12 Apr 2014

And Then, Just Help Yourself….

With the news last week that your friend and mine, the tax man, will be able to pop into our bank accounts, rummage around and remove what he feels we owe him, and the further news today that it’s going to become sick bird {illegal} to ‘hide’ money in far, far away places, you have to wonder how many folk have been beavering away, for how long and at what cost to formulate these cunning plans.

George, can I call you George? Trust me, it’s better than the alternative. George, this has to be right on the line between acceptable behaviour and thievery.

Never mind the ethics involved, you see one monumental mistake you’ve made here young man? No? there’s a phrase we use on our world when someone comes up with a cunning plan, that phrase is ‘let’s think this through.’ You and your team obviously didn’t do that bit so it comes as no surprise at all that you missed your mistake which is - you’ve just broadcast your intent. Is that dumb or wot?  Now think it through George. I know, I know, but give it a try. No? Wot’s below may help you then.

I’m willing to wager that before your boys an’ girls at HMRC have conducted their first ham-fisted account ‘raid’, and trust me, it’ll be ham-fisted, the Web will be awash with tax advisors and accountants falling over themselves to offer loophole solutions. The legal profession? I’m betting they can’t stop giggling at the prospect of PPI type services relating to, ‘If you believe HMRC have wrongly taken money…….’? Oh boy.

And the bad boys? George, by ‘bad boys’ I mean the professional bad boys, not you governmental amateurs, they must be rolling around and gagging with excitement. All that time wasting identity theft? All that password cracking? All that hacking into one account at a time? All of a sudden the government is offering ‘open access’ to the lot via their system!! Backdoor Trojans?  Hay, it’s a government IT system, the front-door’ll be wide open! Oh boy.

Why, oh why didn’t you just tell those tax IT fellows, on the hush-hush and in total secrecy, to occasionally bob into every bank account in the land and lift a bit of extra cash as required? Fifty pence from every account of every type as needs dictate. Simple!! Who’s going to notice fifty pence in the grand scheme of their own debit column? You’re right, people with only fifty pence would notice. Your guys need to add an **algorithm that would exclude accounts with a balance below, say, a ten or twenty pounds. Overdrafts? Just reverse that.

See? Huge amounts of spare kelly with everyone out here in blissful ignorance. If someone spots and questions a missing fifty pence, it’s obviously a clerical error and it’ll be refunded. Over time of course. Just remember to hit ‘em for a quid next time!

It wouldn’t work? Why not? It’s only a slight re-work of the ‘open’ system that’s proving so popular in Greece.

With all this in mind, and writing of bad people, you may be aware of this site but if not it’s worth a visit to see how your system stacks up. Click Proceed then All Service Ports. My Windows 8 laptop had two venerable ports open after updating to 8.1. They took a bit of shutting but shut they be.  Worth a look.

{Note; I have no idea what an **algorithm is but it fits well and gives the allusion I’m smart. An allusion I’ve just destroyed by admitting I have no idea what an algorithm is. Mr Osborne; you’re not totally alone in dumb land.}

Quote;  Paula Poundstone.

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.”

No comments: