8 Aug 2014

And Then A Visitor At The Door….

This morning we had a surprise ring of the bell and a knock at the door suggesting somebody was outside wishing to communicate with us inside.

What to do? Shout through the letterbox? Nah. Open the door I guess. This is always fun as, when we had new doors fitted I elected to have them opening outwards. If I see someone coming up the path I don’t like the look of I just fire the door open right quick and hard and deck ‘em.  ‘I’m a Jehovah’s whiteness’ sounds really funny coming from someone on the deck with a broken nose and missing teeth.

Okay, the real reason the doors open outwards is because we’re on the fringe of a flood plain so, in the unlikely event we get hit with rising water levels, as the water pressure increases outside it should increase pressure on the rubber weather proof door and doorframe gasket thus minimising or even completely stopping water ingress. Yes?

Right, the person at the door.
”Good morning.” said I to the stern looking lady before me, after opening the door slowly, believing this to be as good an opening gambit as any.
”Good morning. I’m from the local council pest control unit and….”
”Ah, right. You got a net or stun-gun with you?”
”Err, no I haven’t. I jus….”
”Well, you might get lucky. Try a promise of food and she may go quietly. She’s in the sitting room.”
”Oh boy. Is there a grown-up here I can talk to?”
”Indeed there is. I am he. Talk away. I’ll be good.”
”I promise as long as you don’t produce anymore throw-away lines.”
”Right. We’ve had reports that a rat’s been seen in this neighbourhood…”
”Hay! What did I say about throw-away lines?”
”Gimme strength. ….and wondered if you’ve seen anything.”
”No rats but I can point you in the direction of a little nest of vipers.”
”A nest of vipers!?!” Haaay, you promised!” Said the stern lady showing small cracks in her stony demeanour and a hint of sparkle in her gimlet eyes.
”A rat you say, right?”
”A rat; and wondered if you’d seen one.”
”Sorry. No, I haven’t seen a rat. A cat in a hat I have - but not a rat. Not even on a mat.”
”Good. So this is just to let you know we’ll be looking round gardens and drains in the neighbourhood for signs of a rat-run. Then, if you see smoke you’ll know we’ve got him.”
”Wow!! If you find a smoking rat I hope it’s in my garden! Man, The Sun will pay big bucks for the low-down on a suburban smoking rat, right?”
”Whatever. I’m going now.”
”Okay and thank you very big for brightening up an old mans morning. Bu-by.” I said, slowly closing the door on our brief friendship.
”Bub what? Oh, you mean by-by. By-by then.” Said the lady, skipping happily down the path back to the boredom of reality. Or the reality of boredom.

And the rat? I have the spooky feeling he’ll survive. Smoker or non-smoker.

Quote;  Terry Pratchett.

“But there was more to it than that. As the Amazing Maurice said, it was just a story about people and rats. And the difficult part of it was deciding who the people were, and who were the rats.”

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