20 Dec 2014

And Then, We Did It….

It seems the whole country took note of the ‘Jolly’ post as the news this morning is reporting that we are set to spend one point two billion pounds today. Today being the Saturday before Christmas.  Man, we all did some super scrimping and saving to service this season did we not? What? Oh, right.

Anyhoo, well done you!! And I’m sure that by this evening you’ll all be absolutely overflowing with a wondrous feeling of satisfaction, jollification. Or abject misery.

The question now is, how to keep that jolly demeanour when, come early January, the credit card statements start dropping, like sacks o’ wet cement, onto the doormat. Good luck with that!!

Finally, personally, I’ve seen so much turkey on TV these past few weeks that I really never want to see another one – alive or cooked. I have nothing to say on the subject of sprouts.

Quote;  Erma Bombeck

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

18 Dec 2014

And Then, Come Next October….

Yesterday, in a dawn operation, a combined force of police, an armed response team, an anti-terrorist unit, the bomb squad and the fire brigade, assisted by a HazMat unit and a helicopter, all directed by the security services, brought a dramatic car pursuit to a successful conclusion.

They were acting on information relayed to the security services by a diligently bored CCTV operative who spotted the driver of a vehicle acting in a suspicious manner. He also told them that he was quietly confident there was a baby on board.

The car, travelling well within the allowable speed limit, was followed at a safe distance until it entered a quiet suburban area of a Northern town where, at about midday, the police forced the vehicle to come to a stop and then proceeded to surround it at a safe distance.

After all the buildings within a half mile radius of the car had been evacuated and all required H & S paperwork completed for all personnel involved,  negotiations were started with the driver at six o’clock yesterday evening and, after a tense thirty second standoff, the driver was persuaded to leave his car, throw down his weapon and stamp on it until it was fully extinguished at which point the security forces, wearing bio hazard suits, rushed the man, threw him to the ground and cuffed him before he could light another cigarette.

The driver was then searched, passed through a de-contamination unit and taken into custody.

After the fire brigade had doused the area with foam to ensure the cigarette was totlly out, confirmed by members of the bomb squad, the HazMat team used robots and remote detectors to investigate the interior of the car and to take air and upholstery samples.

The interior of the car was declared safe by a senior officer shortly after midnight  and security personnel then entered the vehicle and removed the baby.

It transpired the baby was, in fact, a thirteen year old girl and it further transpired that the father was  a lone parent. Social Services took the decision not to allow the girl to go home alone and sent her to roam the city in a taxi until later in the morning when provisions could be made to place her in a secure child care unit where she will be given a psychiatric evaluation, counselling and access to a lawyer who will discuss the merits of suing her father on the grounds of child cruelty.

At  a press conference this morning the Prime Minister, standing in front of a door, was quick to praise all those involved with the operation and said this was a wake-up call to all those who assumed this law would be unenforceable.
“Let me make this perfectly clear, no ifs no buts, we will track down all those who continue to indulge in this perfectly legal pastime in the privacy of their own cars. Also, to those of you who consider this to be setting a dangerous precedent and the start of an extremely slippery slope, let me just say this; damn right it is and we’re going to push any pointless stuff down that slope we want to!!” 

A reporter then asked  the PM when the investigation into alleged child abuse by those in high office may start. Mr Cummerbund started to talk in tongues before going back indoors for lunch and a big glass of fizzy ginger beer.

It’s understood the two Tornado jets, scrambled from Cyprus, have now been instructed to head back to continue dropping some bombs on some sand somewhere.

What was all that about? This what’s coming to a car near you.

Quote;  H. L. Mencken.

“The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic.”


“Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws”

17 Dec 2014

And Then, Be Jolly, Damn It….

As a compliment to A K Haart’s post, this is an urgent message to all of you out there who may have somehow managed to miss the message that Christmas is coming. I’m addressing those of you who, despite the best efforts of the media and marketing moguls who’ve been informing us of this fact every fifteen minutes since the beginning of October, are not yet of a jolly disposition. Remember, it’s your duty to show your jollity.

So come on people!! Get with the program!! To get festively jolly you need to get your money spent, be it real or pretend, right now!! Pardon? No, no, it doesn’t really matter what you buy; just make that money gone. That’s the important bit and will help with your advancement towards total jollification.

Sorry? You have everything so need some help with regards what to buy? You must be jolly well joking.

Take you folk over there, there’s four of you but I can only see six tablet computers! Come on! For heavens sake, get real! Get out there and buy another two or three! And It’d be so easy to cram another plasma TV and a chair in that cupboard under the stairs, right?  How about those nine smartphones. Looks to me like at least two of ‘em are over three months old. Whoa!! You have phones that old? How embarrassing must that be then? Can’t you see you need new ones? Of course you can, so just do it and be jolly quick about it!! And that’s just for starters.

Look, we’re well into the festive quarter of the year and thus should jolly well be fully jolly by now, okay? One more time; it’s your patriotic duty to be all out o’ money, in debt and jolly.


{Thanks for the card Sis. I see that face
every morning
when I shave.}

Quote;  Garrison Keillor.

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

13 Dec 2014

And Then, I Had A Dream….

I was lying in bed last night, I find it so much more comfortable than standing, when I got to thinking about dreams as it seems to me that the older I get the more ‘real’ my dreams seem to be getting and the more detail I remember when I wake. Is this because my head now has less day-to-day stuff to concern itself with so has room to remember more and more trivial stuff? Are dreams trivial?

I’ve also noted that, although I dream as me, I’m sometimes outside me and watching me. This got me wondering if, in fact, I’m watching me in another dimension or parallel universe and when I wake, me over there is watching me over here. Whoa!! I do believe it’s time for one of they little blue pills.

Tell you what, after watching me over there I’m kind o’ glad I’m over here as it seems that, over there, I’m continually missing trains or planes owing to getting to the gate and discovering I’ve lost my ticket  or can’t find my passport. And where did I leave my damn luggage? This results in having to rush through a  labyrinth of rooms to locate bits of paperwork or bags, and having to do it in a hurry through thigh-high treacle! Net result? Missed travel, and I can only assume that me over there has lost many a job owing to being a no-show.

Let’s not even think about how clumsy I appear to be over there going by the number of times I’ve ended up free-falling off stuff without, thankfully, ever landing.

This all jogged my memory back to the eighties when I tried to take in, and gave up at page two, A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking.

It seems there was this really, really big bang a while ago resulting in the birth of the universe and the start of  time. As best I remember, Mr Hawking’s theory, at the time, was that the universe would slowly stop expanding as gravity took hold and then start to contract back into a big crunch at the same point it all kicked off. He also postulated that, and this is the kicker, as everything was running backwards, time would also be running backwards.

Think about that; all through our lives we spend time in areas of ignorant bliss then, just ahead, we run into a problem and our spirits drop. In time we figure out the problem, find a solution, resolve the problem and  joyously step into a meadow of daisies, buttercups!  ‘Till the next time.

It’s been awful tough at times, right? Well, imagine doing it all again - but this time backwards! Oh boy.

It’s pretty obvious the problems we faced going out the way will be there as we voyage inwards and the reverse will be identical to the original. As we all joyously gibber away backwards to each other, we’ll find ourselves in a happy skippy meadow followed by an unexpected problem that gets progressively worse until we hit the ignorance is bliss bit again. Ever backwards and upwards my friends!!

What will become of our minds and memory with a change in time direction? For the above to hold true memory will have to change direction as well because, if not, and I found myself, on my backward voyage, in a happy, flowery meadow I’d be thinking, ‘Oh oh. There may be trouble ahead.’ and when I managed to stop humming the song, backwards,  those words  reminded  me of, I’d further think, ‘You know what? I’m gonna  take a sharp left right about here!’ 

The result with all fellow travellers taking similar decisions? Chaos, and a possible breakdown of the space-time continuum. So, as you can’t mess with time, I guess memory will have to get a re-boot and start over at the end thus our past future will become our future past. All it really means is the daisy meadow and the ignorance is bliss bits will be reversed.

It’ll be a tad tricky and take a bit of getting used to but, looking on the bright side, we’ll all start getting our TV license money back.

Having gone over this post again, I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure those little blue pills ain’t working worth a damn. The next time I dream I’ll try to spot what colour pill I’m taking over there. If I remember…

Quote;  Mark Twain.

“Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.” 

            Edgar Allan Poe.

“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”

            Albert Einstein.

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

10 Dec 2014

And Then A Free Office….

I do believe I’ve mentioned this software before but I recently got an e-mail from them saying that SoftMaker Office 2012 is presently available for free. For every download the publishers are going to donate a few Euro cents to charity for Christmas. Okay, up to them I guess. For anybody interested, this is the link;


{If you try it – note the ‘Tips and Tricks’ link on the above linked page.}

When I was in the world I had MS office. When I left the world, and that computer finally died, I didn’t.

I really didn’t fancy the cost of that MS sucker so, over time, I must’ve tried all the usual free suspects but, having found SoftMaker and noting the compact size, the fast load speed and the fact that, from the one installation, you can load him onto a portable drive as well, makes it a nice bit o’ kit. So nice I went from free to pay a good while ago! Yup, I parted with money.

Okay, this offer is free so it’ll be a tad crippled, but if you’re bored this evening, give it a spin. You may like it. And if you don’t, it’s just a poke of the delete key will make him gone.

One cripple in the free offering I tried a little bit after a while ago, was the inability to edit what items were visible in the menu bar. This cripple, as I’m a minimal sort o’ fellow and just like things up there that I’m going to use, was one of the reasons I parted with money.

I may be wrong here, but I seem to remember you can choose what modules, word processor, spread sheet and presentation kit, you install.

Right, time for nose-bag. A nice ham salad with, oh I don’t know, potato wedges and deep fried, battered onion rings? That’ll do. Come on! It’s salad! I’ve no intention of overdosing on vitamins so need something to balance things out, right? My little nest of vipers? Rice, of course, with something unrecognisable. To me, as someone once said, rice is nice if you really feel like eating two thousand of something.

Quote;  John Woods.

“Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.”

9 Dec 2014

And Then Advice For Older Drivers….

As the holiday season is all but upon us and with safe driving being highlighted in all the media, I thought I’d post this old puzzle to help those of an age for whom driving is slowly{?} becoming more of a challenge than an enjoyment.

You are driving along and to your immediate left is a vertical drop to the ground far below. To your immediate right is a fire engine.

In front of you are some panicky galloping pigs that neither you or the fire engine can overtake. Behind you is a police helicopter flying at close to ground level. You’re boxed in on three sides and being forced to travel far too fast for your comfort and getting close to panic thinking of the sheer drop to your left.

How do you extricate yourself from this perilous situation?

Get off the kids merry-go-round; you're pi**ed.

Quote;  Jarod Kintz.

“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy. ”