24 Feb 2011

And Then It Was Tasted….

Okay, the pouring yogurt has been tried and tested by ‘my little nest of vipers’. It was not to her taste. She didn’t have to utter a word as her facial expression said it all and took me all the way back to the horrors of mothers home-made yogurt.

Although I knew what was happening to her taste buds, it was still the strangest site imaginable, watching someone trying to turn their own head inside-out.

Many, many years ago, as I tramped round the world on mans boats, spending pleasant evenings in various, nefarious sods operas round the world, I’ve had occasion to witness people attempting to turn other peoples heads inside-out, usually preceded by the aside, ‘He thinks he’s a big guy, but let me tell ya’, there’s nobody bigger than a brown ale bottle from behind.'

As a further aside of my own, this aside has, on occasion, proved to be wrong. With disastrous consequences for the brown ale bottle wielding aside sayer.

Did I tell you the true story of little Jimmy the welder and a pear?

We were somewhere close to the middle of the North Sea partaking of the evening meal when a guy came back from the green stuff and pudding counter with a pear. Little Jimmy the welder stated, much to everyone’s surprise, that he’d never had a pear and off he went to get one.

After a couple of bites little Jimmy the welder said how nice a pear was. Then, as if by magic, little Jimmy the welders head started to swell. Swell and turn an alarmingly bright red.

Noting little Jimmy the welders obvious discomfort we did our best to contain our laughter and show concern. However, our laughter became impossible to contain as little Jimmy the welders head continued to swell to the size of a medicine ball.

It was about this time that someone, through tears of laughter, noted that little Jimmy the welder was making fluttery but frantic hand signals which seemed to indicate he couldn’t breath. As the head swelling had now obscured his eyes, nose and mouth we could kind o’ relate to this.

We grabbed little Jimmy the welder and carried him down the hallway to the sick bay. This was going okay ‘till someone suggested we should be very careful with his head as we didn’t want to risk banging it and having it explode. Sad to say, laughter was back.

Fortunately, the medic was in attendance and the guys manoeuvring little Jimmy the welders feet through the door explained, best they could through their laughter, the no breathing phenomenon.

The medic, looking darkly at the laughers, prepared his kit but, sadly, also burst into hysterics as we eased little Jimmy the welders huge red head through the door. He quickly regained his composure and, with sharp knife and length of gas hose at the ready, prepared to do the ol’ trickyotomy thingy.

At this precise moment, a Nano-second away from a tricky thingy, and again as if by magic, little Jimmy the welders head started to deflate like letting air out of a balloon.

This whole affair, from head to really big red head, back to head, had taken no more than three or four minutes, and within a further twenty minutes little Jimmy the welder was back firing on all cylinders as if nothing had happened.

It was decided it could only have been some severe allergy to pears and for a long time there-after many people, mainly folk who didn’t witness first-hand the ever expanding red head, tried all manner of schemes and ruses to induce little Jimmy the welder to have a pear. He didn’t, and was observed to be very picky with his food for a long time after.

Little Jimmy the welder, some time later, did mention that, through the big red head period, his one fear was that his head would return to normal but the skin, having had a severe stretching, wouldn’t, and just hang round his head like a sad sack.

Having exhausted all my head tales, it’s back to yogurt; I do believe that’s pouring yogurt off the shopping list and the good ol’ fruity phony stuff back on the list. Job done.

Quote; Oscar Wilde.

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

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