And Then, I Wonder...

Further to yesterdays post I braced myself, and with tremendous caution, shortened my barnet to disguise the runway. This looked to work to a certain degree so I sallied forth to test results in public. Sadly, I came fifth as the shops were jammed. I can only surmise folk are stocking-up prior to self isolating themselves.

Anyhoo, I wasn’t aware of any strange looks so I’ll give my cut a pass. However, having nothing weighty on my mind and feeling a tad light headed, this got me thinking about Mother Nature and evolution in general.

We started off as a damn hairy bunch way back, right? This hair was mandatory – pre Wranglers and T-shirts – for modesty, protection and warmth. Time passed, shy guys invented loin cloths and found that the big beasts they killed to eat had an outer layer that could be cut to form jolly warm coverings.

With these innovations, over generations the need for excessively hairy bodies receded. But the head remained hairy and I can only assume that came about as the head is the control and communication centre thus, even with the advent of hats, needed that extra layer of protection – mainly from the cold.

And so to my thought that Mother Nature and evolution need to look again at human head hair. Why? Well, as we get older, we need to keep warmer but this is the time when many ageing folk start losing their hair. Why do we gain a surfeit of ear and nose hair and if you fail to keep control of your eyebrows they quickly present the opportunity of a comb-up-and-over all apparently at the cost of proper head hair?

There is of course a chance, and thus  a trick, Greta Thumbelina, blessed be her name, could be missing and that is that Mother Nature has put the need for head insulation on the back burner owing to the advance of global warming...

My next step is to obtain funding for a ten year study investigating the speed of hair growth in the summer, warm weather compared to the speed of growth in winter, cold weather. If I can link this study, however tenuously, with climate change, funding shouldn’t be a problem at all, right?

I can see the headlines now; “An exciting new study has found links between the accelerating speed of loss and the declining speed of growth of hair to climate change.”

Quote;  Harry Graham??

"’Tis years of sorrow and of care
Have made his head come through his hair."

And Then A Quick Trim...

You may not remember but back in the distant past of the early twenties, I got me a hair clipper. After a dodgy first couple of cuts I more or les got the hang of it as far as wot the differing size guides will leave or not.

Time went by and eventually my little nest of vipers decided she should join in. Not doing her own hair of course, but doing round the back of my head and then finally giving my neck a clean-up sans any guide on the cutters and this has been the routine for many a long time: She will cut and trim the bits of my head invisible to me then I’ll whizz over the rest of my swede.

Yesterday morning she suggested I was ready for a trim thus we proceeded in the tried and tested method and having cut round the back, bottom to top, she removed the guide to do the final neck clean-up and this is when things took a dive as she saw an area that needed shortening a tad, forgot the guide was off and quickly and effortlessly shaved a two inch wide strip from just behind my left ear to the top of my head.

I sensed something was amiss as she screeched with shock and substantial lumps of my hair fell before me and we both instantly realised wot she’d done.

After the initial shock and once I’d mopped up the blood and confirmed her nose wasn’t broken – for those who believe everything they read, that was a joke; two tissues got it – I laughed which made her feel a tad better and then had to decide wot to do. Do I shave the rest of my head? Too cold for that. Shave just the lower area? Too gooney lookin’. Do I get me one of they woolly teapot warmer lookin’ hats or shall I shave a matching strip on the right side thus running the risk, when I’m spotted out and about, of starting a stampede to barbers of old and young alike desperately wanting to be up there with this exciting, trend setting new fashion statement?

I reflected on this for all of five minutes and, in view of the weird things a lot of folk seem to do with their hair these days, decided to leave well alone and just let it grow back. It’ll grow back quick, right? So far I haven’t noticed any strange looks... okay, a few and I just know they know wot happened. Probably from their own experiences.

Quote;  Charlie Brooker.

The fashion industry is an immense cultural and social blight that only gets a free pass because its would-be detractors are scared it'll start criticising their haircut.”

And Then I Get A Little Nosey….

A cautionary tale follows.

I may have mused on this before, but why is it that, past a certain age, with every passing year thereafter – nay, month, a fellows facial hair grows ever longer and at an ever increasing pace? I'm not talking top of head  hair here, I'm primarily talking ears, eyebrows and nostrils.

Why do my ears need to be hairy just because I'm old? what's with eyebrows that need hair gel to get them in some semblance of order? Are long eyebrows to compensate for loss of head top hair? Are we supposed to use our new, long eyebrows as a comb-over? Then there's nostril hair. What, in the name of evolution, is that all about when your old?

I'm not a vain person, far from it, I just prefer people I'm talking to to be looking at my eyes rather than roaming around my face marvelling at my nose and eyebrow hair styles of the day.

I'm betting you've tried that ol' nose hair plucking routine, right? Usually while driving which gives the impression to others that your picking that orifice. It's also time consuming is it not?

Not too long ago, while browsing round Boots, or possibly another chemists and I was wearing boots, fading memory does that, my little nest of vipers, a long time complainant of my nosey hair, spotted a little bit o' kit wot promised to cut eyebrows either leaving them long or short depending on the cunning guide used. It also had a sticky-on thingy enabling you to push it up your nose – yeah, I know – and thus remove nostril hair. Really, is this a wonder of modern engineering or wot? How to find out? Yup, buy one I did. Correction; buy one for me she did.

You know what? It actually works and, as a plus, without the eyebrow length guide, he do keep my ears visible.

Now to the note of caution.

This little jobby is powered by a single AA battery. It lasts a long time and you can be lulled into a false sense of power security. Trust me; replace the battery frequently as you will, without doubt, arrive at the day, after missing several trim sessions, when you switch him on, shove him up your nose and, with the batteries last gasp, he'll grab a fist full of nose hair and stop dead. And that is an extremely unpleasant plucking nose sensation. Whoa!! Is that a play on words or wot? My apologies to any Timidadians passing quickly by.

This will leave you with a weird looking machine hanging out your nose and tears streaming down your face. If anyone is watching they will also have tears streaming down their face. Sadly, your tears will be pain induced and theirs will be of uncontrollable mirth.

Remember, the above is a man story and we tend to feel pain even when cutting our toenails. You would also think I'd learned my lesson after the early forays into cutting my own hair would you not?

Quote;  Andy Warhol.

"I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows."

            Courteney Cox.

"Well, actually, plucking my eyebrows is more of a hobby than
a grooming tip."

And Then I Cut My Own Hair.....

Yes, that's right, I cut my own hair. I went out and got me a set of those 'cut your own hair' clippery things. You seen them? Just those ol' barbers clippers but with a shed load of guides you stuff on the cuttery end depending on how long or short you want the finished barnet to be. That's the theory. Meanwhile back in the real World it don't pan out quite like that. At least not for this fool it didn't.

This is how you do it - or don't do it..... After checking out the guides and giving the top of my hair a rough measure I settled for 26 mm on top. That's a lot shorter than it was but would leave it long enough to bend here or there as the mood took me. Then locate the guide for a shorter length for the sides and back. From 6 for the bottom progressing upwards to 9 and then 12 mm towards the top and ol' Mr. 26 for the very top. That should take care of it don't you think? I thunk it would. Sort the guides for round the ears and the hangy down side bitties and off we go!!

Starting with the sides it soon became apparent, VERY apparent, that the cutting bit is dead easy, and dead fast!! The lifting off as you proceed upwards from where you want it short to where you want it a tad longer is dead hard. Result? Hay, will you look at that! Looks like I went higher up with that short guide than planned, well, here, here, here and here I sure did. Oh, and you can see the wood here and there, and there and.......

What to do now? Well, OK, lets forget ol' Mr. 26 and go for it a little shorter on top so I can even things out lower down. That should work. Not much I can do about the wood showing through, but I can always go a little shorter.

And therein lies the rub. And trust me on this one. Shorter you can most definitely go; longer, you cannot.

A few minutes later after frequent panicky changes of the guides, getting rapidly lower in the mm number, viola! I had an even looking hair cut. Or to put it another way, it's even at a shade shorter than the 4 mm guide, ear to ear, neck to eye brows {nearly lost those as well, by the way}. Just couldn't get that 'short hair round the sides and back evenly progressing to longer hair on top' look at all and, sadly, there are several more areas of wood visible.

If you think I'm going to post a picture, please give your head a shake. Mine, by the way, now shakes very lightly.

But I will be doing it again - in about a year when I have something to work with again.

Things To Do:

Print 'Use With Caution' sign for clippers.

Throw comb and hair brush away.

Find a shampoo containing Hair-Be-Back-Quick.

Quote - P. G. Wodehouse;

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.