19 Jan 2018

And Then, Too Fast...

As my mammoth list of DIY projects has pretty much come to a welcome end, a comment I spotted many days ago clicked my memory trigger and I thought I’d type it here - with just a tad of embellishment. Thank you originator, whoever you are. It brightened my DIY day.

In line with modern PC conditions, may I stress the fact that this is NOT a true story. It never happened. It’s a bit of fun, Okay? Sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin:

I was in a store the other day when this big guy, dressed in orange, bound up to me, got in my face and said, “Hay, you want decking?” and what followed happened in a flash.

I thought, “Whoa!! Me or him?” and instantly brought my forehead down, fast and hard, onto his nose while simultaneously bringing my knee swiftly and forcefully up into his nether region.*

With his nose freely flowing with blood and his hands clutching the folds of his outer garments in the region wherein resided his dangly bits, he collapsed in a heap. I quickly scanned my immediate surroundings for any witnesses or CCTV and headed off for the exit at speed. It was then I remembered I was in the garden department at B & Q...

This bit from here on is true. I was in B & Q a week or so ago and found wot I wanted but needed to clarify something. I spotted a collection of staff behind the Information counter so headed on over. As I approached they paused from their morning meeting and looked my way. I opened with a phrase I’ve used on numerous occasions and which never fails to produce an initial look of confusion and concern that’s quickly followed by broad smiles.
“Good morning. You’re probably wondering why I’ve asked you all here today...” 
And once again, the reaction didn’t disappoint. Happy daze for one and all.

*As mentioned before, it’s critical when performing this manoeuvre that you only bring one knee up at any one time. Do NOT try lifting both knees simultaneously. It can’t be done. It may look and feel like we’re all living in a cartoon, a cartoon that gets more cartoonish with every passing day, but you still can’t replicate those Kung-Foo Pander moves. That’s pretend – this, sadly, is real.

Quote;  Michael Friedman.

”The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is ‘lunch’.”

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