And Then There Was A CV I Forgot….

The other day I linked to a couple of writings about CVs. Later I remembered I had a little CV stuff lurking somewhere on an old drive. After a good bit of digging I did locate him. Not strictly CV, but close enough for jazz. This, as everything else on this site, seems like, goes back a bunch and is supposedly by some young buck looking for entry to a UK university. Probably not, but nice to think it was. It do be a smile though.

3A – Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question;

Q: – Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once, single-handed, defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have had trials for Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear. I don't perspire. I am a private person, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville toaster. I breed prize-winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.

Quote; Dan Zevin.

“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”

And Then There Were CVs….

There were a couple of interesting/scary posts the other day on the subject of CVs. One by Mr. Redwood, here, and a follow-up by Mr. Not a Sheep from one of his previous posts, linked through here.

Could it be down to computers taking the place of education? Why fill your Swede with things when you can just Google it? Writing, using your wot? Hand? You gotta be kidding, right? A key board and a word processor is all you need for word containing stuff – templates cover it all, a quick grammar checking will sort out punctuation and how the sounding of it will be and a spill chequer four the…… Oh.

BTW, sadly, the future could be here. In fact this is now I guess. R U happy with that?

Along similar lines, the posts reminded me of these one liners from some employee evaluations.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much a has-been, but more a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems it’s only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. Has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24. He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you gave him a penny for this thoughts, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel’s turning, but the hamster’s dead.

Quote; David Letterman.

"Sometimes, when you look in his eyes, you get the feeling that someone else is driving."

And Then There Was An Application.......

This is one I just love. It was sent to me many moons ago but it's one I go back to frequently. 'I breed prize winning clams.' Love it.

I really do hope it was an actual CV.

3A. ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:

Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru . Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100 m in 9.65 sec. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prize winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Spain, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to this University.

Quote;

"References; none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."