26 Mar 2015

And Then, A Hot Headline….

Once in a while the Google News UK front page throws up stuff you'd have a problem making up. This morning was such an occasion with this gem from Herald Scotland:
Services at a crematorium have been cancelled after a fire broke out on the premises.

First thought was, isn't that the idea of those places? Then I thought, okay, this must be a fire outwith the proper fire. With that in mind, I thought, for the third and last time on this topic, that, rather than cancel services, they should've taken advantage of adversity and doubled, nay, tripled-up.

I've just watched the BBC evening news and, with the aircraft crash as the centre piece, it was sad to have it confirmed, as if confirmation was required, that the 'news' has now been reduced to some sort of sad soap-op type docudrama.

Quote;  Groucho Marx.

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

24 Mar 2015

And Then It's Lost….

While I….. Sorry? No, I'm fine it's just that things have been quiet here with no news to poke fun at and no major incidents at home and add to that the fact I seem to have lost inspiration and you'll understand the lack of typing recently.

With the regards the very sad news today of another air disaster, it saddened me further to see how the rolling news channels did their best to wring every second out of such a terrible incident. The height of insensitivity was reached when some 'news' lady asked some 'expert' what the passengers would have been doing once they realised the plane was crashing. It doesn't get much sadder than that.

Those were the words as close as I remember as, when I reached for the little note book and pen i always keep to hand for such occasions, it wasn't there. I'll look for it later and will probably find it in an obvious location that's always the last place I look. With any luck, it'll be right next to inspiration.

In other news I see Mr Cummerbund has been booed and heckled by pensioners. I thought us pensioners were made of stouter stuff than that! Come on us old of Old England!! Next time one of us gets in range, boo and heckle 'em? Boot and head-butt the boy is what's needed!

Bringing up the back, for all my old Australian friends – okay, for my old Australian friend – How ya doin' Big D? is this old track I ran into, after all these years, by the Black Sorrows, a great band out of Australia. The country that also, sadly, gave us Neighbours.

Quote;  P. J. O'Rourke.

"Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you’ve been convicted of a felony – although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven’t been."

22 Mar 2015

And Then, Riddle-me-ree….

Five riddles You may enjoy – stick with Number Five; you'll get it. May I suggest you click on this link and let the Humming Chorus, or, as they call it in Norfolk, coro a bocca chiusa, relax you and thus aid your powers of deduction.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over five minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But ten minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph.  I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.  It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.  In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though.  Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.  But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


All done? Number 5 as well? Congratulations!! However, for those few of you who had the odd problem, the 'answers' are below.  Where else would they be then? What would be the point of putting the answers first?

1. The third room of course. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.  That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot, held under water and then hung).

3. Charcoal, as used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days; yesterday, today and tomorrow.

5. The letter 'e', the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear once in the paragraph. How cool is that then?

In other news, and I apologise in advance as I've forgotten from whence I copied it and by whom it was penned, I found the commentary gem below relating to an article regarding windmills an' such and the  subsidies involved;

".....the only long term, efficient and economical solar/wind project that works without subsidies is a clothesline. They should give out rope and tear down wind turbines."

Quote;  Jarod Kintz.

“The sky itches and that’s why I tickled it with the feather of a bird. Do you realize it’s been 14 days since two weeks ago? Boy, time flies.”

            Isaac Asimov.

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka but 'That's funny……'"

20 Mar 2015

And Then They're All Outside….

It was interesting{?} watching all the coverage of the budget the other day to see so many reporters and experts{?} in so many different locations reporting, breathlessly, while standing outside. Some outside big old buildings, some from empty, posh-looking streets, some outside factories and some standing in shopping streets. They all just took turns saying the same thing. And that thing they were all saying the same? Absolutely nothing of any import.

However, it was good to hear all the experts{?} and government types, when asked a question, repeatedly using the 'well' word well into the wee hours.

Me? I asked not what the Chancellor would allow me to keep but how I may give yet more to help the Chancellor.**

Realising I'd done that wot I typed about above, I quickly came to the conclusion that those little pink pills are waaaay too strong for me.

**With the arrival in the mail of my new tax code this morning, it would seem the Chancellor has decided to accept my offer. Damn!!

Quote;  Keith Davis.

“We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.”

             William Feather.

“A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.”

18 Mar 2015

And Then A Sad Day….

After firing up the coffee maker and the Net this morning I was saddened to be confronted with the news that Captain Ranty has passed away.

Although we occasionally communicated via the comments area of his site, I never met the good Captain and wouldn't have recognised him even if I'd found him in my soup but, nevertheless, he was always on my 'good friend' list; such are the wonders of the Web. A Web that'll be a little emptier with his passing.

May I offer my sincere condolences and sympathy to his family at this sad time.

All that remains is to raise a glass and say cheerio.

              

Quote;  Sir Winston Churchill.

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

14 Mar 2015

And Then, It's Plain To See….

I watched something last night and it wasn't on TV so must've been a TV clip on YouTube and I can't find it again. Or, to be more precise, I can't be bothered looking.

It was one of those clips that's about six click clips further on than the clip linked to the original link you clicked on. Know the one I mean?

The clip I ended up on was that Mr Neil asking some MP and others about cigarette plain packaging. Just the usual stuff until Mr Neil asked the MP, who thought the idea was absolutely top-hole, what was the point of plain packaging a product already hidden behind closed shutters. The MP started his response with, unsurprisingly, "Well,….." and made the point that people leave their packs on tables in plain sight and plain packaging will….. And? And that was about it.

I thought a follow-up question could've been to ask the MP when the last time was he'd seen a pack o' fags on a table anywhere? You can't use 'em anywhere so why bother? In a pub? What's the point of getting 'em out of your pocket and putting 'em on a table just to have to re-pocket the packet every thirty minutes or so as you wander for the door and out into the weather? How many packs do you see lying on tables being ogled longingly by kids as they meander to the counter at McDonalds? Now days, you ever see a pack just sitting on any cafe, restaurant, bar or meeting place table? Or any table anywhere come to that.

What does he think we do out here? Sit down some place and, very first rattle out the box, empty our pockets? Phone – check. Car and house keys – check. Wallet with cash and cards – check. Handkerchief – check. Oh, ciggy pack and lighter. There. All done and neatly laid out. Now I'll just nip to the restroom after asking that nice fellow at the next table, the fellow in the stripy T-shirt, a mask and a sack marked Swag, to please keep an eye on my stuff for a moment.

These children in charge really do need to get out more.

As for tables in the home, at time of typing, to the best of my knowledge, the law stating that cigarettes must be kept locked in the gun cabinet, behind your two side-by-sides, at all times, has yet to be passed. I give it five years tops before it is by the way.

Are these people nuts? I'll rephrase that. These people are nuts.

Quote;  Steuart Henderson Britt.

“Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.”

              Luis Buñuel.

"Tobacco and alcohol, delicious fathers of abiding friendships and fertile reveries."