And Then It Is Done...

    ...And getting it done is why I’ve been MIA for a while.
   This goes back some twenty years when we first came back to the UK, got this house and did the modifications wot we wanted.
   One of those jobs, low down on the list, was to renew a six foot high by forty foot long garden fence. I done did do that with six foot by four inch boards screwed top, middle and bottom into batons. So? So, I completely forgot to take into account we were back in a windy country and stupidly left no windage between the boards so it was solid as opposed to a wind through picket style.
    Amazingly, it’s stood a phew extreme tests over the years but my little nest of vipers – for quite some time – has insisted, rightly, that we do something about it. That I/we did thus my absence from peeping through this mirror.
   An easy job? Not hard for a buck but the freeing of the screws  for this ancient fellow, with each board having one at head height, one waist and one on knees in the soil was a bummer. Why? Getting onto my knees wasn’t a problem. Getting back upright after each kneel probably accounted for fifty percent of the job time. I finally lit-up and did top and middle then all the remaining bottom with just the one kneel and many side ways shuffles. Plus time lost owing to that climate crisis thingy. That would be wot we old folk call periods of rain...
   I mentioned a long time ago that since my tick-a-tack I can bruise just by walking past a coffee table so, as a result of another act of stupidity on my part, not wearing work gloves on day one, the backs of my hands are a right mess. However, when it’s commented on whilst out and about, it do give me an excuse to recount the old story thus;
”Oh boy! How did you do that to your hands?”
”Working in the garden. It’s sad really; the wife still thinks it’s going to be a fish pond.”
   Let’s DIY then...

    Let’s give all that no never mind. The boards are back up with equal spacing between boards so the job is done, she’s happy and I’m cream crackered from the knees up and down. Bu-by.

Quote;  Napoleon Hill.

“It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.”

And Then I De-clutter...

   On instructions from my little nest of vipers, I spent the morning sorting out the garden shed as she was finding it difficult{?} locating her desired garden tool amongst the clutter of kept just in case kit.
   I can relate to this as, as time goes by, the accumulation of just in case kit transforms the shed into a walk-in version of the hoarders kitchen draw.
   Therein is stuff remaining from every project done since we got this drum. Everything from bits of plumbing stuff, electrical bits, gutter stuff, wood floor and ceramic tile laying bits and the mandatory four tins of paint wot are now four tins of hard skin.
   I done did as instructed and ended up with six large bags and three items too big for bags. Into the car and deposited at the local council tip.
   And why not? Not a thing I’ve ever needed over the years nor ever will. That is until this time tomorrow...
   Anyhoo, remember the Vini Vici dancing clip? Ran into this the other day. Pretty cool. Go on, give it a try, it needs the views as it’s languishing on a measly sixty-two million views. Love the comment; “Roses are red, violets are blue, when I listen to Astrix the neighbours do too.”

Quote;  Patricia A. McKillip.

“...that once were urgent and necessary for an orderly world and now were buried away, gathering dust and of no use to anyone.”

And Then, Over To Ripper...

   Here’s the last comment from the good Ripper regards the post featuring problems with homes called new builds. I had to pause awhile thinking how best to explain  common sense and critical thinking to any younger readers but gave up after a sleepless night. 
   Anyhoo, happy, cool, overcast high summer Sunday and over to Ripper and who knew fixing a staircase banister had become so complicated and regulation reliant these days, eh? Got me thinking wot paperwork, that I’m not aware of, should be completer prior to changing a light bulb. Or do you just call an amp-tramp to do it for you these daze?
   Shocking indeed, but not to me. Your video makes my problems with the renovation pale into insignificance, but the reason I don't find it shocking or surprising is that I've been on a steep learning curve since this began, I've consulted many tradesmen, looked in on DIY forums, watched YouTube self help videos, and I've come across all these things along the way. I count my blessings that I'm an engineer by trade, so capable of common sense and critical thinking.
   Before taking on any particular task I've consulted building regs to make sure I'm getting it right, and learned a lot in the process - for example, you might consider screwing a new stair handrail to the wall to be a simple task - and it is, except that there are regulations. The rail has to be between 34 and 38 inches up from the nose of each step, and return to the wall at both ends. The rail must be one continuous run on each wall. A staircase is defined as having 3 steps or more and any staircase over 1m wide has to have a rail. Bet you didn't know that - and none of the tradesmen who work on these new builds will either.
   Like any trade, my own included, there will always be the bodgers who lied their way into a job for money. Their antics can be really entertaining and there's a series on YouTube called 'On The Tools - Not MY Job'. These are videos from the tradesmen themselves and I've passed many an hour rolling with laughter watching this. So to give you a 10min laugh rather than just a smile, here's an example (caution, many naughty words).

   Its also handy, if you do ever employ tradesmen, to know who you are talking to. Although this video is also meant to be humorous, it is also true to life, if any of those who I spoke to before deciding to tackle the job myself are anything to go by. There were a couple of the chancer type who's work I had to rectify after, but this is not necessarily a bad thing - I got the main job, that I didn't have the skills for done and the cost was cheap. The rectification is nothing really. Just don't let these guys anywhere near a critical job.

I see Nourishing Obscurity featured music out o’ Africa yesterday so no further excuse required as a way to end with this bit o’ movement to music again. As before, don’t try this at home unless there’s a proficient first aider and a chiropodist close by, okay?

Quote;  John Gotti.

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."

And Then A Lesson...

   ...for Ripper in way of thanks for his comments to the last post; well worth a read.
   I could be a tad late to the build with this video but here we go.
   The lesson wot’s in the video below illustrates how much better use his money could’ve been put to by buying a new build rather than the renovating he’s presently involved with. Yeah, right. Well worth a look especially if you’re considering a new build purchase. Ah shacks ma heed.
   If you do watch, you may want to mute the sound soon after the start or else the word ‘shocking’ will firmly take hold of your whole head for hours to come. And let me tell you, that’s a shocking experience that left me shocked. Shocked I tells ya.
   How the hell do things like that get past inspectors and surveyors? Is having a property surveyed by a third party before a lender will lend money for a property purchase a thing of the past?
   Anyhoo, as with almost every damn thing in this loony toons world we find ourselves in, you decide if that video is fact or faked...

Quote;  David Allan Coe,

“It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; it’s the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time.”

And Then, It’s In...

   Wot’s in then? Why the cloths dryer of course. In and working.
   One thing that was a bit of a surprise, was the fitters. Carried the dryer into the kitchen, unpacked – never seen so much polystyrene – asked where it was going and that’s when it started.
   The two fitters looked at each other then asked where the mains socket was. I showed them it was attached to the back of the adjoining base unit cupboard. They looked at each other again and said I’d need a kitchen fitter to get the dryer mains lead and plug to the socket into the base of the unit, along the bottom, up the back between the wall and the back-panel of the unit and out through the hole and into the cupboard to get to the socket.
   Said I to them, “Let’s try this first.” Again they looked at each other and I could see they were thinking, ‘Last call of the day and we get a nutter.’
   “Okay,” says I to the guy crouching by the dryer space, “take that string and tie it to the mains lead at the plug. Okay? Now,” to the other guy, “push the dryer home slowly.”  As he pushed, I pulled my end of the messenger string and there it was; the plug popped out the pre-cut hole at the back of the unit and I plugged him in. The two fellows looked at each other, yet again, but this time with a look that suggested they’d been privileged to witness the second coming. 
   How did I position the string in the first place? Obviously when I pulled the old mains lead out, messenger string attached.
   Hard to believe this was a revelation to full-time domestic appliance fitters and one wonders how many folk have resorted to the expense of chippies and amp-tramps regards this type of task that needs no more than a length of string.
   On a final note, it was with unbridled joy I discovered this dryer can, with an app, be operated remotely via a phone of the smart variety.
   You believe that? Wot’s the oft repeated media safety call? Never, ever leave a dryer running if nobody’s going to be home, right? So they offer the option to remotely operate a heat generating electrical appliance,  containing soon to become dry, flammable textiles, to the smartphone generation? Wot could possibly go wrong eh? Ah shacks ma heed.

Quote;  Amit Kalantri.

“Texting is not talking and a phone is not a friend.”

And Then, A Little Electrickery...

   Further to my recent, riveting posts regards a new tumble dryer and the mention of electrickery, Ripper left a comment that I feel is well worth a read,  especially anyone out there considering a little DIY work that may involve wires, plugs or the ‘installation’ of extension cables as a quick and dirty addition to power outlets.
   Warning to younger readers, this advice contains punctuation and, even more frightening, maths. Apologies in advance for any upset caused but trust me, it’ll be small-beer compared to wot a dose of raw electrickery will do to you. Or the joy of a blackout. Can you even imagine that horror? No Fuse-book? No Watts-amp?
   I thought extension leads on washers had always been a no no, considering that the first thing that comes on in a washing machine is the heater. If that's rated say, at 2000 watts, it draws almost 8.5 amps. I've never seen an extension cable rated at more than around 6 amps fully unwound, often less. Obviously the flex is going to burn.
   Those 4 and 6 way are the worst, there are even 10 way. Fine for computer equipment but you can bet your next weeks pension that some fool somewhere will try one of those in the kitchen with the washing machine, a kettle and a toaster, and perhaps the microwave as well.
   Useful tip that you may or may not already know, when working out electrical loads, first find out the power consumption of the appliance in watts. This is always on a sticker on the appliance, on a washer or drier the sticker is inside the door opening. Then divide by the mains voltage and you get the current draw in amps. This works all three ways - if you know any two values you can get the third.
To find voltage, its wattage divided by current.
To find current, its wattage divided by voltage.
To find wattage, its current multiplied by voltage.
Never load a double socket with more than 13 amps (3120 watts). The two sockets could handle a total of 26 amps but the cable in your wall may not be able to do so.
   Regarding the socket guards, all 13A domestic sockets have an anti-tamper plate which the pins of the plug push aside when anything is plugged in. You don't need the socket guards any more but there's certainly no harm in sticking to old habits like that.
And thus ends with a prank...
   Finally, a top-tip from a friend of Doonhamer; if you have a socket that’s not in use, leave a plug in it to prevent electrickery leaking out... But that’s only common sense.

Quote;  Dave Barry.

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you’ve been drinking.”

And Then, A Top-Hole Tip...

Further to the last bit I typed about screw holes, below, taken from the comments on that, is an absolute beauty of a tip from the good Ripper which I’m sure will chime with any of you who indulge in a little/lot of DIY.
Note to self: Bin large collection of plastic plugs.

   How to fix a screw hole in wood: I've been using this technique for years, not only to re-fix screws in wood where the thread is buggered and the hole has got too large, but also to fill and hide screw holes.
   Start by drilling the screw hole out to 8mm. You've seen those 8mm fluted dowels that they use in flat pack furniture? Take one of those and coat in wood glue (Evo Stik Resin W is good stuff, stronger than the joint itself). Tap the glue coated dowel into the drilled out screw hole. Any dowel left sticking out can be cut off flush with a wood chisel and a sharp tap from a hammer. Drill your new holes. This trick is also good for door hinges with worn out screw holes that keep coming loose.
   Its worth keeping a bag of those dowels around, you can get a bag of 100 very cheap and they make amazingly strong rawlplugs too in brick, taking around 3 times the force to pull out as the conventional rawlplug.
   Things getting smaller: Manufacturing cost is a factor, but in the engineering world there has always existed the mentality that using more material than is needed is wasteful in more ways than one. For example, why use 3mm thick plate to do a job when 2mm has more than adequate strength for the task? Ask yourself if the 1/8 of an inch missing from your handles was actually needed in order for them to do their job. It is in this way that things (edible items aside) become leaner, better, faster etc. The cost saving is a bonus that makes the company more competitive so in a sense that saving is passed to you.
   To put things in perspective, an optimist would say that their glass is half full, a pessimist would say that their glass is half empty. An engineer would say that their glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Okay Ripper, here’s a tune by way of a thank you for that top tip that relates to your last paragraph – somewhat. Please note the usual Timidadian ‘Don’t click, just look away NOW’ warning. Enjoy.

             

Quote;  Napoleon Hill.

“It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.”

And Then, Inflation...

Foggy, cold and still isn’t it? I bet the grids on squeaky bottom time and they windmills must be really kicking out today round my way. Oh, right; not a breath. Never mind, they solar panels will pick-up the slack. No wot shining? Damn!

Before posting about the title, what’s to do regarding Brexit now? I accept I’m only a tad smarter than a rock and thus am completely lost on where we stand. One thing I have noticed from the news{?} today, is that those super intelligent folk wot are responsible for running the country and wot rule over us, have cancelled their February holidays, poor things, and it’s also suggested that the date we leave the EU could be cancelled owing to the huge amount of work to be done before we are ready to actually leave.

This begs the question, where have they been and what have they been doing since us common folk delivered the instruction for them to ensure we leave the EU? That instruction was duly delivered and accepted, in the same breath he announced he quit, some two and a half years ago, by boy Cummerbund. For two and a half years all the talk has been of ‘crashing out’ and ‘cliff edges’ and they’ve left it all to the last two months to sort all this out? And we’re expected to trust these folk with our country? Pease make it stop.

Anyhoo, a door handle failed this morning. I removed him and found it was the handle spring wot had parted. There are two doors in the sitting room with matching handles. Wot chance of finding a match after all these years? Off to the DIY mega store and first thing of notice was how scary it must be running one of these places; it’s truly huge and there can’t have been more than thirty folk in the place – and twenty of them were staff.

I found the isle for door furniture and after a quarter mile walk along it found the exact self same handles. Okay, I seem to remember that way back, they cost seven pounds a pair and are now nine. No big surprise there then.

Got them home and discovered they are indeed exactly the same. Except... Yup, the new ones are exactly an eight of an inch shorter thus throwing the lower screw positions out just enough to run the risk of a screw slip resulting in a big hole with no hold.

Got it done by utilizing the magic of plastic wood to reinforce the old holes but it’s interesting to see that it’s not only stuff such as cakes and biscuits that are getting smaller. Two pounds up and an eight of an inch down. Inflation and deflation; working hand-in-hand.

Quote;  Jacques Rueff.

“Inflation consists of subsidizing expenditures that give no returns with money that does not exist.”

And Then A Block...

Well, not exactly a block. It being a damp, cold, grey – is it okay to say grey? – day like wot it was today, I had a choice; plumbing or join in on those Friday of colour sales and go get a ‘bargain’ we don’t need with money we don’t have. Okay, plumbing it be then. It transpired to be the worst of the two bad choices available.

Over the past many days it’s become apparent that the kitchen sink wasn’t draining as quickly as it did/should. I tried a dose of that drain unblocking liquid and a hit with a plunger but this resulted in little improvement thus this morning I took the decision to remove the drain line ‘U’ bend below the sink.

I must say, these modern hand tight, ‘O’ ring compression fittings are a joy{?} to work with compared to the old fittings that needed a couple of Stillson wrenches requiring setting up again and again to get a tenth of a turn a time at best. Thus in moments the ‘U’ bend was free and the water contained therein carefully deposited in a pre-prepared receptacle which I then pushed well clear.  I took a look and it was indeed gunged-up with a goodly amount of very unpleasant looking gunge.

I transported said ‘U’ bend to the sink and started to clean it out with fast running water and that was the moment a little light came on in my swede and I spotted my deliberate mistake. I was washing the ‘U’ bend in the sink the ‘U’ bend belonged to. How dumb was that then? Damn! And looking at the mess I’d stupidly created, I wondered, not for the first time, how I’d managed to arrive at seventy something;  shortly, with luck, to be seventy something plus one.

Anyhoo, after a prolonged cleaning period, punctuated with lots of naughty words, I got it all screwed back together and he be draining just fine but I have to say not as fast as it drained without the ‘U’ bend.

Wot to do now?  While I’m at the top of my game, is there anything I need to be doing with  the mains electrickery? Am I nuts? I settled for continuing the load testing of the sofa in relative safety.

Quote;  Christopher Morley.

“A human being; an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.”

And Then, Another JD...

Job done? That would be the old shower tile grout out, dried off over night with the aid of that natty little fan heater set on low and the new grout pressed home and slicked off.

The downside to this? Telling my little nest of vipers there’ll be no showers for twenty four - and preferably forty eight – hours. That led me to recounting that over here, when I was a pup, Friday night was traditionally bath and hair wash night. I do, however, seem to remember for me it was Sunday so as to start the school week all scrubbed-up. You remember those days? When daddies were firmly in control of when, and for how long, the water emersion heater would be on? It was never on for long was it?

The upside to this? This will be the longest period she’s gone without a shower in her life thus she’s in a huge sulk but the accompanying sulky silence is bliss.

Quote;  Jerry Seinfeld.

“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

And Then It’s Back...

Well, so, a full day of global warming yesterday. Luckily I only caught it on the main TV news morning, lunch and evening as I was busy breaking-out old wall tile grout ready to re-grout. Let me tell you, that job is as about as soul destroying a job as you can give yourself. However, I’d started so pressed on and finished.**

With that warming thingy, I’m a tad confused. I stand corrected but I believe we started with a cooling panic, moved on to warming then switched to climate change so as to cover all bases. Now we’re back to warming? Seems these cleaver folk are predicting something like a two degree temperature rise by, what was it, 2030? That’s damn smart considering the temperature where I be has been fluctuating by  as much as ten degrees, plus or minus, almost daily.

What was obvious from wot I saw on the news was there wasn’t one – not one second spent by any of the ‘reporters’ daring to question the ‘something must be done NOW’ belief. I say again, these fellows seriously believe man, one step up from apes, allegedly, can control the climate of a big rock hurtling through space in close proximity to a huge fireball that’s continually changing its explosive nature and thus its heat output.

**Yes, I used the old method of scoring with a box cutter then using a screwdriver and a toffee hammer. No way I was going to play with an angle grinder as my eyes aren’t that sharp no more and the grout removal tools don’t get very good reviews on the whole. A thought; why don’t all these ‘climate scientists’ do something useful like coming up with a grout dissolving chemical? Wipe it on – wash it out. Oh the joy!  Next time? Seven pound hammer and new tiles. That’s if there is a next time of course...

Quote;  A. E. Samaan.

“The Earth is nothing but phlegm spat out by the Sun, and our immediate solar system a whirlwind of boulders. There is no ‘delicate balance’.”

And Then, She Builds...

Well, so, almost there with the DIY. Almost, just fun bits now. Surprisingly, the one job I was dreading, changing the kitchen taps, proved to be the easy, straight-forward job. So easy was it, I’m tempted to do it again. I might even hook-up the water this time...

Anyhoo, I see Mrs May-Do is in amongst the DIY stuff herself and is busy building a cabinet. May I offer a little advice Mrs May-Collapse? If, as I’m guessing, it’s an IKEA cabinet, please, please don’t bother trying to follow the instructions or you’ll find – too late - that you’ve built a rather large, left leaning, sickly, soggy sponge pudding.

Ignore the instructions and just trust to your instincts. However, please note that you’ll definitely be missing, at an absolute minimum, four critical dowel pins. I’ll also wager you’re going to end up with a cabinet that’s got a few screws loose. But, going by your past cabinet building debacles, you’ll be well aware of these pitfalls, right? Lessons learned an’ all that? Right?

Really, these folk are the best we have? And they have the neck to mock Trumpton? Ah shacks ma heed.

Quote;  From the long gone The Brains Trust.

“Chapter 56 verses 87–201 of The Corinthian Letters bear an uncanny resemblance to the instructions for assembling an IKEA pine double wardrobe.”

And Then, Beaten By Bristles...

So, I got back to, like, decorating a couple of days ago and, at a guess, I’d say I have four more weeks to go then it’ll just be the enjoyable fancy finishing touches. You know the touches I mean; sleeping in a bed with sheets on it again an’ stuff like that. On reflection, that time span would be about a week if I could tear myself away from the superb offerings on TV. Okay, should be snuffed-up in a week or two then.

Back to work and first rattle out o’ the box was the committing of a beginners cardinal sin. What are we taught the first time we pick up a paintbrush as a child? Irrespective of the price and quality of said brush? The lesson I forgot for the first time since I know not when? Always wash a new brush in warm water before pointing it at paint because, as sure as bristles is bristles, if you don’t then loose bristles will deposit themselves on your work. Paint – pick ‘em out – re-paint. Repeat. Damn. End result a nice job and a roughly painted bristly hand.

Never mind, it’ll soon be five and time for a cold one. Oh, hang on just a can popping moment...

          

Quote;  ??

“Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.”

And Then, By Magic...

Over the past many days of DIY I’ve noticed that one thing hasn’t changed over the years.

When decorating you always find areas, such as cracks, that need filling. Pardon? Yes, I know you filled them last time but there they are again asking to be filled.

Wot to do? Reach for a tub of that ready mixed filler of course. I can’t remember the name but I seem to think it has something to do with parrot food for some reason.

Anyhoo, gouge out the crack, clean out and apply the filler with the appropriate tool –then scrape off the excess to leave a smooth finish. So far, so what?  So this is where the magic kicks in.

All finished so retreat down the steps and turn to admire your work. This is when you spot a spot of filler sitting slightly proud so up the steps you go, lick the tip of your forefinger and carefully smooth the offending protrusion down then once more climb down to floor level, look up and all looks good so you reach for your rag to wipe your forefinger tip. This is the point you realize that, although only the tip of one finger was involved in the dabbing of a minute mound of filler, the filler has magically coated every finger and the palms and backs of both hands. How does it do that?

It’s also interesting to note that the filler applied to the required repair area will take several hours to dry whereas any filler coming into contact with human skin instantaneously goes rock-hard.

Later, in the shower, you find your toes are also liberally coated. That stuff is truly magical.

Quote;  Robert M. Hutchins.

“This is a do-it-yourself test for paranoia: you know you've got it when you can't think of anything that's your fault.”

And Then Two To The Right...

I’m taking a couple of days rest from the decorating. Having said that, the wallpaper, room one, is finally up and, although I say so myself, it do look pretty average...

Well, so, why the rest? I hurt is why. Why? Well, you know when you’re lying a-bed in a somewhat restless sleep fretting about what needs doing come dawn and you tend to lie on your back then you turn to the left then back, then to the right then back again, then back to the left and so on and so forth, right? This is okay as long as your brain takes care of the synchronisation for your sleeping body. Sadly, at about four this AM, for reasons not yet fully understood, I lost sync and took two rapid rights in succession resulting in tipping myself out o’ bed.

No big deal other than whacking my head on the bedside draws. Once I’d landed I carefully probed my skull for damage and discovered my hand was sticky. I scrambled for the light and found I’d taken all the skin off the back of my right hand on a draw handle as I’d rapidly passed by on my way down – as neat as skinning a fish. Head found to be sound but somewhat lumpy – hand a right mess.

I was able to put my paper fitting skills to good use and managed to roll the skin roughly back into place. I didn’t bother with paste, I just waited ‘till the local pharmacy opened and got me a bunch of large breathable plasters. And I do mean large.

While waiting for the pharmacy to open I took aspirin for the headache and discovered another use for frozen sweet potato fries. I held a sack of ‘em on my head for half an hour to help reduce the egg sized swelling. Somewhat.

Thus the rest period.

Quote;  Dejan Stojanovic.

“Accidents are not accidents but precise arrivals at the wrong right time.”

And Then, A Lesson...

Posting will be spasmodic at best for a while longer as the paperhanging is progressing as well as can be expected, it being conducted by a geriatric gentleman of diminishing measuring and cutting correctly abilities. And why won’t those damn paper edges take past like they did in the past?

Other than that, early doors today I caught the BBC hyperventilating at the news of a Democrat win in the States. This was, of course, reported as a huge setback for Trumpton who’s days surely must now be numbered.

Interestingly, I had my knowledge of geography tested when the BBC fellow on the World Service breathlessly stated the election had been held in Alabarmer. I have to admit I’d always thought it was Alabama but he was a BBC chap so it must be right, right?

The mention of Alabama... sorry, Alabarmer, reminded me that tucked away on my history drive I had an old photo of a group of Alabama... sorry, Alabarmer hunting dogs. Seek and ye shall find. With apologies to the residents of Ala-whatever.

                      

I must away to prepare paste for the morrow. Bu-by.

Quote;  Thomas Jefferson.

“The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.”

And Then A Lack Of Guidance...

Into the bedroom and double checked the kit for stripping the old wallpaper. Step ladder, brush, bucket containing water with a dash of washing-up liquid and a scraper. Pre job safety meeting held with myself at which time I agreed with me to attempt not to hurt myself.

Okay, let’s go. Soak the first wall and start. Top pattern paper off, re-soak the backing paper and scrape. And that is when I stopped, looked around, went downstairs and pulled every bit of documentation that came with the steps, the brush, the bucket and the scraper. Having gone through a total of eight hundred pages of data and health and safety information relating to the above kit, washing-up liquid included, I found absolutely no warning that scraping old wallpaper, wet thus reactivating the adhesive, would make such a mess of unimaginable proportions.

I’m now sitting here figuring out who to make a claim against first as this is obviously down to the manufacturers of the kit and their total dereliction of duty relating to the care of the perpetually stupid.

Hay, that’s how it works these days, right?

Finally, here’s another top Foggy tip if you’re planning on doing this stripping thingy yourself:
The bucket of water? If using a regular sized bucket, place no more than an absolute maximum of one inch of water therein as regardless of the amount of water you put in your bucket eventually you’ll step backwards and kick the bucket, as it were, over and, trust me on this, one inch of spilled water is so much quicker and easier to clean up in a hurry than a full, half, quarter or whatever bucket load. Again, no guidance on this came with the copious bucket documentation...

Quote;  George Carlin.

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

            Harlan Ellison.

“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.”

And Then, That Is That...

Wot is wot then? That would be the ceiling skim plastering job I was dreading. All done and looking good. Just need to let it dry for a week or couple then paint and that’ll be JD.

The preparation, important, was a long messy process as there were two layers of a paper much loved by my generation - wood chip, interspersed with years of coatings of emulsion and gloss paint and by the time that lot came off the original plaster surface was a mess thus the need for a skim.

After the prep work and weighing-up the skim job it went amazingly trouble free. I got a proper plasterer in and wot it cost, surprisingly not too much at all, was a gift compared to the pain and heartache I’d have inflicted upon myself attempting, at my age, to do it myself. And four hours for a smooth ceiling done by a professional compared to four weeks of lumpy misery for me; no contest.

Moving on to strip and re-paper the big bedroom next. I can do that. Paper hanging can be quite a relaxing and satisfying task. Can be. On the other hand...

By-the-by Mrs May-Day, it would seem you also enjoy a bit o’ do it yourself. However, it’s a mystery to us folk down here as to what exactly it is you’re attempting to do. Tell you wot, you hang wallpaper while them from down the pub sort the country out. Judging by how you’re getting on, I’m betting the pub ‘politicians’  could get the country sorted satisfactorily before you even got the paper picked.

Quote;  Ze Frank.

“Having someone do certain things for you is like getting someone to chew your food for you. It might be easier to swallow but it loses all its flavour... And you want the flavour!”

And Then, I Make Ready...

Not long now and I’ll be starting a task that’s been on my top priority list for, wot, six years now? I’ll pass-on the full horror story when it’s over. That may be a while as, owing to the nature of the job, I plan to take it in bite sized chunks. Softly softly catchy monkey as they say. Or used to say as I’m guessing it’s on the forbidden list now as the WWF probably see it as discriminatory to monkey's. I’m still waiting for the veggie Twitter storm demanding the public burning of all kids nursery rhyme books containing This Little Piggy Went To Market. It must be coming as we are truly ruled by loud voiced minority groups now.

As for all the Westminster talky, kissy, touchy stuffy that’s filling the ‘news’ just now, I have little to no interest other than to wonder, not for the first time, when this country and the majority of its indigenous population actually had the backbone ripped out of it. Never mind, there’s always Sponge Bob Square Pants who, strangely, seems to have a better grasp on reality than our ‘leaders’ and the MSM. Wot’s really going on behind the ‘scandal’ curtain then?

Just heard the TV weatherman tell me that tomorrow will be, and I quote; “Largely Dryly.” Ah shacks ma heed.

Quote;  Monty Halls.

“I swiftly discovered that there are few things in DIY (and possibly life) that can't be solved with a large mallet, a bag of ten-centimetre nails and some swearing.”

And Then, To Work...

It’s been quiet as I’ve been organising my little nest of vipers trip to far, far, far away to visit family and  also planning a couple of major projects in the house that I’ll get done while she’s away. It’s so much easier when alone and  without the constant, “Why are you doing...” - “Why don’t you...” – “Why didn’t you...” and so on and so forth.

Anyhoo, as before, if you’re an amateur day trader or occasional dabbler, may I humbly suggest a buy punt on any, possibly all, fast food chains from burger joints to the ‘healthy’ subway folk. And let’s not forget frozen food halls.

While on the subject of frozen food, I mentioned a goodly while ago that I’d ‘discovered’ potato wedges, as opposed to old fashioned chips, seasoned with black pepper and sea salt. Well, while meandering round one such store recently, and after negotiating the two aisles of twenty plus display chests showcasing products clearly illustrating the thousand and one things you can do with a dead chicken, I came to the chip chest. Whoa! What have we here? Sweet potato fries? Got to try ‘em so got me a bag. Oven cook? If you wish I guess, but I go for the healthy deep fry option. There’s no going back now and wedges have suddenly become so, like, last year. Man they’re good and very kind on old teeth – or tooth dependant on your present configuration.

Quote;  J. A. Konrath.

“Sorry to hear about your Dad."
He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."
"Heart attack?"
"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.”