23 May 2016

And Then It’s Gone...

Here’s something almost all you good people out there will be able to relate to.

It came to pass that, needing something to do between now and saying, ‘Out’ on the twenty third of thingy, I prepared to the garden to smarten-up the garden chairs. This could be taken as a euphemism for too mean to get new ones but, hay, they’ve served us well for the three days each year you can use ‘em for many years.

Anyhoo, after the boring preliminaries it was time to mask-up wot didn’t need spray painting prior to – you guessed it – spray painting the chairs.

Off to the shed for masking tape of which I knew I had plenty as it was only, what, nine months ago I purchased a one hundred foot roll of the stuff, five foot rolls being unavailable, of which only six inches was used at that time.

We now come to the part you can all relate to. There’s absolutely no sign of the roll of masking tape. This phenomena is also known to exist regarding the disappearance of rolls of Teflon thread tape where only two inches have been used.

The search was thorough and actually involved moving stuff in the draws to peer below. Nothing. I did, however, find that broken light fitting I decided, many years ago, to keep because...

Off to the DIY mega shop, buy a roll of masking tape – five foot rolls unavailable so settle for another hundred foot roll of the damn stuff, get home, use the required couple of feet and spray paint the chairs.

And thus we come to the part of the project where magic takes over. When packing all the kit away, you’ll find the new roll of masking tape, less the two feet used – okay, six feet counting the four that, again by magic, wrapped itself round your arms and neck, when you put it in the allotted draw, will sit perfectly on top of the old roll. Yup, the old roll’s back from its trip to other dimensions.

Thus it would seem the only absolutely guaranteed method of finding ‘missing’ masking or thread tape, through magical forces not yet fully understood, is to buy a new roll.

Quote;  Monty Hall.

“I swiftly discovered that there are few things in DIY (and possibly life) that can't be solved with a large mallet, a bag of ten-centimetre nails and some swearing.”

21 May 2016

And Then, From Back When...

I was tuned into a local radio station this afternoon when the DJ played a blast from the past that I’d long forgotten and, upon hearing it again after so many years, was taken with how well it had stood the test of time.

Took me way back and very quickly had my feet tapping and pumping and jiving in all directions while my hands were doing rhythmic, but a tad jerky, back and forth swings - all of which, on reflection, must’ve been a really puzzling and irritating three minutes for the drivers following us at the time. However, it was gladdening to note that many drivers heading in the opposite direction must’ve been listening to the same song as they joyously flashed their headlights at me in recognition of my synchronised side-to-side swings as I rocketed towards them.

If you’re heading out for the evening, on foot, this’ll set you up right good. Enjoy your time; it’s valuable.


Quote;  Rachel Cain.

“See?" he said, with an unholy amount of glee. "I hardly broke any laws at all. I should drive more often."
"No. Trust me, you shouldn't," Eve said. "Think of all the little old people and the children.”

20 May 2016

And Then Some Washing...

Man, has it been that long? Gives you some idea of the many somethings I had to do and the places I had to go to see the people I had to see.

it all culminated this morning with having to pay a little money, I say again, a little money, into the bank. Have you noticed when you do this recently that the cashiers ask, as not so much a question, more a jokey comment, where the money came from? “Been busy on E-bay then?” Sort o’ like that.

I was ready and willing to offer-up my answer this morning.
”I’ve noticed in the financial news recently the proliferation of headlines regarding money laundering. So, here I am.” You see ‘So’ sneak in there? “And let me tell ya’, I sure won’t be doing that money laundering thingy ever again as I’m obviously not smart enough. See that little pile I’m paying in? It should’ve been huge but the vast bulk of it was destroyed during the final rinse and spin cycles.”

This was greeted with a blank look so blank in its blankness that it scored a perfect 10 for blank looks and was easily the days blank look winner.

In other news I see it’s day one of putting a perfectly legal product, already kept behind vision proof doors, in plain packaging.  On the bright side, there’ll be a boom, on many levels, in cottage industries. On top of course, the counterfeiters and other assorted bad boys, going all the way down to off-grid cigarette case makers and decorators.

Have you seen the plain packaging? You have to ask yourself how far the meaning of the word ‘plain’ can be stretched do you not?

                   web-cigs                      original
              My idea of ‘plain’.            Their idea of ‘plain’.

Is that it then? Are they happy now, or what passes for happy in their warped world? You’re kidding, right? Wine next? You want a bottle of Bo-jolly on your dinner table with pictures of rotting livers all over it? You’re having wot tonight? Liver? Bummer.  Standby for a surge in sales of crystal and plastic decanters.

How do we rid ourselves of these meddlesome self appointed puritans?

Quote;  IRS Auditor.

“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.”

            Sam Ewing.

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”

16 May 2016

And Then A Charter...

That didn’t take long did it? The government, after all the tough talk leading up to the new BBC Charter, caved in and basically gave them a ‘just carry on doing what you’re doing’ charter.

I can imagine the sharp intakes of breath at BBC HQ when they realised they’d basically got off scot-free - quickly followed by hearty celebrations**. And how do the BBC thank them and us for their fairly free pass? By firing a broadside at us, that’s how.

This, if it comes to pass, is not so much a nudge, nudge, but more like a whack in the head with the extremely thick end of a jolly big wedge. Muslim critics have suggested that the BBC could televise...” Meanwhile, a Christian critic, in a country not too far away...

**’Celebrations’ reminded me of the old story relating to the word, ‘celebrate’. See? There’s always a smile to be had.

Quote;  John Buchan.

“An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.”


14 May 2016

And Then A Bit Of Fear...

With David Come-undone continuing to headline the 2016 UK Fear Tour, with supporting acts by the usual hooks, crooks and comic singers, I was taken by the banner to this piece;
Unexploded bomb in Bath deactivated by experts.” I was wondering Dave, will we all get one if we vote to go?

I’m guessing it wasn’t Mr Mirage’s bath as Bath was capitalised so it must be the town of Bath. We can but imagine the relief of those who’s homes where in range of said bomb to learn it was going to be disarmed by experts rather than the police shouting out, “Yo!! You from number thirteen Rubbly Avenue, you’re first up to have a go, okay?”

After last nights bit o’ Bob, this headline brought to mind another bit o’ Bob, from back the way. A smile for Saturday.


Pardon? Some music? Okay, try this. I’d never heard this before but I caught a bit of it in an advert and managed to net the sucker via that magic song catcher. It is, of cause, Changes by Faul and Wad. Yeah, that’s what I thought, but it’s pretty catchy. Please note that if you’re using earphones, after the singing bit at the beginning, the bass line kicks in and could well cause a nosebleed. The sound’s reminiscent of Candy Dulfler don’t you think? Pardon? Oh, okay. Go left to Stuff I Like and try Lily Was Here.

Quote;  J. G. Ballard.

“Almost pedantically, she added: "They're not really bombs- they're acoustic provocations.”

13 May 2016

And Then A Old One...

As there’s so much going on in the world of tobacco control, and by definition control of us, I cast my mind back in time and found this old gem that you old folk will probably remember well. It still, after all this time, makes me smile.


Quote;  Madeleine L'Engle.

“Because to take away a man's freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person.”

     Ralph Ellison.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”