It's Friday again and I guess a lot of you will be girding your loins ready for that festive fun of manic shopping over the coming weekend and the following few days. Remember to check out all the price slashed bargains while you're out there. For instance, Easter eggs are a snap right now!!
Before you go, (A) anyone out there got one of these? Any good? Right now, they're on special offer – right in front of the Easter eggs. I have the old Sony but the battery aint what it was and the screen seems to be getting dimmer. Wot? I seem to be getting dimmer? That's not what I said. Please, listen. The SCREEN'S getting dimmer. The Kindle you say? Great bit o' kit, but all my stuff's in epub format and I really don't want to do all that converty stuff. Again.
Before you go, (B) enjoy wot's below. Carry on, there's no, Before you go, (C)
Haaaay, you've guessed, it's an old one.
The 5 questions most feared by men are;
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she's prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is most likely one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you are.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shed-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course,is "Buy a Lotus and a sail boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Damn.
Quote; Jean Kerr.
"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you first get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house."
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