(1)Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
(3) Retrieve cat from the bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
(4)Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of cat's mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
(5)Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call missus from garden.
(6)Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls coming from cat. Get missus to hold cat's head firmly with one hand at the same time forcing a wooden ruler into the cat's mouth. Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
(7)Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap and make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up remains of Royal Doulton figurines and set aside for future repair.
(8)Wrap cat in large towel and get missus to lie on cat with cat's head just visible below armpit. Place pill in end of drinking straw. Force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down straw.
(9)Check label on pill box to make sure pills are not harmful to humans. Take long drink to wash away taste. Apply Band-Aid to missus' forearm and remove blood from carpet using cold water.
(10)Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and jam it's neck in door leaving only head showing. Force cat's mouth open with a dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
(11)Get screwdriver from garage and put hinges back on cupboard door. Throw away ripped T-shirt. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last anti-tetanus shots.
(12)Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed his new car whilst avoiding cat. Remove last pill from foil.
(13)Tie cat's paws with heavy duty garden twine and tie tightly to leg of dining table. Using heavy duty pruning gloves force cat's mouth open with a small spanner from garage. Push pill into cat's mouth,followed by a piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head vertically and force a pint of water down throat to wash down the pill.
(14)Get missus to drive you to hospital casualty department. Remain quiet and calm while doctor stitches fingers and most of forearm, whilst another removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
(15)Arrange for zoo to pick up cat and enquire at local pet shop if they have any hamsters.
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