21 Jun 2010

And Then There Was A CV I Forgot….

The other day I linked to a couple of writings about CVs. Later I remembered I had a little CV stuff lurking somewhere on an old drive. After a good bit of digging I did locate him. Not strictly CV, but close enough for jazz. This, as everything else on this site, seems like, goes back a bunch and is supposedly by some young buck looking for entry to a UK university. Probably not, but nice to think it was. It do be a smile though.

3A – Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question;

Q: – Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once, single-handed, defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have had trials for Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear. I don't perspire. I am a private person, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville toaster. I breed prize-winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.

Quote; Dan Zevin.

“Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.”

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