I first found, and shamelessly copied, wot’s below way back in 2007. 2007? Man, a lot of words have dribbled through the Foggy Mirror since then eh? Some of ‘em even link together to make sense. Since those far off days, I’ve discovered the author is one Hugh Gallagher. Big thankyou for the fun.
Spookily, along with this post, I see in the news that university professors and tutors are now saying it could be too dangerous to open their doors to students because of reasons. So there you have it; some of the finest minds in the land, knowing all there is to know regards this bug since March or April, are, at the eleventh hour, still at a loss as to how to do that teaching thingy they’re handsomely rewarded to do, owing to a flue bug.
Anyhoo, for those poor little things fretting about university places, read – if you can – wot’s below and if your iPhone shaped heads contain any form of free thinking imagination, try putting one together yourself.
Note To Students: To conform with these weird times, please keep punctuation and capitalisation to the bare minimum so as to minimise the chance of causing mental distress to others. The word ‘awesome’ should not be used more than twenty times in-all and the word ‘like’ no more that ten times per paragraph. Look in your text books... sorry, on your iPhone for the meaning and use of paragraphs.
3A. ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single headedly defended a small village in the Amazon from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 sec. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prize winning clams.
I have won bullfights in Spain, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to this University.
Quote; Steven Wright.
“What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?”
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