6 Sep 2013

And Then Some Fancy Cooking….

What is it with TV here? What is there to watch if you're not into cooking or old stuff or antiques? Old stuff and antiques, it seems, aren't necessarily the same thing.

And the cooking shows? Cooks on motorbikes, cooks on boats, cooks in caravans, cooks cooking competitions, cooks cooking cakes and on and on and…… Cooks cooking cooks coming to the Cannibal Channel soon?

The country survives on frozen ready meals and take-away doesn't it?     I do quite well on 'em.

Anyhoo, she's watching one of these shows, nudges me, points at the TV and asks, "What that then?"
"That's the TV." I respond helpfully.
"Stupid man. What on TV?"
"They're cooking a suckling pig."
"What that then?"
"A baby pig. The size is the give away by the way."
"His mum know he be cooked?"
"I'm guessing not."

Then I thought, who the hell's this show for? How many folk watching are going to think, "Whoa! You see that little sucker? Neeeeed one. That'll make a cracklingly good meal for dinner tomorrow. Okay, tea then."

Can you imagine the kids squealing, piglet like, in horror when presented with a meal easily recognisable as the little guy they'd spent a day of their holidays petting and getting to know down at the fun farm? 

So who's the show for?  And the majority of these shows are on daytime TV thus the majority of the audience is either not working or  retired so, on the whole, of limited financial means.
"Suckling pig tomorrow?"
"Nah. Let's have something different. I think we've still got some of that sturgeon roe lookin' stuff in the fridge. That with some fries, battered fried onion rings an' a Coke'll do for me."

Is this a typical shopping instruction round and about this country following one of these shows? After the first sentence, which is a given, that is;

"Just popping out for a six pack, some smokes and a scratch card, okay?"
"Okay. Oh, if you pass that Packanasty poultry place, pop in and pick up a brace of pheasants for tea tonight will ya?"
"Will. Pheasant sounds pleasant. How many you want?"
"I just said."
"No you didn't. You said something about braces."
"You need to watch more TV cooking. Pheasants always come in braces."
"Yea, right. A bird in braces. Holding his little trousers up? You think I'm simples? Gimme a break! I was born at night, but not last night. I've never, ever seen a bird with any braces. They don't have teeth and don't wear pants."
"Oh boy. Never mind. Get two. Hay, make sure they're well hung."
"You have got to be kidding me!! I'm in a shop and I've got to undo their little braces, take down their little pants, fumble in their nether feather regions and check out the size of their dangly bits?  In a shop? There is no way I'm doing that in a shop. No way at all. The RSP, whachama-call-it, CA, would have me banged up in a heart-beat for pheasant fiddling. And then the Daily Mail would be on it like white on rice, right? I can see the headline now; Fowl – Pheasant Fondling Man Denies Being A Pheasant Plucker."
"Oh, for the love of…… They hang 'em so's………"
"Oh. Haaaaay, wait a minute! They WHAT now? They hang 'em? How cruel is that then!! I thought they shot 'em!!"
"Don't interrupt and you'll learn some stuff I've learned from stuff on TV. They shoot 'em then hang 'em upside down so's they go off and go slightly bad before you cook………… Now what? Why're you looking at me like that? Right, forget it.  We've a can of beans in the cupboard. Will that work?"
"That it will. With fried eggs an' fries? An' a pile of battered fried onion rings, right?"
"You want some vegetables?"
"The battered fried onion rings ticks that box for me."

Quote;  Erma Bombeck.

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”

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