And Then Shopping…

   After a look at the ‘news’ to check wot I need to be terrified about for the next twenty-four hours, we ventured out earlyish AM to a supermarket and something I’ve been aware of for a goodly while was apparent in spades this visit.
   Most visits, as y’all know, involve the occasional ally way jams involving customers with trollies travelling in opposite directions trying to get round a staff member with a jolly big truck restocking shelves.
Wot I see more and more now is that along with the shelf stacker is very many members of staff with a scanner and a big trolley loaded with baskets. This is obviously collecting online orders ready for delivery. So far so wot? Well - as they say - is this also another drip-drip towards that cashless world? How long before it’s all online and supermarkets close their doors to shoppers and become just warehouses? Not too long I’m guessing. Thus we also edge a tad closer to ‘our’ fifteen minute living areas when the only traffic permitted to venture out of and into all zones will be the odd bus and delivery trucks.
   Online shopping? I do very little and having said that, this morning, before the shopping trolley challenge, I went online and ordered a new tablet cover. Upon paying and getting details, I noted delivery will be before ten tomorrow morning. Now I know why barely an hour passes without seeing an Amazon delivery truck zipping up or down the road.

Quote; Cynthia Nelms.

“If men liked shopping, they'd call it research.”

And Then We’ll Boil...

   ...or freeze, I get a tad lost in the direction the climate is taking owing to our reckless human activity, owing to him wot would rule over us easing his foot off the accelerator a tad on our/his speedy journey towards net zero - or as us down here know it, net winter warmth and net car. It’s amazing to see the MSM can only find climate cultists to offer hysterically screeching end of times comments regards these minor delays on the road to misery. That would be our misery, not for those up there of course.
    Anyhoo, giving that no never mind, a little shopping this morning found us popping into one of that supposedly posh supermarket chains places for yet another example of the direction of travel we’re all now on.
    Since our last visit I noted they’d installed ten self service checkout points. Guess wot? Not one that will take money. All only take card and, new to me, phone payments. So we moved on to another chain and found ourselves at a manned, sorry, lady manned cash-out thingy but stuck behind a fellow attempting to pay using his phone. This is true, it took him fifteen minutes to make a twelve pound payment.
    We paid and I glanced back to see a quite considerable queue and noted many more had their phone at the ready. Wot’s that all about then? Looks like folk wot lose their phone these days is akin to us old folk losing our wallet in those days. If I ever find a smartphone on my ambles I’d be tempted to attempt a mega shop with it. Just do wot I’ve seen others do and that would be to keep tapping the screen and pointing it at the till until the till goes ‘ting’...

Quote; Jakub Bożydar Wiśniewski.

“Interventionism inevitably leads to socialism, central banking inevitably leads to hyperinflation, total cashlessness inevitably leads to total surveillance, and "guaranteed income" inevitably leads to guaranteed enslavement. A deadly poison remains a deadly poison even when ingested in a gradual manner.”

And Then A Reminder...

   Just a quick follow-up on yesterdays post regards Peloton and a possible buyout by Amazon, I’d just like to remind Jeff not to forget where he got the idea from; assuming electrickery generation is the long game.
   Say wot now Jeff? You don’t know who I be? Oh, come on, of course you know who I be. I’ve made two purchases from your site; two ten inch tablet covers, remember? Of course you do. Really, get real Jeff, how many folk make two purchases from your site in the ridiculously short space of six years?
   Anyhoo, remember y‘all, ain’t nothin’ free.
Timidadian warning; naughty content ahead.

        

Quote;  Tommy Cooper.

“I went window shopping today. I bought four windows.”

And Then, No Contact...

Popped out to a shop this AM. Nothing essential, but the store was strangely open.

Browsed the shelves, found wot I wanted and prepared to the counter. The nice lady scanned the item then looked with disgust at my hand holding a small assortments of notes and coin of the realm.
”We aren’t taking money. Is that a problem?” I thought about that and replied, “Hell no. And may I congratulate your store for helping out the elderly in this way during these dark days.”
I watched the nice lady closely as the lights slowly went out and her eyes became a little foggy. Then, rather quickly, she found her master switch and her lights lit-up again. “No, I mean you have to pay by card.”

And that was yet another first for me as it was that contactless thingy. Boy, is that scary or wot? Even as I was doing it – and it’s a blink of an eye operation – I was thinking I need to check Amazon for a lead lined card holder as I can just imagine all the bad boys, hanging about shop queues an’ such, with contactless card reading kit secreted about the voluminous folds of their hoodies, harvesting card data. Or do I need to get that foil hat out again?

Anyhoo, so there you go; softly, softly, killing off cash.

Quote;  Joseph Addison.

“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.”

And Then, Another Ripper...

Clarification from the good Ripper below. Yes my friend, I did know wot you were getting at and did understand the fact it wasn’t about me, me, me. This time...

As for the botty washer, it was primarily for my little nest of vipers and she’s never complained of the cold. Having said that, the pipework runs alongside the radiator pipework so with that and room heat on mainly non moving water I’m guessing the chill is taken out of the initial blast. However, as I discovered from a plumber – here on another mission – they couldn’t fit the kit as I had as the regulations state the fitting and flow needs to be temperature controlled. I’m happy to say that, up to time of typing, I haven’t had a two in the morning bang on the door from the Plumbing Appliance Regulations Enforcement Agency.

I do recommend a click on the Zero Hedge link down the way by the way:

   The first thing I want to make clear Mac, is that I was talking about the folks you describe - the ones with the 4x4 and not only 2 trolleys, but the missus has two as well. People like yourself and the elderly who are at high risk (not from the fake virus, but starvation) need to have priority. Some of our local supermarkets have 1 hour sessions for the elderly and NHS workers, but they still face empty shelves. This from OldRightie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJ3dz4K27Gw&feature=emb_logo
   To add to that, my daughter is a senior staff nurse at the hospital, and she tells me that these low life scum have been stealing bottles of hand sanitizer from the beds in the wards.
   I'm calling it a fake virus - that isn't entirely true. There is a virus but the fake part is the scaremongering by a few organizations through the media. It is this that has panicked the sheep and it has been intentional. Wherever you look for information, certain names crop up constantly - Event 201 (check that one out), The John Hopkins Centre, The WHO, Bill Gates. Its not the virus that's being used against ordinary people, but the FEAR of the virus. Its all about control.
 https://www.zerohedge.com/health/six-reasons-why-covid-19-fails-sniff-test
   As for the ringpiece washer, the bathroom and toilet are now done, besides there's no way I'm going to do that with freezing cold water. The shower is equipped with much the same thing. My parents had a much better idea and that was wash cloths. I haven't run out of loo roll just yet but when I do I'll just go Victorian. I can do that - I grew up in my grandmother's house with no electricity and gas lighting. We didn't use toilet roll at all, just as my kids never had expensive disposable nappies. But I digress - I am beginning to enter the world of Monty Python's Yorkshiremen.

And so here they are;

          

Finally, farewell Kenny and thanks for all the songs.

           

Quote;  Terry Pratchett.

“He didn't administer a reign of terror, just the occasional light shower.”

And Then, Humbly...

Firstly, I had to adjust last nights post as something went a tad out the window with the Moody Blues bit of a quote. Seems okay now – sorry about that. Now please find below a comment on said post by the good Ripper and to which I must clarify my/our shopping. Wot we’d get for a week we got to cover four weeks as I’m over seventy, have suffered a ticker attack – henceforth known here as a tick-a-tack as I believe Tic-Tac has already been taken  - all of which puts me on the endangered species list and liable to be put into house arrest anytime blink.

I don't take such a kind view towards those swarms of locusts, for that's what they are, selfish morons, who have stripped the shops bare and are probably selling the goods on ebay at a profit.
   Meanwhile me and a few thousand others have been told not to turn up to work until the 30th, and to add insult to injury, face the prospect of having to wipe our arses on a sock. That's if we don't die of starvation first whilst trying to buy food.
   When all this is over, there's going to be a lot of fools with bog roll stacked up to the ceiling and no hope of getting rid of it or using it up inside the next 30 years. And to those who took all the kitchen roll when the bog rolls were gone, I'd say you'd better save a few grand for the plumber, at £530 per call out when the bog blocks up... oh, and I hope you all drown in raw sewage.
   Want to find out what its all about? Have a read of the following links... Refer to the comment for those links.

And yes, we were too late for bog rolls but when I threw in the new bathroom a few years ago, I installed a bottom washing shower at the toilet. Worth considering Ripper while you’re doing that work on the house. Just a ‘T’ with stopcock on the cistern inlet, a short shower hose with a douche handheld mini showerhead and Bob’s your botty.

Anyhoo, basically, I agree with all Ripper types but we must remember we are the descendants of hunter gathers so our brains could well be wired at the back to do the modern day equivalent of seeing food on the hoof or there for gathering so the modern day equivalent kicks-in and we start collecting for our tribe with nary a thought for the tribe across the valley.

This instinct may well be buried in the back of our brains but the way the media have been sensationalizing this cough with views of empty shelves, then  cutting to the deserted streets of a city not too far away accompanied by scary words such as ‘...in total lockdown and we may only be days away from the same here...’ then it’s little wonder folk are overdoing the shop. The media; calm it down and ramp it up.

Add to that the schools closing, thus many hundreds of thousands of households facing the filling of many more tummies every lunchtime for who knows how long, and you’ve generated the perfect storm for yet more hysterical shopping.

I did notice a few young fellows pushing a full trolley - while pulling an equally full trolley - towards their four by fours and you just knew all that stuff was heading to the shelves of that nice Mr Patel’s corner shop to be marked up at obscenely inflated prices.

Next step? Who knows but with the bank rate now just one tick above zero, keep a wary eye on your bank...

Quote;  William S. Burroughs.

“Most of the trouble in this world has been caused by folks who can't mind their own business, because they have no business of their own to mind, any more than a smallpox virus has.” 

And Then A Quick Rejoinder...

Will you look at this; I’m here again. The reason being to type about something I’m betting you’ve noticed that’s crept into the shopping experience – other than parking the car – and that would be? You buy something, pay, receive any change due and a receipt. Then you’re asked for your E-mail address so the store can mail you your receipt. That would be a copy of the hard copy of the receipt you’ve just been handed. I wonder how many folk actually go along with this little bit o’ data harvesting.

That sprang to mind owing to my ongoing health thingy. While in hospital they wouldn’t give me a pill without first asking me my date of birth. In fact they wouldn’t let me out of hospital before I supplied said information.

This continues with every visit to a doctor, nurse or pharmacist, with the occasional addition of second or first or all names.

The new one is the pharmacist asking for an address and this is where the rejoinder comes in. Just a little mood lightening I formulated on the way for the latest med collection and goes something like this;
Pharmacist, “Here’s your meds. Oh, address?”
Me, “Whoa! I didn’t know you could get a dress on the NHS! No wonder they’re in deep financial do-do. I’ll pass on the dress. However, a pair of trousers... No? Oh. Bu-by.”

I had another at a burger joint a few days ago where an attractive young lady was mentoring an equally attractive young lady. We worked our way through all the permutations involved in purchasing a burger and finally got to the last question;
Burger girls, “Take out?”
Me, “That’s a lovely idea but the wife would go ballistic.”

Quote;  Oscar Wilde.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

And Then, They Open Again...

Boxing day, shops open again and off my little nest of vipers rushes, me in tow, to see if there have been any innovative advances in colander technology during the twenty-four hour store shutdown. Sadly, it seems not. They’re still basically bowls with holes so she’s presently sitting at her end of the sofa in blissful silence.

Finally, where’s Caratacus? It’s not like him to miss popping through the Mirror over Christmas. Has he just had enough of this silly site? Was it something I typed that he’s taken offence to? As strange as this may sound, I do hope so as any alternative thoughts regarding his no-show here at this time of year could lead to becoming a tad too gloomy to contemplate.

Quote;  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“People take different roads seeking fulfilment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've got lost.”

And Then Cashing In...

This morning, us not having anything planned, my little nest of vipers suggested we visit a rather large Sunday market wot’s not too far from where I’m sitting now. It being a grey, drizzly kind o’ day best suited for fire front duty, off we went. As you do.

The first clue something was amiss was when we rolled-up and the queue to enter the market was all crawl from a couple of miles up the main road. We crawled along, turned into the approach to the car park and finally found the cause of the delay. Hay, it’s the second of December, right? So it’s not a Sunday market with free parking now; it’s a Christmas market and thus a festive pound a pop car parking fee.

You know wot? They must’ve made a bomb – no Christmas market pun{?} intended -  as the car park and thus the market, was absolutely heaving. The main attraction, as seems common with these types of markets, being the big truck hosting the meat auction. Man, that guy was moving some meat.

After about an hour and being unable to locate anything remotely festive, other than our parking ticket, we left having purchased absolutely nothing except for four hot, sugar laden doughnuts.  Four of which I did eat all on my own and by myself...

Quote;  Tom Vanderbilt.

“The way humans hunt for parking and the way animals hunt for food are not as different as you might think.”

And Then, Stockpile...

Out and about today and we visited one of they huge places known as garden centres. Those places that seem to sell everything but you have to hunt to find garden stuff.

Anyhoo, their Christmas ‘attraction’ is now in full swing with phony  Dickensian shop fronts, reindeers and sleighs, plastic snow and a million little twinkly lights. And full of folk. This led to a short exchange with the young lady cash register operative as we left.
”Excuse me; we found your Christmas display and all things festive but could you please tell us where your Easter display’s located?” 
This elicited a blank look of total blankness accompanied by an almost audible whooshing sound from way up there. As her hand moved towards the store phone, probably to ask her manager for assistance – or possibly to summons security – I told her not to worry and we’d pop back in a couple of weeks.

All this got me thinking of that Brexit thingy and a favourite scare of the MSM. Firms frantically taking on any and all warehousing so as to stockpile stuff as they are scared their supply pipelines will freeze-up. Yo, good captains of industry, fear not. Read on.

Christmas is wot, four weeks away? You seen the supermarkets? Masses of folk stockpiling already in preparation for the one day all the shops will be shut. With the possible exception of that Pakanasty fellows corner store. So all those industries getting nervous regarding supply lines, just have a few average Brit shoppers on standby and in the unlikely event you get word that there maybe supply disruption in about a months time, just send ‘em out with a list of your requirements and I’ll guarantee they’ll be back in a week with triple your needs. Just in case. Shortages some time in the future just shouldn’t phase anyone.

Quote;  Erma Bombeck.

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”

And Then The High Street...

I note with boredom that the Hammond organ is going to attempt to help small retailers and thus ‘rescue’ the high street. Good luck with that.

It’s well noted that the large department stores are in their death throws. I also note that when ever I bob into one of they well known DIY mega stores it seems only a handful of fellow shoppers are in there. How long they’ll survive in their current form with those huge stock inventories is anyone’s guess. They even did away with that Wednesday, everything ten percent off for old folk deal. Now that used to be a busy day.

All online right? This has one downside if you’re the only pensioner on the street as the delivery drivers pretty quickly sus who will be home when the correct recipient is out and thus it seems we have become an Amazon delivery hub – or tributary? No big deal but there are evenings when we have a queue at the door like a queue at a post office. What has never worked is when I present Donny down the road with his package and say, “Oh, there was nine pounds ninety-nine delivery I had to pay.” is to be offered anything other than a wide smile.

Quote;  Elanyne Booster.

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

And Then An App Ramble...

I’ll start this ramble in a large popular UK supermarket with a sad old guy rambling up and down the isles in search of some sort of parsley sauce mix.

Time passed and the old guy was no nearer locating the product when he came upon a member of the store staff who he politely enquired down which of the multitude of isles he may locate said parsley sauce mix. This question elicited the concise reply, “Errr...” and thus the search continued in tandem.

Time passed and the product was finally located. This got the old guy thinking. And hear I must interrupt the tale to  point out the fact that the old guy was – and happily still is – me. So, coupling the word ‘thinking’ and ‘me’ will prepare you for wot comes next.

In this super connected word, why doesn’t some enterprising application writer come up with something that, when you enter a supermarket, you just reach for your smartphone, fire-up the app, enter name of supermarket chain, the post code of the branch you’re in then type in the kit you’re looking for and let the app tell you the number or letter of the isle you need to head for?

Hell, I believe you can search for they Poko thingies in parks with a phone and a game app so why not parsley sauce mix in a big shop? How about a guide map? How about spoken directions? “Proceed ahead and then take the first isle on the left being careful to avoid the old lady ahead who doesn’t have this app and is frantically searching for anti-flatulence medication.” 
Thank you and bu-by.

Quote;  Ashley Jensen.

“I've reached a point in my life where going to the supermarket is a day out.”

And Then Another Ban...

I’m kind of relieved to see the government is considering banning something else as I was starting to think they’d lost interest in the ‘ban’ game. The new ban? A ‘study’ suggests that the sale of ‘Energy’ drinks should be banned to kids and teens. Parental control? Hell no, just introduce a ban that’ll never work but signal governmental virtue; that’ll work.

One of the arguments for the ban put forward was the amount of sugar in those drinks and the long running fight against child obesity. Interestingly, another recent ‘study’ says that a huge number of ‘families’ can’t afford to feed their kids during school holidays. These study buddies need to get together and thrash out a single  cover-all ‘study’ to sell don’t they?

So wot can we expect when the schools open after the summer holidays? Hoards of hyper active kids, built like racing snakes, screeching along the roads to school? 

I note that in the link some MP talks of a families belief that their sons intake of fifteen cans a day contributed to him sadly taking his own life. I would humbly suggest that at fifteen cans a day at one pound fifty plus a pop, the guy was more worried about his financial situation than his energy level.

Anyhoo, the government’s never going to give up and leave us alone is it? Why don’t they just make an end to it and ban everything and start over? Close all the pubs, that would be the few still open, restaurants, fast food outlets and mandate that all retail outlets only sell the food and drink the government has approved as ‘safe and healthy’. Of course those working in any official governmental capacity would have their own shops; but that’s only common sense.

Quote;  Conan O’Brien.

“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there’s lots of opposition from the plumber's union.”

And Then A Head Shaker...

In and out today as I’m exhausted owing to an extensive protracted period of priority shopping. For what? Not sure you’ll believe me and I’m struggling to accept wot I’ve just been subjected too myself.

Many miles travelled, many stores visited until my little nest of vipers found the exact one she wanted. Now to me, the chosen one looked – and exhibited exactly the same set of characteristics - as the very first one she minutely inspected and rejected at the start of her quest.

Okay, here’s the kicker. We’ve spent the best part of a day purchasing a tin opener. An ordinary, run of the mill, manual tin opener. Damn! And yet another kicker? This is to replace the one in the draw we’ve had for ten years which, at time of last inspection, is showing absolutely no sign of damage or any indications that it may be close to the point of wearing out. To put it bluntly, blunt it is not. It still cuts cans. But hay, today she had a desperate need to be the owner of two tin openers.

I’m not even going to mention that ninety nine percent of cans now come with ring pulls...

Me ‘ead ‘urts.

Grandad, as per your comment, here’s a very short list to start with. Hell of a challenge but immensely interesting and great fun to be had. The search is on for the definitive list!

Quote;  Dolly Parton.

“My first phone was two tin cans tied together with string, and it worked pretty good.”

And Then, Another Shopping Smile...

Did a little shopping today in preparation for the return to the nest of my little viper and while toiling along a street full of shops, it was no surprise to see so many not full but empty. However, amongst all the deserted properties I stumbled into a bakery type shop and noticed a really big sign behind the counter advertising hot sandwiches with the interesting rider that they’d build one to your wishes.
A bored looking assistant approached and asked thus; “Good morning sir, what would you like?” I bit my tong regarding being addressed as ‘sir’. How very dare she assume I’m identifying as a fellow today! Anyhoo, I hid my hurt feelings and continued thus; 
”I see from your signage that you can build anything I’d like.”
”That we can good sir.” Damn! Sir again. And she assumes I’m good? What can I do? I’m so far from my safe space! I counted to ten, regained my composure and proceed thus;
”In that case I’d like you to build me a double wardrobe in the late Edwardian style please.” This got the expected laughter from the young serving person dressed as a lady, her colleague further down the counter similarly attired and two other customers cleverly outfitted as one of each.

The mirth was soon forgotten and moments later I was in possession of the biggest bread bun I’ve ever seen wherein  resided a nutritional and vitamin rich collection of fried bacon, sausages, eggs, tomatoes, a hash brown  and onions. Upon leaving I opined how rubbish us men are at shopping as I originally came in for a double wardrobe and I’m leaving with a mega, heart stopping brunch bun and no wardrobe. Happy chuckles and the door hit me on the ass as I left.

Quote;  Elayne Boosler.

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”

And Then, Too Fast...

As my mammoth list of DIY projects has pretty much come to a welcome end, a comment I spotted many days ago clicked my memory trigger and I thought I’d type it here - with just a tad of embellishment. Thank you originator, whoever you are. It brightened my DIY day.

In line with modern PC conditions, may I stress the fact that this is NOT a true story. It never happened. It’s a bit of fun, Okay? Sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin:

I was in a store the other day when this big guy, dressed in orange, bound up to me, got in my face and said, “Hay, you want decking?” and what followed happened in a flash.

I thought, “Whoa!! Me or him?” and instantly brought my forehead down, fast and hard, onto his nose while simultaneously bringing my knee swiftly and forcefully up into his nether region.*

With his nose freely flowing with blood and his hands clutching the folds of his outer garments in the region wherein resided his dangly bits, he collapsed in a heap. I quickly scanned my immediate surroundings for any witnesses or CCTV and headed off for the exit at speed. It was then I remembered I was in the garden department at B & Q...

This bit from here on is true. I was in B & Q a week or so ago and found wot I wanted but needed to clarify something. I spotted a collection of staff behind the Information counter so headed on over. As I approached they paused from their morning meeting and looked my way. I opened with a phrase I’ve used on numerous occasions and which never fails to produce an initial look of confusion and concern that’s quickly followed by broad smiles.
“Good morning. You’re probably wondering why I’ve asked you all here today...” 
And once again, the reaction didn’t disappoint. Happy daze for one and all.

*As mentioned before, it’s critical when performing this manoeuvre that you only bring one knee up at any one time. Do NOT try lifting both knees simultaneously. It can’t be done. It may look and feel like we’re all living in a cartoon, a cartoon that gets more cartoonish with every passing day, but you still can’t replicate those Kung-Foo Pander moves. That’s pretend – this, sadly, is real.

Quote;  Michael Friedman.

”The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is ‘lunch’.”

And Then A Little In-store Fun.

Today, in preparation for a task, I had cause to pop into one of they DIY type shops. Not the big ones but one of they tool station {there’s a clue} type stores you find tucked away on industrial and warehousing estates. Those stores that, as soon as you pay, ‘need’ your address and E-mail address.
At the time, I was the sole customer confronted by three staff comprising a young fellow, a very pretty young lady of colour and an older guy who’s chest pin informed me he was the manager and they were all eager to serve me.

“Do you sell disposable overshoes?” I politely enquired.
”That we do. How many would you like?” Came the reply.
”None, I’m just doing a survey of all the outlets round here to see who does sell ‘em.”
At this, the pretty young lady of colour took their catalogue from a pile and started. “We’ve got drills an’ sanders an’ saws...” I relented and placed my order for overshoes and thought the time was ripe for the old{?} joke.
”I got an E-mail from Screwfix Direct this morning....” and the mention of the competition drew groans from all behind the counter. “...thanking me for my enquiry but stating they weren’t a dating service.” I expected smiles but wot I got was three folk exploding in laughter. Eventually the overshoes arrived, I proffered my coin and the manager chap said with a big smile and a wink, “After that, she’s going to ask for your address.”
That she did, grinning from ear to ear.

Finally, all done, I bade farewell, turned and headed for the door and it was then I heard the pretty young lady of colour say something. I turned sharply to see three smiling faces and asked excitedly, “I’m sorry; what did you just say?” the pretty young lady of colour held up a catalogue and said, “I said do you want a book.”
”Oh, right. No thanks.” And so I moved on to the sound of happy laughter.

Quote;  Bo Derek.

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”

And Then, Shop Again...

As regular, and indeed irregular** readers will no doubt have noticed I do like to look for any opportunity to lighten the burden of everyday shopping and today was no exception.

I was excitedly shopping for lemons for her indoors. I’d found the required item and was meandering my way to the checkout when I chanced to pass an elderly lady asking a box toting store manager looking chap where the cling film was located.
”Certainly madam. It’s right here.” He said, politely shuffling the old girl along six inches.

With an opportunity offered to heighten yet further the exciting task of purchasing lemons, I tapped the chap on the shoulder and enquired where I could find the cling film. His eyes did indeed roll to the top of their sockets as he jabbed a finger at the film. He laughed when he saw me laughing and we joined in jolly shopping banter as we moved on down the store. 

Eventually he stopped and, strangely after discussing how dumb some  folk are, announced he’d forgotten where he was bound with his box.

I finally made it to the checkout and placed my solitary bag o’ lemons on the conveyor. I was next with one other customer behind me. Stuff checked, price agreed, money presented, change and receipt received I bade the checkout girl a cheery farewell and strode away towards the exit. 
“Excuse me!” The girl called loudly after me, “You forgot your lemons.”  Damn!

So there you go. Be careful poking fun at dumb folk as your turn to be dumb and poked is just a heartbeat away.

**If  you do happen to be an irregular reader, may I suggest a quick trip to your local pharmacist? They should be able to recommend something available over the counter to get you regular again.

Quote;  Richard Feynman.

“I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.”

And Then, It’s Windmills...

About this time last year I believe I mentioned that crows had been nibbling my cherries. At that time I mentioned to her indoors that kids little sandcastle windmills tied in the tree might deter them to some extent and that was that. Back to the sofa for the winter.

However, it seems this idea lodged in her head, and I’m amazed there’s room, and resulted, after our latest ‘hobby’ trip to a pound store, in us becoming the proud owners of eight brightly coloured kids windmills. No further colanders; just windmills.

Upon assembling said windmills shortly later, it quickly became obvious they wouldn’t be providing us with any electrickery but may, just may, give those feathered felons pause for thought.

These we, I say ‘we’ but you know what I mean, placed strategically and securely  in the fruit trees, as she’d also noted birds were now nipping at the apples and pears. It was all too late for the cherries as, sadly, they went in a couple of sittings some time ago.

That was what, three days ago and just in time for those forecast gales which, peaking round our way at fifteen mph, completely destroyed her windmills overnight. She’s now going back to the drawing board to prepare for next year. I await her plan with some trepidation.

As for the colanders, the number in our possession remains the same with just the original colander in occasional use, as her interest in acquiring new ones seems to have waned. On the bright side, these colanders could well be the antiques of the future and hers will surely, come the time, demand a premium as they’re in pristine, ‘as new’, condition and still have those little barcode sticker thingies stuck firmly in place. I need to see if we still have the till receipt as further provenance...

Quote;  Brian O’Driscoll.

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”

And Then A Refinement...

Further to yesterdays post, may I offer refinements to the idea of UAUT and  a little look a tad further into the future.

A method will be required to simplify the management of VAT and UAUT so lets just lump VAT and UAUT into one item; VATUAUT - trips off the tongue does it not? This will make it easy to administer and, spookily, the businesses own bit, UAUT, will be just marginally higher than the government VAT bit - to cover administration costs you understand. Shops win, win; doubles all round!!

With advances in technology, we may one day see the introduction of some form of scanner, at the entrances to all shops and stores, that scans for the presence of any smoking or vaping materials concealed about the voluminous folds of our outer garments, traces of tobacco on breath and/or the lingering odour on clothing, and trigger a significantly higher UAUT rate on those bad, bad folk.

As for snowflake safe spaces, there’s a way to alleviate the need for store management to provide these spaces and also increase profits by maximising check-out and till throughput speed. How? Well, install turnstiles at entry points. So? So, we already have contactless bank cards, right? So as you’re scanned for tobacco and such, you’re bank card will be scanned and processed. Should you be in possession of a maxed-out card, as you approach the turnstile it won’t open. What do you do in such circumstances? Push it, right? The maxed card holder, upon attempting this manoeuvre, will  receive a short sharp shock of electrickery accompanied by electrically generated laughter and the loud message, ‘Maxed card alert. Entry denied.’ and more laughter. They will then, embarrassingly, have to withdraw to their own safe space. And no amount of, “But I want it NOW!” will get ‘em in.

This will for sure speed-up checking out as the chance of being stuck behind someone repeatedly inserting or waving their card in or over those key pad thingies and hoping the ‘No Funds Available’ message  will magically change, on the thirtieth attempt, to ‘You’re cool. Double up if you want.’ will be a thing of the past. Till throughput maximised.

This could also have the knock-on effect of, possibly, instilling a little financial discipline into the card holders after a couple of embarrassing entry refusals. Again, win, win.

Can’t be done? Think how much technology we now take for granted that we thought, not all that long ago, would never, ever be possible.

As Ripper points out, “Online shopping.” But...

Quote;  Will Rogers.

“Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people that they don't like.”