31 Aug 2015

And Then It's Gone….

I came down this morning, proceeded to the kitchen and hit the 'on' button for the transfusion machine, otherwise known as a coffee maker, and while waiting for the first cup, the first of many, I popped through and started the desktop computer.

Coffee to hand I sat at the computer and marvelled, again, at the wonder that's Windows 10 and the fact that  I can click on a little picture and fire-up a word processor. Pretty much the same as I could in Windows 1; or even MS-DOS. Remember typing instructions at the command prompt in MS-DOS? How irritatingly time consuming was that then? It did work all the same. And, as long as the word processor or spread sheet opened, nobody gave a damn what was under the hood did they?

Now, one click and you have the worlds news right on your monitor. But, one must always be thinking, is this the true news or is it just  someone's version of the news? A little like looking at the world through a condensation saturated stained-glass window.

Anyhoo, while sitting drinking coffee and drinking in the news, my head kicked in and I remembered something of great import that I had to do in the kitchen. Not wanting to forget I leaped to my feet and, the kitchen being only three good strides away as the crow trots, rushed into the kitchen.

The good news is I made it to the kitchen safely and in one piece. The sad news is I stood there with absolutely no idea what I had rushed there for. Not a clue. Well, I'm here so I may as well grab another coffee. That was seven this AM. It's now six of a PM and I still have no idea what was so important and urgent at seven AM. Happily, it obviously didn't have anything to do with preventing the house burning down. Unhappily, I'm sure my memory isn't going to get any better.

I see George, 'Nothing Up My Sleeves' Osborn has promised lots of magical money for the Trident base. This, he states, is to keep us 'free and secure'. My question to George, and others of that ilk, would be to ask what earthly good will nuclear submarines be in fighting those invaders who are, seemingly with the governments blessing, already here, with vast numbers of reinforcements rolling up yearly, who're quite possibly just biding their time before they kick-off. Where will your atomic subs be then George? Out there below the worlds oceans keeping us free and secure?

Quote;  Noël Coward

"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."

28 Aug 2015

And Then, A Winner….

Further to the 'kidding' competition at the end of the last post, I'm delighted to say A K Haart is the winner! Not only is he the winner, he's the only entrant. How lucky is that then?

He deduced that the correct name for a mentioned e-liquid was French Garlic Soup With A Side Of Onion Bread and NOT as I stated, French Onion Soup With A Side Of Garlic Bread.

Sir, please be informed that a bottle of the afore mentioned e-liquid will be forwarded to you in due course. However, I note from previous comments that you are neither a smoker nor a vaper but please note that the liquid can be used to make actual soup, flavoured as named, and a 10ml bottle will produce approximately 10 gallons of nicotine enriched soup. This is ideal for serving when those long-lost annoying friends, 'friends' you really hoped had finally been lost a long time ago, roll up unannounced.

Rather than turn them away, something you're far too polite to do, however much you may want to, invite them to stay for dinner, and, trust me, after a serving of this soup, cunningly declined by you and yours, you will be heartened to see these 'friends' run, run like the wind, with wind, more than likely never to darken your doorway again. Job done.

As a further note, do not discard any remaining soup, there's likely to be a lot, but rather pour it into an old rubber hot water bottle and freeze. Very handy for use in the extremely unlikely event those long-lost folk find the courage to roll up again some time in the far future.

In other news, I see net migration to the UK, no ifs, no buts, has hit a record high. The governments reaction? To extend the badger cull. That'll work.

Quote;  Portuguese Proverb

“Visits always give pleasure--if not the arrival, the departure.”

27 Aug 2015

And Then, Something For Nothing….

Whilst ambling aimlessly round town yesterday, I chanced to see a new e-cigarette outlet so bobbed in for a nosey. Cutting my salutation and preliminary conversation to a minimum, I said, "Morning." This elicited the response, "Morning, what can I do for you?"
I was tempted to use the old response, 'What you can do for me is empty the contents of the cash register into this bag' but felt sure the humour of this had withered on the vine many years ago and I'd end up being banged-up for the holiday weekend.

I purchased some e-liquid, parted with a pair of fives and was somewhat taken aback when the vendor asked if I'd like a free liquid. The reasoning, he said, was to try to get people to buy more of the more exotic flavours. Well done that shop I say, and settled for something I've thought about trying for a while; a mint flavour.

Later, I tried the mint, and? I'll stick to a Polo if I want a mint and stick to the classic tobacco mix for something with a slight resemblance to tobacco when I want to pretend to smoke tobacco.

Whilst in the shop, I passed on many other 'exotic' flavours and certainly hope the place hadn't over stocked on French Onion Soup With A Side Of Garlic Bread or the other one I noticed, which I doubt will ever become a top seller, English Summer Evening Armpit. Only kidding, honest. I'll leave it up to you to decide if I'm kidding about the names or if I tried them or not.

Quote;  George Carlin.

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

25 Aug 2015

And Then Some Excitement….

You old? You still driving? You may well empathise with this.

Yesterday my little nest of vipers decided she needed some stuff from some shops. So far, so what? So we headed to one of they big out of town retail parks.

I kind o' knew what to expect, from a car drivers point of view, and wasn't disappointed. The place was huge and the car park matched the hugeness. And why, despite the hugeness of these car parks, are the driveways between the rows of parking bays so narrow? And why, once parked between the white lines of the individual spaces, does it only leave enough room to crack the car doors open enough to exit your car in the manner of a racing snake? To maximise the usage of the space of course. Man, give us another six inches on each bay; please.

Anyhoo, although it was Monday, it soon became apparent that every car owner in the country awoke with the same idea as us as the car park, as big as it was, was full and there was a continuous crawl of nose to tail cars prowling relentlessly round the driveways between the parking slots. All movement came to a temporary halt when a departing car made its move and the faster of two cars, the one in front of the procession heading this way or the one leading the others going that way, made a swoop on the slot. If you've ever been in one of these merry-go rounds, with no sight of the exit, you'll know there's nothing merry about it. Misery-go round sums it up.

Then, at  what felt like close to closing time for the shops, a slot! Right in front of us! Time to make my swoop. Sadly, was left behind many years ago and swooping into one of these minute slots isn't for those of rapidly advancing years. You out there not yet advancing, don't laugh; you'll be there in the mere selection of reverse gear.

I tentatively made my turn but, as you all know, because of the narrowness of the driveways and waiting traffic 'swooping in' nose first is always pretty much doomed to failure. I wasn't disappointed.

Okay, let's do that manoeuvre that, after a certain age should be avoided at all costs; reverse into the slot. This took a few frantic wheel pulling manoeuvres in the driveway until I was as satisfied with my initial approach angle as I was ever going to be and my adrenaline level was at the required level for those of age attempting this move, maximum and pumping.

With waves and smiles of thanks to the now motionless vehicles followed by frantic head and eye movements to check that mirror, this mirror and that other mirror, a twist of the neck to look out the side and back windows to confirm the mirrors were showing a true image of what was out there, pull forward a bit, go back a bit repeatedly in an attempt to get an equal three inches of door opening space each side, the manoeuvre was finally completed and I sat there feeling like a wrung out rag with mixed emotions. A great sense of euphoria that I'd done it coupled with waves of exhaustion washed over me. Her in the next seat offered up words of praise and comfort along the lines of, "Quick; shop shut soon."

As we walked to the shops, although I knew the manoeuvre had taken some considerable time to complete, as anyone of an age will readily  understand, the time taken became all the more apparent as I noted the number of people hastily repacking picnic kit and impromptu barbeque areas back into their vehicles as the sedentary flow of traffic round the car park resumed unhindered by an old guy going backwards.

Upon returning to the car, as I ruminated on the rediscovery of my reversing ability I thought about and was momentarily, I repeat, momentarily, tempted to make the ten mile journey home in reverse.

Quote;  Dave Barry.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”

22 Aug 2015

And Then The Plan….

Further to yesterdays post, information has come into my hands regarding the grand game plan for e-cigarettes; herein after known as EC as every time I type 'cigarette' my fingers insist on spelling it differently.

Public Health England, after lulling EC users into a sense of security and after consultations with the WHO, the EU and Scooby-do, are putting forward to government their plan for levelling the playing-field and increasing government profits, and theirs, from the use of these devious devices that they now insist should be classified as an aid to stopping proper smoking rather than just an innocent form of enjoyment.

They are proposing the banning of all but one type of EC and one liquid. That being their type. This devise will only operate under a special EC edition of Windows 10 and require, for monitoring purposes, a 24/7 WIFI connection.

Once a device is purchased the owner will need to go to a dedicated Public Health EC Web address and enter the devices unique thirty-four character identification code to activate the EC. A one-off fee of a hundred pounds will be charged for this registration service. Once your payment has been authorised, your age, address, eye colour and occupation logged, you'll be instructed to download all Windows 10 EC Special Edition updates and patches – and Google maps – to your EC. The EC will have a display screen running the length of the device. This display will show any text alerts and notify the owner when Windows 10 EC Special Edition is downloading and installing updates. The EC will be inoperable during these update periods which could last, dependant on file size, from five hours to five days.

On completion of the above registration process, presently in beta and taking roughly three weeks, the registered owner will be directed to another secure web page to complete the 'certified user' process. This will be a simple matter of setting up a standing order in the sum of two hundred pounds per month for a minimum period of two years 'membership'. You will also be required to submit, electronically, your fingerprint. Thereafter, it will just be a matter of agreeing to the terms and conditions and then, in approximately four working days, providing your device has downloaded and installed all the Windows 10 EC Special Edition updates, you will be sent a text message stating that your EC will be remotely activated after pressing the start button the equivalent number of times equating to your thirty-four character registration code. For this, 'A' would be one long press, 'B' would be two. Lower case 'a' would be one long quickly followed by one short and so forth through the alphabet. Numerals would be the number of extremely quick presses followed by another press and hold for two seconds corresponding to the number being entered. More detailed instructions will be hidden on their Web site in due course.

The terms, conditions and instructions are too numerous and complex to go into in any detail here but the main thrust of these are the following:
The device will only be activated for five minutes every three hours. This will only happen if the device is detected to be in an acceptable location i.e the owners garden and at least fifty meters clear of the owners and all neighbouring properties
and/or public highways and byways. Upon pressing the EC 'on' button a high pitched, 180Db whistling will be emitted by the device as a warning to anyone approaching so they may take such precautionary measures to avoid the vaper that they may deem necessary. Some remote locations, such as moorland and mountains, are also acceptable within the permitted five minute 'on' periods. However, the probable lack of a WIFI connection will render the device inactive. 4G will serve as long as the EC is attached via a dongle to a smartphone. Dongles are available as an additional purchase. Dual shoulder harnesses, to aid carrying the EC with dongle attached, will be available in the online accessory store. It's hoped that some time in the future the size of the dongle can be reduced.
If the EC loses its WIFI connection for a period greater than two hours it will be rendered inactive for added security and will require reconnecting to WIFI and the thirty-four character registration code re-submitting via the EC. A period of disconnect greater than twelve hours will require the EC to be re-registered at a further cost of one hundred pounds.
The device is security locked to prevent over use and hacking and activated by the fingerprint recognition pad secreted in the start button. This also logs, on remote servers, the total activations during any five minute 'on' period and can remotely shut down the device if too many button presses in any five minute active period are detected.
For your monthly two hundred pound subscription you will receive text alerts via your EC, informing you of low battery charge and/or time to go to needing to refill the device.
To refill the EC simply re-enter your thirty-four character registration details and after the level is confirmed as low, a code will be transmitted to the device within twelve hours. Take the EC to a registered filling station, licensed to handle hazardous materials, where a fully trained and certificated government approved e-liquid handling technician will enter the code, displayed on the EC, into the country-wide EC database to confirm the device can be legally filled with two millilitres of standard, approved liquid. The only liquid. The device should, under normal circumstances, be filled and ready for collection within forty-eight working hours. As well as the price of the liquid, a charge will be made reflecting the hazardous nature of this specialised filling service.

These regulations will be subject to change at any time but it's hoped things will be kept as simple as the above so as not to deter people from using these devious devices.

Man, I hope I don't come back here in a couple of years and say to I, 'You know what? I was damn close!'

Quote;  Robert A. Heinlein.

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”

             Alan Bennett.

“We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.”

21 Aug 2015

And Then, Back To Normal….

You remember I found that Windows 10 had quite a rapid start and stop? Well, right now it's  reverted to situation normal start an' stop. Then I spotted that at each shutdown it's installing huge patches. This, to dumb ol' me, would suggest Microsoft-in-the-head hadn't quite{?} got Windows 10 ready for release into the wild. This would also suggest that I am, indeed, on a preferential list of Windows 8 dot 1 users and will only be upgraded when 10 is perfect. I sure don't think breath holding is an option in this regard. Thanks Bill.

By the way Bill, it being Friday an' all, shall we hook up this evening? Sink a few brews and shoot the sh… shoot the code awhile?

Tune in tomorrow evening for a possible elaboration on a rumour going around relating to a whole hell of a lot of coders who're working round the clock on a special version of Windows 10 to run on a new generation of e-cigarettes. If Bill rolls out tonight I should be able to get the full SP off him after a few brews.