16 Jun 2019

And Then An Excuse...

This Blogging thingy’s easier than I thought. Compose something and post it a little bit after a while ago then, as the need for it reappears, copy and paste in a new post. Job done.

And thus it came to pass with this news;
   A ban on adverts featuring “harmful gender stereotypes” or those which are likely to cause “serious or widespread offence” has come into force.
   The ban covers scenarios such as a man with his feet up while a woman cleans, or a woman failing to park a car.
   The UK’s advertising watchdog introduced the ban because it found some portrayals could play a part in “limiting people’s potential”

This ‘triggered’ my memory of a piece I found many years ago then pasted into a post.  I quick search shows it’s now widely posted ‘out there’. Laughed when I first found and read {for read, read red} it and still laugh every time I read it. If what the Advertising Standards believe to be true are indeed true, this could trigger an SJW total meltdown. For those who still possess a sense of humour in these drab, one size must fit all times, enjoy a few entries from the Guinness Book Of Female Records.

1. Car Parking: The smallest kerb-side space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins) equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Katherine Scoffings (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12 October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15 in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and left wing of her own and two adjacent cars as well as a shop front and two lamp-posts.

2. Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the hand-break on was one of 504 km (313 Miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 903 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning 2 miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

3. Shop Dithering: The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After just one hour her husband, sitting in a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both dresses. Mrs. Wilks, on the last day, bought one for 12 Pounds 99 Pence only to return the next day and change it for the other dress. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping
longevity, when, starting 17th September 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard’s window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks 2 days before, eventually, going home.

4. Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 198 at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on 12th February 1991. When the doors opened at 10:00, the initial scramble to get in took 16 lives with a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10 Pence, which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5 Pounds 28 Pence for the local boy scouts.

5. Talking about Nothing: Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancashire, and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7 August 1978, pausing only for tea, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Hetherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth* (GB) of Ipswich, who, between 11th November 1983 and 12th January1984, chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she’d left the bath running.
*Now Mrs. Peters.

6. Gossiping: On 18th February 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 14:10, Mrs. Banbury immediately began telling everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 14:30, she had told 128 people of the news. By 14:50 it had risen to 372 and by 16:00 that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Armature Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down, and the butcher’s wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 23:55 that night, Mrs. Blatherwick’s affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

7. Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-upon-Tyne on 12th October, 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by the other 146 members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 21:52 and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours and 37 minutes later.

8. Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot related question was achieved on 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Thurswick sat down with her husband to watch ‘The Ipcress File’. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 minutes 40 seconds before asking, “Is he a goodie or a baddie then; him in the glasses?” revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own previous record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 minutes 38 seconds of ‘633 Squadron’ before asking, “Is this a war film then, is it?”

9. Single Breath Sentence: An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing a breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she’d had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes 12 seconds without pausing for air, before finally going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliff Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was later sent home.
At the peak of her mammoth motor-mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of this marathon was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last 2 minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

10. Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51min 38sec by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards the Lake District.

Quote;  Ibrahim Hanif.

“Don't let your need to get offended get in the way of your ability to be entertained”

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