18 Aug 2013

And Then A Better Solution....

So they’re going to suspend drilling down near Balcombe. How did that run then?

How it may have gone down;

Important police person, “We have very reliable intelligence that those protesters, camped over the road, are planning a spot of civil disobedience shortly and we’re advising you to shutdown operations for a while.”
“Well, that’ll cost us a shed load o’ money but I guess we’d better shut down like you say then.”
“Good. We’ll be in touch when it’s all over. Hay, if there’s any tofu on site, best lock it up before you go, eh?”

How it should’ve gone down;

Important police person, “We have very reliable intelligence that those protesters, camped over the road.....”
“Camping? You mean trespassing, right?” Interrupts the Drill-site Manager.
“Errrr.... Anyway, reliable intelligence that they’re planning a spot of civil disobedience shortly and we’re advising you to shutdown operations for a while.”
“Whoa!! Let’s see if I’ve got that right. You know that some of those that are trespassing over the road are planning to, in effect, attack our perfectly legal workplace?”
“Errrrr..... That’s about right.” Shuffling his feet somewhat.
“And you want US to shut down? US?”
“Errrrr.....” Nervously glancing left and right.
“Didn’t I read somewhere that old Bill can now arrest people for inciting unrest an’ stuff? Even for just thinking about it? Or was that last bit just something I picked up in the Daily Mail? Anyhoo, why don’t you leave us alone and just whizz over there and lift the instigators? And keep hold of ‘em eh? Seems every time you drag one of ‘em away, giggling and smiling for the cameras, they’re back in twenty four hours after a shower and some nose-bag. Which reminds me; that guy we sent to the village for milk a couple of weeks ago? The guy who had to push his way back to the gate and that beardy-weirdy shouted, ‘Assault’. Remember? Any chance of getting him back before we finish up here?”
“Errrrr.....” unnecessarily checking the shine on his shoes.
“Never mind. Let’s try this so there’s no mistake. If this was my house and you knew that a couple of guys in a car over the road were planning to break in, you’d pop round and advise me to move out ‘till the house’d been done over, right?”
“Errrrr.....” Sweat forming on brow and in armpits.
“Rather than move out, am I correct in believing it’s now acceptable to use reasonable force, if confronted with a stranger in my house and to restrain said bad guy ‘till you lot’ve completed your Risk Assessment and roll up to arrest or caution him?”
“Errrrr... Oh, wait a minute!! I can answer that one. It is, indeed, acceptable to do as you say.” He beamed, dreamily lost in thoughts of Risk Assessment paperwork.

“Here’s my plan then.” Said the Drill-site Manager, “I was going to construct a big fence, topped with razor wire, round the work-site. Sadly, after this conversation and if we are attacked, all I can see you boys doing is issuing health and safety advice on the use of wire cutters and ladders. With that in mind, instead of all your chaps cluttering up the place, doing nothing, at great expense, could you just keep a couple of them out there to direct traffic and send the rest of them back to doing nothing where they came from? Are you up for that?”
“Errrrr.... Oh, traffic. That we are! May get some ticketing in as well!!”
“Okay; here’s what we’re going to do at this perfectly legal work-site where, by the way, we’re drilling, conventionally, for oil and not fracking for gas. Got that bit? Good. Please tell the BBC then. Please.
Right, what we’re going to do is spray paint a line round this legal site and I’m bringing fifty guys in from other locations and we’ll form a ring of Roughnecks round the site.

We’ll be five feet inside our perimeter so those musty, fusty, crusty fools will have time, as they advance, to realise the folly of their action before they get their lights punched out.”
“Errrr.... Fifty? Come on! There could be as many as five hundred of those musty... members of the public ready to att... cause civil unrest!!”
“You’re right. Fifty Roughnecks is probably a tad over the top. Thirty then; on split shifts. All done? Good, we’ve got an oil well to drill here. Buby.”

Quote; Alexis Carrel.

“Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia”


Anonymous said...

Hi Foggy, I covered this issue on my blog (alfrednautilus.wordpress.com) but not half as well or as funny as this piece. Thoroughly enjoyed it

Mac said...

Thanks AN, your comment is much appreciate and as a special little gift, for taking the time to look through the Foggy Mirror, I've added a link to your good self down left the way.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mac, much appreciated. I have done the same

Mac said...

Appreciated right back at ya! Thanks.
Another friend I'll, sadly, never meet. Reminds me of the old quote from, I believe, Dame Edna;
"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home."