22 Aug 2010

And Then I Navigated To The Coat Man….

Did I mention that a few months back I got me one of those satellite navigation Bongo-Bongo.... No, Tom-Tom do-hicky things for the car? Well, that I did. Aren’t they clever? And what’s with the voice? Man, recording all that stuff! Was that ever a mind numbing job, I be thinking to me, myself.

Oh, It is a recording, right? Please don’t tell me there’s a little hidden camera relaying journeys back to ‘Car Journey Control’ where people monitor and guide drivers on their merry way. It don’t work like that do it? It is a recording, right?

The one thing about the ‘Voice’ is how it changes when you don’t do exactly what it tells you to do. Does it change? Or is that something else that’s only in my head?

Fr’instance, let’s say I’m coming up to a roundabout and the ‘Voice’ tells me, “At the roundabout, take the second exit.” I kind o’ know this anyway as there are really, really big signs wot show the way, but I’m going to take the third exit as that’s where the really, really big sign be telling me the services are and I’m gagging for a coffee.

Going to the service area will also give me the chance to meet up with my pal, that nice guy that’s always in the car park, who’s always on his way to the airport after finishing a week at a trade fair. You met him? He’s in every motorway car park in the country. He needs to unload, at tremendous discount, the last of his ‘Italian Line’ of ‘leather’ coats as he don’t want to pay for excess baggage on his flight home to Hungapolskistan. You met him? When he winds his ‘hire car’ window down all you can smell is cheap plastic coats and his breath; breath which is possibly the result of an early lunch comprising something furry, with a long tail, that wasn’t quite dead when he ate it. You met him? You must’ve met him, he can’t hang about everywhere just waiting for me. Can he?

Anyhoo, I digress. As I pass by exit two, on my way to exit three, I’m absolutely convinced the ‘Voice’ changes to one that would be used for addressing an idiot. {How does it know it is, by the way?} The ‘Voice’ gives an exasperated sigh, then gets into me, “I said, – (poke in the chest) – take – (slap) – the – (slap) – SECOND – (slap) – exit – (poke in chest). Now, (slapaty slap slap slap) keep going a-roundabout the roundabout and, this time, TAKE THE EXIT I TELL YOU TO TAKE, OKAY?”

I must confess there’ve been times, on long journeys, when I’ve found myself apologising to the ‘Voice’ and explaining, in some detail, why I didn’t take the second exit. I mean, can it get any sadder than that? Can it?

As cleaver as he is, he have got me lost a couple or five times. I firmly believe this is just the ‘Voice’ taking revenge ‘couse of the times I didn’t take the second exit like wot he told me to be doing. This is when the ‘Voice’ changes again. Him thing changes to ‘smug’ as he, to me, be saying, “Well, I’ve no idea where you are. Guess you’re on your own now. Whoa! Not much gas left either.” A Sat Nav sort of, “Get a bit of that then, smart arse!!”

Quote; Douglas Adams.

“A common mistake that people make, when trying to design something completely foolproof, is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”

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