8 Feb 2011

And Then He Was Here As Well….

You will be delighted, and may well be thinking this is becoming a Blog of delights, to learn that my breakfast preparation guy is here. How does he do that?

This morning he kind of gave the game away though. I was number three in a queue of three each waiting to order our preferred type of chicken egg. Guy number one, at the front, ordered two fried, over easy, and moved on to choose from the other culinary delights on offer, sitting in those keep food hot dishes that the breakfast guy had set at just a tad below lukewarm.

With an audible sigh, the breakfast guy broke two chicken eggs onto the hot plate.

Guy number two, the guy in front of me, the guy who had been behind guy number one, moved up one, thus becoming guy number one, making me, in turn, guy number two, and ordered a cheese omelette. And moved on.

As he moved on, and I moved up, to become guy number one, I heard the breakfast guy mutter, and it can only have been intended for me as he's far from being English, I'm pretty sure we're not in England and there was only me and him. He muttered in English, "They must think I'm Superman."

This presented me with a dilemma. I really wanted a pair of chicken eggs but didn't want to load the breakfast guy up to cracking point with all the embarrassment that would present. Without a word, I moved quickly on towards the bucket of just a tad below lukewarm and scrambled, scrambled eggs instead.

This is where my hand with the ladle was faster than my brain. I was depositing ladle load number three onto my plate by the time my brains 'STOP' signal finally arrived at my hand. Why the 'STOP' alert? The scrambled eggs needed a spoon to eat them. A straw would've worked. For sure, not a fork. Never mind, we don't throw food away. Did I hear the breakfast guy chuckling?

And what does he do to tomatoes? No, really. Tomatoes in the evening, in salads an' stuff, taste just like tomatoes taste. When the breakfast guy gets hold of them that tomato taste is completely removed and replaced with something totally alien. Never mind, we don't throw food away.

You're probably wondering why I don't eat more in the evening and skip breakfast. That'd work, but I'm not going to let the breakfast guy win. Simple as.

Then I remembered something from the mists of time. Breakfast preparation instructions. Sorry, can't remember where they came from and even good ol' Mr. Google let me down. Anyhoo, my plan is to print this out and leave it where the breakfast guy is sure to find it. Possibly floating on top of the just below lukewarm, liquid scrambled eggs. We will see what we will see.

Cooking is the best way to start your full English breakfast. Have you got a cooker? If "no" get one, now (or sooner). Do you have pans on? Lets hope so, yes. How about a spatula? Well done you! Now we can start starting.

Get a high hot heat got going up with the cooker flames and put a big heavy frying pan on top of it. Glug some oils in there, vegetable oil will certainly do the trick, but a chunk of lard can do a trick too and better so.

Stick in the sausages, making sure they get covered in the oils all over thems and start to fry, turn heat down to less hot and make a cup of tea. Turn on Radio 2 and listen to Brian Humphries. Read the newspaper; whatever, just don't get too long about it.

When them sausages have started the browns get those baked beans. Open tin, turn upside down over small saucy pan and let gravity do its thing. Hey presto your beans are now sitting comfortably in that saucepan ready for cooking and your tin is on empty. Throw it on the floor, its rubbish.

Now get out other ingredients ready. Slice a tomato in two half-ways so that you get equal semi-ball shapes of the same sizes sitting there then.

Grab those mushrooms with a hand, chop up into chunks, not too small, not too big, but somewhere in between in the middle of it.

Take a blacks pudding, cut up on the diagonal so you get oval shapes about in widthes. How are those sausages? Pay attention! If they are browned all over themselves and the beans are thick and good, carefully throw the mushrooms in the big old pan with the big old sausages; they can cook in that their fat that is coming out of the sausages if they want to, up to them.

If there isn't enough stick a knob of butter in there, that'll do. Now get your grill fired up, that's right.

Lay down the bacon flaps along the grill thing and stick them under the hot heat to let them cook. Keep an eye on them in the back of your head over your shoulder as rashers are thin and cook quickly, yes they do do that actually, yes. Also they catch fire very easy as pigs is highly flammable creatures.

Place the bean-pan on a sort of high-ish but not too hot heat and wait till they starts to bubble, stir around a bit with appropriate spoon or some such kitchen implementation, turn heats down and simmer away.

When the mushrooms are getting "there" place the tomatoes in the frying pan too, cut side down, in among the rest of it where you can. Why not start frying the black puddings too? Go, get them frizzling. Due to lack of pans I would fry the fried slices in another room, if I were you. Get it hot like the first one, blob in some lards, swirl around like that and when heaty place in slices of bread. Probably best to turn the bacon now and cook it on its other side by turning it over itself already.

By now your kitchen should be getting very smoky, and that means you've got it just right.

Ready with the eggs? This is the last bit and the fun bit but also the riskiest bit mess-wise. Find room in the frying pan where they can go, break them on and let them in and cook until cooked.

What else? What have you forgotten? Nothing? Then it must be ready. Now what? Let's eat it.

Quote; Katherine Cebrian.

"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."


Caratacus said...

Mac - I can't believe this.. YOU FORGOT THE KETCHUP. (And a small stubby, pref. San Miguel) :)

You be careful with them egg, you might catch that there Sam 'n' Ella (fine girls apparently!)

Mac said...

You're right. Now, if I take the breakfast guys tomatoes and smother them in ketchup........