31 May 2011

And Then There Was A ‘Stop Press’….

I’m just this minute in receipt of this here tale wot is below. Thanks Rickey. Not sure who the originator is, so if you stumble through here, may I apologize in advance. And thank you also.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at the graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at the pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backwoods.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There was only the digger crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the coffin lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around as I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man, and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say to the others, "I aint never seen nothin' like that before, an’ I've been puttin’ septic tanks in for nigh on twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

As you know, you don’t get a free smile these days and if you haven’t yet seen the latest ‘Be Very Scared’ storey, here it is. Guess they’ll need money so they can get round all the farmers again and tell ‘em, “Crops, bio fuel – BAD; crops, food – GOOD. Again. For now.”

I would also guess it’s going to get a tad confusing for all those bears, leopards, tigers, three toed thingies and similar we’ve been saving when they realize they’ve been ‘saved’ just to go on the menu.

As for that old scary TV advert staring the cuddly drowning puppy dog, what now? Starve or drown, drown or starve? Or in the pot?

I do believe these fear mongers are starting to trip over each other. Or do they have some sort of private competition running? Or are they all getting a tad nervous?

At least we’ll be able to console ourselves with a fag and a scotch at the end as we fry, freeze, drown, starve or get exposed to a cucumber. Oh, wait a minute………

Quote; Stephen Wright.

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

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