ideas, it’s that we’re running out of new ways to arrange the few words at our disposal into new forms that both make sense, inform and/or amuse and – most importantly – haven’t previously been thusly arranged by someone else as when you think about it and think of all that has been written to date, we must be getting awful close to the limit that those few words can be newly arranged without hitting the golden age of ‘repeat’.

Okay, okay I’ll step away from the keyboard now... Hay, is that a new arrangement? No? Oh.

Quote;  Doug Larson.

“If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.”

And Then, Speaking English...

...again. I remember boy Cummerbund mentioning this when he was pretending to be in charge of stuff and I commented at the time. Remember wot? English lessons. Seems now Savage Javelin has ‘calculated’ that there could be as many as seven hundred and seventy thousand folk in the country who can’t speak English.  I beg to differ and I’d put money on the figure being way, way in excess of a million. There’s our own school kids for a start...

Anyhoo, as Me and her... sorry, her and I have had up close and personal dealings with the UK visa process I only have one question. Actually two as the first leads to the second.

So this is the procedure as I remember it and as this goes back a bit I’m quietly confident the process is a tad harder today. Oh, and there were no exceptions for spouses or family. The below does not apply for six month ‘holiday’ visas although getting one of those can be a run around as well.

To get a two year visa you needed proof of adequate funds, a UK address and a guarantor. Those two years were called a probationary period upon completion of which you were expected to apply for an indefinite leave to remain visa. 

To meet the requirements for indefinite leave to remain, you were required to show proof of adequate funds in a UK bank, proof of a permanent UK address and a pass in the Life in the UK test – go on, have a go; a tad tricky if you can’t read English - or an ESOL certificate. That would be English for Speakers of Other Languages and that required a costly course at a collage providing said course, cumulating in an oral and written exam. Upon passing this you do get a very nice looking certificate from Cambridge University.

Upon application, if you fail to provide one of the above English requirements the answer from the immigration authorities was, sorry, no visa, go home and no refund of application fee by the way. Bu-by.

Thus my first question, again, to whomsoever thinks they’re in charge, is what sort of visa are these non English speakers here on? If it’s a two year jobbie, they should already be beavering away learning English ready to meet indefinite leave to remain visa requirements and there is absolutely no need whatsoever to throw fifty mill of our money at the process. Or they plan on going home after two years. However, if they’re already on a leave to remain visa, how did they get said visa without one of the two English requirements noted above? And that leads to my second question; is there, in fact, anybody up there who knows the visa process? Or could said person enlighten me on the process that granted visas to so many non English speaking folk and how we managed to miss that option? Hello? Seven hundred and seventy thousand child refugees?

Put in its simplest terms, anyone here on a leave to remain visa, by definition of the requirements, can understand and speak English. To look at it from another angle, if Savage Javelin knows the whereabouts of all these folk who can’t speak English, just round ‘em up and send ‘em home as, again by definition, they must be here illegally on many grounds, right?

Further to this, when the BBC broke this money for English language stuff, they went out-and-about, as they do, and interviewed several ladies, all similarly attired in natty one-piece head to foot kit, who all replied to questioning in virtually perfect English. What was that all about then?

For more depression on a wet evening, try Old Righty on how awful our parliament has become. After that, do you really want to get your teeth, or in my case tooth – grinding?

After all that and those two links, I do hope I’m still here tomorrow...

Quote;  Julie Burchill.

“It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.”

And Then, A Lesson...

Posting will be spasmodic at best for a while longer as the paperhanging is progressing as well as can be expected, it being conducted by a geriatric gentleman of diminishing measuring and cutting correctly abilities. And why won’t those damn paper edges take past like they did in the past?

Other than that, early doors today I caught the BBC hyperventilating at the news of a Democrat win in the States. This was, of course, reported as a huge setback for Trumpton who’s days surely must now be numbered.

Interestingly, I had my knowledge of geography tested when the BBC fellow on the World Service breathlessly stated the election had been held in Alabarmer. I have to admit I’d always thought it was Alabama but he was a BBC chap so it must be right, right?

The mention of Alabama... sorry, Alabarmer, reminded me that tucked away on my history drive I had an old photo of a group of Alabama... sorry, Alabarmer hunting dogs. Seek and ye shall find. With apologies to the residents of Ala-whatever.

                      

I must away to prepare paste for the morrow. Bu-by.

Quote;  Thomas Jefferson.

“The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.”

And Then It’s Our Fault...

Wot would that be then? Why Irma and company of course. It seems, according to some media outlets here, that it’s all our fault as we’re just not doing enough to prevent that pesky Co2 escaping, running south west** and helping to form hurricanes. I was going to type, ‘you couldn’t make it up’ but you obviously can.

**Capitalise compass points? I done did a Google and a search but got, like, totally confused. As you do with English grimmer.

Interestingly, along the same lines, I see that one of our leading universities is considering letting students type exam answers as their handwriting is deteriorating at such a pace and it’s becoming increasingly hard to read and thus hard to mark their papers. No problem if they want to be doctors I guess.

Please remind me wot kids are supposed to be  taught in school prior to heading off to work or university. Rithmatic, reading and righting, right? But it would seem Cambridge University is admitting that, for quite some time now, they’ve been accepting students who can’t even write legibly. Wot’s that all about then? Don’t they have to write anything before getting into university?

If, for other reasons not yet fully understood, they feel these kids should be granted entry to those hallowed halls, why not just tell ‘em, first rattle out o’ the box, that if any written work or exam answers can’t be read {red}, then that’ll be considered an automatic fail. Start drumming that into kids heads and hands from an early age in fact. It would seem the university has surrendered to the snowflakes without so much as a retaliatory word; neither spoken nor txtd. The age of the machine must truly be with us.

I wait with breath well baited to read an early example of a typed exam answer. It’s going to be, like, so totally, like, awesome.

Okay, here’s our anthem again and, compared to wot’s going on out here, it’s looking saner by the day.

Quote;  Fennel Hudson.

“How is your handwriting?” I ask. “Do you write in pencil or pen?” They stare back at me with squinting eyes and a look that needs no words. “Get with it granddad.”

             Earl Wilson,

“You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”

And Then, That Is That...

This is the day Dave bows out. Gone and soon to be forgotten. Many years in the future, when histories of these times are written by scholars, his brief period on the stage will most likely be deserving of a minimal number of pages. However, when the twenty-first century history of Libya, Syria and the wider Middle East is written, that could be a whole heck of a different kettle of a ball game played by fish.

What’s stuck in my mind over this present period is that the media are still fighting for remain and yesterday some BBC program had a host of young folk, representing ‘in’ and ‘out’, who were presenting their thoughts on the elevation of Theresa Mayhem and the road ahead.

Firstly, it was all but impossible to spot who the ‘leave’ representatives were and secondly, and this may just be me, is there anybody below the age of thirty who can form a sentence without sprinkling it with ‘like’? On reflection, is it something to do with that Facebook thingy? I believe folk fight for ‘likes’ on there, right? Does that mean they log how many times they got to say ‘like’ in a day? Like some sort of online game?

Probably not; and lets not start on those sentence starting irritants of ‘Well’ and ‘So’. The other favourite, ‘awesome’, seems to be dropping out of popularity at the moment. Oh, I mustn’t, like, forget ‘selfie’.

What hope is there for the future? Well, I believe those that get there will, like, find the future anything but awesome and see little to no point in doing that selfie thingy although it’s not often I’m right and I’m probably wrong again.

Am I just a sad old man? Are people out there, at this very moment, wishing I’d, like, stop using ‘however’? I’m guessing you’re right. So, I’m just an awesomely sad old selfie then.

Quote; Doug Larson.

“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”

And Then, That Is It...

May I offer my heart-felt congratulations and happy daze to one and all who voted leave and, believe me, it was your vote wot won it. A perfect example of positive thought by the not so little people. It’s also good to see we got a ‘two for one vote’ deal with boy Dave gettin’ a kickin’ an’ quittin’. Probably scared of the idea of actually having to be a leader, right?  Dave ol’ buddy; it’s been well below average knowing you.  Bu-by. And take that damn cat with you!!

May I also say to those who voted remain; it’s over. There’s now nobody to hold your hand or wipe your bottom for you. You’re on your own so it’s time for you to find a learning centre near your home, sign-up for a basic anatomy course, re-locate your backbone and join us in the great adventure that lies ahead. There’s a country to rebuild out here and, left alone, lion hearts will get it done. The ‘building site’ will be no place for Timidadians.

           

Quote;  Criss Jami.

“Create with the heart; build with the mind.”

And Then, A New Starter...

While reading through the comments, I can’t remember where or relating to what, there was one that mentioned the junior doctors strike that concluded, as close as I remember, that when any of these youngsters are interviewed they start their non-answer with, ‘So,’ I took that with a pinch of salt as we all know the accepted response word in the English language is, ‘Well,’.

To make a long story a tad longer, I was driving through town and, spookily, as I passed a hospital where-with-out was gathered a group of young folk, obviously taking time out from playing Doctors and Nurses, grinning, begging  car drivers to toot their horns and waving Save Our{?} NHS signs, when the local radio started to interview some of the assembled strikers. Guess wot? The first fellow went with ‘Well,’ but the next three, yes, three, all started with ‘So,’. In slightly broken English by the way, but that’s to be expected.

So, has a simple ‘So,’ usurped the widely accepted ‘Well,’ as the leading response precursor word or is it just limited to use by cleaver young health care{?} folk?

So, what can I say? Will I start using  ‘So’ as well? Well, I rarely use ‘Well’ anyway so, probably not.

Quote;  Martin H. Fischer.

“A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession.”

            Steven Moffat

The Doctor: 'You know when grown-ups tell you everything's going to be fine, but you really think they're lying to make you feel better?'
Amelia: 'Yeah...'
The Doctor: 'Everything's going to be fine.’

And Then A Peeve….

While reporting news of the recent earthquake, no, not the earthquake news that the WHO-be-do want to ban meat, much to the delight of cows an' pigs an' other meaty stuff**, but the news of an earthquake in a far, far away land and the TV and radio news readers have, once again, started using a pet peeve of mine. I may be alone in this but it really irritates me {how polite is that?}. Whoa! What's that then?

The quake was, they tell us, in Afghanistarn and Pakistarn. As before, search as I may, I still can't find these places. Afghanistan and Pakistan I can find easily enough but nary a hint of the two places with an added 'r' near the end.

It's also interesting to note that India was mentioned in the bulletins. Surely, following the above 'news speak' nomenclature, that should be India with an 'r' glued on the end - thus Indiar, right? {Is 'nomenclature' the right word? It's wot? Nomenclatuar?}

Enjoy the first mention of this phenomenon here, proceeded by a nice monk story – and also here.

I feel far bettar for thart… 

**It's believed fish are a tad miffed that they didn't make the cut onto the naughty list. That slippery slope do-dad following the tobacco thingy they said won't happen? They were spot on! More like a slippery precipice. When you look around, do you get the spooky feeling something very shadowy and scary is going on in the world?

The 'quote'

Quote;  Gerard Nolst Trenité. {It's long but it's a beauty.}

“Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!”