12 Mar 2018

And Then Farewell Tommy...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions."
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again.”
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Many more here.

Quote;  Steve Martin.

“Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.”


Ripper said...

Farewell too to Ken Dodd.

Mac said...

And amazingly, those old comics, both male and female, could keep us entertained without the use of any profanity.

Caratacus said...

No profanity ... but my dear old Mum was in a state of shock back in the 60s when she heard him on the radio, "What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through your neighbour's letter-box and shouting, 'The Martians have landed!'" She couldn't look a pickled wally (gherkin) in the eye for weeks afterwards.

Mac said...

Love it! Those folk were masters of the double entendre.
Pop along here for a few you may enjoy like this one;
“Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.” – Famous English Public House sign.