3 Apr 2014

And Then, Breath….

It was interesting to watch Health Minister Mark Drakeford’s idea, regarding banning vaping in enclosed areas, crash and burn amongst the commenters on various sites that reported the Wales news. Sites too numerous to link to, but which you’ll find, with ease, should you be interested.

Minister Mark, may I humbly offer a couple of ideas that may re-enamour you with you adoring public?

First up, get your hair trimmed. Really, how old are you? Trim it back a tad lad. Second up, try some mouth stretching exercises so it looks more like a mouth and less like a sucker. Thirdly,  I’d like to offer you a suggestion which could re-launch your career and dispel your current image  as a slightly sad lad who’s forgotten that the word in your job description is ‘Health’ not ‘Control’.

It seems that this new proposed ban has little to do with smoking, second-hand smoke, or, indeed, anything to do with that irritating ‘Health’ word in your title. No, what seems to have  got you all ‘steamed’ up is simply people having the temerity to breath when in the company of others thus, it seems, tempting others to try breathing. Joking Mike.

But with this simple realisation to mind, I have a suggestion for what you may like to do. Actually there are two suggestions but the first is too obvious to recount here.

You ready Health Minister? When people enter what you consider to be an enclosed non-smoking area, they’d be obliged to tear a ticket from a roll – like those queue number machines you see at supermarket deli counters – and with your IQ Mister Mike, I’m guessing you can already see where this is going! See what we now have? In the enclosed pure air area we have a bunch of people with numbered tickets, half even, half odd.

The enclosed area also has two strobe lights, one red and one green. You’re waaaaaay ahead of me now aren’t you Micky? Red strobe comes on – even numbered ticket holders breath out and back in. Green strobe comes on, odd numbers breath out and in! So simple Mike. Controlling mass breathing in this manner will result in most of the expelled breath being re-inhaled by the original exhaler!!

Cross-breathing, something many studies have proven to be ‘not very nice’, is dramatically reduced at a stroke by the simple expedient of staggering the breathing process!! It’s a simple idea that, given a little time to condition the people, could be adapted to the workplace, the Welsh Assembly and any other gathering place. But the main focus must be on any and all areas  where people congregate just for the purpose of enjoyment and attempt to forget people like yourself even exist.

As more time passes it should be quite a simple step to condition the entire population to emit a low ‘mmmmmmmm’ sound while exhaling thus alerting any Timidadians in the immediate vicinity that exhalation is in progress and they should take immediate and appropriate action to avoid any foul second-hand air.

Any dissenters could quickly be branded ‘exhalerphobics’, then ridiculed, then marginalised.

Of course those with health related breathing difficulties will be exempt from the Synchronized Breathing Initiative and to alert others of their exclusion they’ll be required to display some form of logo attached to the sleeve of their overalls. A brightly coloured star motif or some-such.

To conclude with a three word summation Mr Duckford, are you nuts?

That was a false ending. Plain, coloured picture, packaging moves a step closer and the BBC reported it in a masterful display of  balanced  reporting; “An independent review into the benefits of plain packaging……” verses, “…..opponents of plain packaging, funded by the tobacco industry……”. I still can’t spot who’s side they’ve been instructed to come down on.

I trust that, as I type, some enterprising young buck is finessing his design for a thin tin, part sliding top lid, twenty cigarette capacity container complete with your favoured brand logo embossed upon it. What delightful irony if the young buck gets government business start-up funding.

Is it not a totally blue do……

Quote;  Noam Chomsky

“The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum....”


A K Haart said...

If vaping gets people off fags then what's the problem? Nobody believes the nonsense about normalizing smoking.

That is a small mouth isn't it? Do you think his anus is in the wrong place.

Mac said...

Well spotted. That answers many questions - he actually IS talking out of his ass!!