22 Jul 2014

And Then A Check-up….

This morning I wended my way for a dental check-up. Not the deep cleaning I endured some time ago.

It was another lady one!! And, man, aren’t all these professional people so damn young nowadays? Isn’t it a fact that we’d all prefer to consult with someone older than ourselves so as to give us a feeling of security as we rely on  their vast, accumulated knowledge, wisdom  and experience? This isn’t easy once you reach an age and I quickly popped through that flimsy, permeable membrane that separates my world from the real world after considering the folly of having someone in their eighties rummaging around in my mouth; possibly with a laser drill.

“Morning. Please sit down. No, here. Right, how’s everything?”
”On the whole, pretty good. It’s just that my left knee’s started to…….. Waaaiit a minute!! This isn’t the Doctors!!”
”Sorry. Everything’s fine thanks.”
”Right. Good. Let’s take a look. Put these on.” and she handed me a pair of safety glasses. I gave her a look that said, you’re kidding, right?  and said, “You’re kidding, right?”
She shrugged and rolled her eyes which seemed to indicate it was some sort of Health and Safety requirement. She said, “It’s a health and Safety requirement.”

I shook my head and donned the plastic glasses. I shook my head again and the glasses fell to the floor. I bent to pick them up, as did the young lady Dental Assistant, resulting in a banging of heads. The young lady Dental Assistant put them back on, shook her head, took them off and put them back on me – not too gently, indicating I should stop shaking my head. And definitely stop laughing.

After a brief poke about, there not being too much left to poke about, the young lady Dentist announced, “Everything looks okay. That is, the ones you have left look okay so I’ll just give them a polish. The few you have left that is.”
”Cool.” I replied in an attempt to sound young and cool.

Mere  moments  later  the  young  lady Dentist  announced,
“That’s it; all done. Just have a good rinse-out and, please, try not to spit on the floor.”
”So I do what then? Try to spit on the ceiling?”
”Wh…. Oh. That’s a joke, right?”
”Actually…. Yup, it is. Or was.” and eager to leave these young folk with my equally young fellow-well-met persona, I exclaimed excitedly, after running my tongue over my teeth, “ Oh, wow!! That is so, like, awesome!!  They feel, like, so totally, like, awesomely clean!”

With their last barely audible words following me, “See you in six months. Oh, can we have our glasses and bib back please.” I left, closely followed by their last looks which seemed to say, ‘How sad is that guy then.’

Back in the car I devoured an exceedingly sweet, incredibly big chocolate bar  and revelled in the knowledge I don’t have to brush my teeth again for at least five months.

Quote;  Edmond Manning.

“Men often think submission indicates weakness, that letting someone else take charge betrays a character deficit. But we all submit to strangers who drill into our teeth as long as we can see the parchment on their wall which reads ‘Dentist.’”

20 Jul 2014

And Then, No Advice….

Having survived the recent searing heat, close to 23C at times round here, imagine my alarm to learn on the BBC ‘news’ the weather person announce that thunderstorms were possible so, “Be prepared in case you’re caught in one.” Now this was most alarming as we were planning on going out but there was absolutely no follow-up help or advice regarding how or what to do to be prepared for getting caught in a thunderstorm! How remiss of them is that then?

Oh my. What to do!! What to do? We stayed home; cuddled, cowering in the cupboard under the stairs is wot we did.

Pardon? Hay, we’re not stupid! Of course we had sun-block max on. Hats? Of course. But that’s only common sense, right? Water? We did without water to ensure a plentiful reserve of sun-block and that took up all the spare space.

In due course a storm did indeed arrive at our location and, hunkered down as we were in the cupboard, I was quietly confident we’d huddle-out the ‘storm’ in relative  safety. Eventually, however, and against my better judgment, I gave in to my little nest of vipers perpetual pleading to leave our safe environs to go and watch the storm.

Suitably attired in loose clothing, the air still being warm an’ all, wearing our floppy hats and with a further liberal coating of sun-block smeared on our faces and hands, we put up our steel framed umbrellas  and  found a relatively sheltered position under the big sycamore tree to watch the lightning.

That’s the sycamore tree next to that funky, jazzy sounding little wishing well.  {If you do play the link, it could well be bouncing round your head for the rest of the evening. It may even follow you to work tomorrow.}

By the way, for those of you marvelling at my stupidity regards watching the lightning, please relax. Part of it was just a bit of fun. You really think I’d waste good sun-block just to go outside in the rain to watch lightning?

Just before this posts final full-stop, you may enjoy this piece from Mr Owen Paterson.

Quote;  Joseph Addison.

“Mirth is like a flash of lightning that breaks through a gloom of clouds and glitters for a moment.”

19 Jul 2014

And Then A Captain Announces….

If I was still an international jet-setting Roughneck, I’d be more than happy to hear an announcement from the flight-deck that went something like this;

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this flight from where we just left bound for where we’re going.
We are now at our cruising altitude and this is the time I usually announce our estimated arrival time. Today will be slightly different so let me explain.
This Airline, with the agreement of International Ground Control, have, in their possibly misguided wisdom, routed our flight to overfly several global hotspots and even a couple of proper war zones which are, apparently, infested with utter nutters. Some are relatively harmless nutters seemingly armed only with video cameras and Internet access enabling them to post their scary ramblings on Facebook, YouTube and the likes. Sadly, a few others have access to some serious weaponry and
I’m sure most of you will have picked-up on recent news regarding various flying machines that have been knocked down by these bad boys. Some intentionally and some by mistake. No, really! By mistake!
This Airline has given me, as Captain, full responsibility for this flight and as such, my first absolute obligation, as Captain, is the safety of all on-board – I repeat - my first absolute obligation, as Captain, is the safety of all on-board  and secondly, to take care of this aircraft – hay, you know what one of these babies costs?
Now, I find I have two choices. I could sit back and stick to the designated hotspot flight path which could possibly have us flying over a couple of nutters who see us, turn to each other with one saying, ‘Ten says you can’t hit it.’ and the trigger guy saying, ‘Twenty says I can.’ and thus gives us up front some short-lived adrenalin pumping excitement, and you lot some short-lived grief, as we bob and weave, duck and dive, stall and throttle-up in a vain attempt to avoid a miss-guided missile.
However, I’m going with my second choice and, as Captain of this flight, with responsibility for the safety of all on-board,  I’m going to tell Ground Control and the Airline to file their original flight plan where the sun don’t shine and I’m going to route us round all the hotspots and war zones with as safe and timely flight track as possible.
Owing to the happy-go-lucky state of the world at present, and thus the alarmingly large number of hotspots, this route will add about two hours plus to our flight time but will improve
our chances of reaching our destination immeasurably.
I’m sorry I can’t give you a one hundred percent guarantee of a safe arrival because, as safe as these beauties are and, as unlikely as it may be, other stuff can happen.
I apologise in advance for our late arrival but feel sure you’ll all agree – better late than never.”

Quote;  Chuck Yeager.

“Most pilots learn, when they pin on their wings and go out and get in a fighter, especially, that one thing you don't do, you don't believe anything anybody tells you about an airplane.”

17 Jul 2014

And Then It May Be Warm….

I do hope you’ve all been paying attention to the news today warning of the possibility that it could be hot today and may even hover around 20 C. through the night. Or you may indeed have spotted ol’ Big Shiny burning bright through your windows.

The important thing is to take care; him thing Big Shiny can burn you!!  Keep your cloths on but keep ‘em loose!! Stick a hat on!! No, on your head. Drink water!! Stay indoors if you can!! Close the curtains!! Okay? You get all that? And the warning to smear yourself with sun-block, a form of cooking oil, was repeated so often and so shrilly, I had to check that  Dave Cummerbund and his gang hadn’t slipped through some of that emergency legislation stuff making the rubbing on of said blocker grease mandatory.

Is the population now so infantilized that they need all these media warnings when it’s hot or cold or wet and/or windy? Or is it the case that too many mad people get to the top of too many pointless and unnecessary ‘organisations’? The latter would be better but still so sad.

If it is the latter it’s just another example, should one be needed, that the bottom’s full of wonderful people; only cream and ass-holes rise.

I’m guessing that in the next couple of days a person of the green persuasion will pop up and blame the seasonably warm weather on Australia dumping that ol’ carbon tax. Which reminds me; where’s my bestest ever pal Crazy Davey lately? Has he been quiet or wot? Come on Crazy!! Help us out here. Say something and sow the seeds for some posts! We need some light relief during these warm, doom laden days.

Quote;  Johan Goldberg.

“One upside of the heat. Kind of cool to see a cat pant.”

15 Jul 2014

And Then Some Words Of Wisdom….

See? I do a bit of DIY and it seems everyone’s at it. Even  ol’ Dave Cummerbund’s having a go and is busily engaged in building a cupboard or some-such. I wonder, did he go down to the timber yard or did he have some old planks lying around? You’d think, him having the job what he’s got an’ all, he’d be able to afford to get down to Ikea and just buy a flat-pack cabinet.

By the way Dave, I’m betting, if you do go down the flat-pack rout, that at the end of the day you’ll discover you’re several screws short of stable cabinet.

Anyhoo, that’s nothing to do with wot follows and where did I copy these, wot I’ve pasted below, from? Damned if I can remember so if I loaned them from you, I apologise for not mentioning you. However, whoever you are; thanks and please feel free to take them back in a couple of days. No need to ask; just DIY.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes all by itself.

Quote;  Bill Cosby.

“A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.”

11 Jul 2014

And Then I Loose The Will….

While tootling in the car a few days ago, I noticed a flashing blue light coming up behind so thought it prudent to pull over. It proved to be no big deal; the officer just warned me not to tootle in a moving car but better to wait ‘till I got to the privacy of home and, while out and about in public, to just concentrate on driving. No points lost, just funny looks.

As I continued on my way, all thoughts of a satisfying tootle put on hold, my thoughts turned, as they do, to death. “I’ll write a Will is what I’ll do. When I get home. Not while I’m driving as the bloke with the blue light’s still tailing me.”

And so it was I did the business with one of those Will Kits that go for buttons in the newsagents.

The finished article, following the vague instructions provided, made no sense whatsoever to me. That’s me wot had writ it. Hence, I guess, the buttons price tag.

And so it was that I wrote a draft Will, in English, found a reasonably priced solicitor and asked him to write the sucker up in Will-speak.

A week later I was in receipt of the solicitors draft. I read it as you would, just seeing what I knew was there. At the end I drew a sharp intake of breath  and paused for thought. ‘Why the big breath?’. Then I started looking in proper way.

Now I realise this guy was way cheaper than many others but what do you save by not printing those little dot thingies and the dots with a tail? Yup, you got it. Not one hint anywhere in a fist-full of A4 pages of any punctuation. Nothing. Hang on a comma pickin’ minute! Is this the correct legalese method? Or Japanese method?

Then, with further, closer looking, rather than just reading, I spent much time correcting the spelling of this legal mastermind.  How sad is that then? A solicitor? Our finest and brightest? Or was the writing jobby just handed off to the tea lady? The Parateabagget?

By the way, if you are contemplating preparing a Will, using a Will kit or seeking the assistance of a legal eagle, don’t waste time searching or enquiring for these ideas as you’ll discover, as I did, that, “Keep it all in a box ‘till I return” or, “Take it all with me” are, sadly, not available options.

You may also contemplate asking the guy or guyess to spell something simple {as time goes by….} as a little test before awarding them the Will to write as you may well find you loose the will to continue.

Quote;  Elbert Hubbard.

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”