18 Dec 2010

And Then There Was An Urgent Correction….

I feel that, in the interests of Health and Safety, I must correct the last bit of my last post which I now see was a tad irresponsible. I just hope I’m in time.

I may have given the impression that grownups can confront our modern youth by saying things like;

“Hay! Kid!! Get off it! Let someone else have a look. Go learn to read or something.”

This form of response to kids hogging your cartoon is, of course, completely unacceptable and probably dangerous in our modern, progressive society.

Probably a more appropriate response would be, spoken in a firm, commanding voice, “Now, put the gun down and step away from the cartoon.”

If you choose this form of approach it should be used with extreme caution and, I must stress, will depend on several important criteria, some of which are, but not limited to, how much alcohol you’ve consumed, as this will govern your courage quotient, you’re wearing a bullet proof vest and how many of your, equally drunk and similarly attired, friends are acting as backup.

Let’s be honest here, the favoured response is just to pretend you haven’t seen anything, hide round the corner and come back to the cartoon when the kid has tired of it, two minutes on average, and moved on to something new with more bright colours and flashy bits.

If, however, the kid sees you glance at him as you hurry by, he will probably say something along the lines of, “Yo’ old man, like, wot you be, like, lookin’ at, innit?”

The simplistic reaction to this, assuming you’re sober, bullet proof vestless and friendless, is to run away really, really quickly.

For those of you of an age, like me, that running more than two feet would result in a heart attack, in itself no guarantee you won’t get a supplemental kicking, the accepted response is to fall to your knees, wring your hands and whimper, “Please, please don’t hurt me. Just take the cartoon and let me go. Please. I won't tell.”

At the very least, three ‘pleases’ should be used. Further ‘pleases’ can be added as you feel the situation demands. There’s no upper limit.

It could also be advantageous to force a couple of tears, assuming you’re not already crying in fear or from hurting your knees as you assumed the begging position. Or both.

Other visual aids to consider are snivelling, dribbling and shuffling about on your knees. This last option will depend on your personal pain threshold.

I just hope I’ve got this post out in time and haven’t caused any unnecessary grief with my silly old-fashioned ideas of yesterday.

You could always arm yourself with a Taser. {Makes me laugh every time I read it.}

Quote; Paul Merton.

“On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.”

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