22 Aug 2015

And Then The Plan….

Further to yesterdays post, information has come into my hands regarding the grand game plan for e-cigarettes; herein after known as EC as every time I type 'cigarette' my fingers insist on spelling it differently.

Public Health England, after lulling EC users into a sense of security and after consultations with the WHO, the EU and Scooby-do, are putting forward to government their plan for levelling the playing-field and increasing government profits, and theirs, from the use of these devious devices that they now insist should be classified as an aid to stopping proper smoking rather than just an innocent form of enjoyment.

They are proposing the banning of all but one type of EC and one liquid. That being their type. This devise will only operate under a special EC edition of Windows 10 and require, for monitoring purposes, a 24/7 WIFI connection.

Once a device is purchased the owner will need to go to a dedicated Public Health EC Web address and enter the devices unique thirty-four character identification code to activate the EC. A one-off fee of a hundred pounds will be charged for this registration service. Once your payment has been authorised, your age, address, eye colour and occupation logged, you'll be instructed to download all Windows 10 EC Special Edition updates and patches – and Google maps – to your EC. The EC will have a display screen running the length of the device. This display will show any text alerts and notify the owner when Windows 10 EC Special Edition is downloading and installing updates. The EC will be inoperable during these update periods which could last, dependant on file size, from five hours to five days.

On completion of the above registration process, presently in beta and taking roughly three weeks, the registered owner will be directed to another secure web page to complete the 'certified user' process. This will be a simple matter of setting up a standing order in the sum of two hundred pounds per month for a minimum period of two years 'membership'. You will also be required to submit, electronically, your fingerprint. Thereafter, it will just be a matter of agreeing to the terms and conditions and then, in approximately four working days, providing your device has downloaded and installed all the Windows 10 EC Special Edition updates, you will be sent a text message stating that your EC will be remotely activated after pressing the start button the equivalent number of times equating to your thirty-four character registration code. For this, 'A' would be one long press, 'B' would be two. Lower case 'a' would be one long quickly followed by one short and so forth through the alphabet. Numerals would be the number of extremely quick presses followed by another press and hold for two seconds corresponding to the number being entered. More detailed instructions will be hidden on their Web site in due course.

The terms, conditions and instructions are too numerous and complex to go into in any detail here but the main thrust of these are the following:
The device will only be activated for five minutes every three hours. This will only happen if the device is detected to be in an acceptable location i.e the owners garden and at least fifty meters clear of the owners and all neighbouring properties
and/or public highways and byways. Upon pressing the EC 'on' button a high pitched, 180Db whistling will be emitted by the device as a warning to anyone approaching so they may take such precautionary measures to avoid the vaper that they may deem necessary. Some remote locations, such as moorland and mountains, are also acceptable within the permitted five minute 'on' periods. However, the probable lack of a WIFI connection will render the device inactive. 4G will serve as long as the EC is attached via a dongle to a smartphone. Dongles are available as an additional purchase. Dual shoulder harnesses, to aid carrying the EC with dongle attached, will be available in the online accessory store. It's hoped that some time in the future the size of the dongle can be reduced.
If the EC loses its WIFI connection for a period greater than two hours it will be rendered inactive for added security and will require reconnecting to WIFI and the thirty-four character registration code re-submitting via the EC. A period of disconnect greater than twelve hours will require the EC to be re-registered at a further cost of one hundred pounds.
The device is security locked to prevent over use and hacking and activated by the fingerprint recognition pad secreted in the start button. This also logs, on remote servers, the total activations during any five minute 'on' period and can remotely shut down the device if too many button presses in any five minute active period are detected.
For your monthly two hundred pound subscription you will receive text alerts via your EC, informing you of low battery charge and/or time to go to needing to refill the device.
To refill the EC simply re-enter your thirty-four character registration details and after the level is confirmed as low, a code will be transmitted to the device within twelve hours. Take the EC to a registered filling station, licensed to handle hazardous materials, where a fully trained and certificated government approved e-liquid handling technician will enter the code, displayed on the EC, into the country-wide EC database to confirm the device can be legally filled with two millilitres of standard, approved liquid. The only liquid. The device should, under normal circumstances, be filled and ready for collection within forty-eight working hours. As well as the price of the liquid, a charge will be made reflecting the hazardous nature of this specialised filling service.

These regulations will be subject to change at any time but it's hoped things will be kept as simple as the above so as not to deter people from using these devious devices.

Man, I hope I don't come back here in a couple of years and say to I, 'You know what? I was damn close!'

Quote;  Robert A. Heinlein.

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”

             Alan Bennett.

“We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.”

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