22 Dec 2014

And Then, Thanks To E-mail….

Thanks, yet again, to my good friend Rickey for forwarding the item you’ll eventually get to; assuming you started reading this at the top. But if the text you’re presently reading is blue, you missed or skipped this bit and, if your a borderline Timidadian, you may be in trouble.

Foggy warning!!  If you’re a Timidadian, fear not as I believe it’s perfectly safe for you to read on as there’s really nothing there that isn’t already in your belief system.

However, if you’re a borderline Timmy it may be best if you move quickly on when you see the text change colour to blue below as the blue bit may well tip you over the edge to becoming a total Timmy and  could completely ruin you Christmas as I’m sure you’re already showing the early signs of TSSS  - Timidadian Stress Saturation Syndrome – from contemplating the possibility of relations coming round and smoking down the bottom of  the garden, the terror of bursting balloons, exploding crackers, cracker surprise gifts with sharp bits,  gift wrapping-paper fire hazards, discarded parcel string tripping hazards, slightly under cooked big-bird meat and little bits of party-poppers that are destined for your eyes and your eyes only.

It’s about to turn blue so stop now! Move on!! You’ve been warned!!!


As we near the end of 2014, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel on the door handle, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ....

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by a white tailed Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large crow with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way:

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


{I looked about the Web a bit and, in the interest of good manners, can link to the original{?} post which do state that the author is unknown. Thank you original posting person, author unknown and special thanks to Rickey for finding it.}

You’ve what now? Seen it before? Guess what. You’re seeing it again then.

Quote;  George Gordon Byron.

“A timid mind is apt to mistake every scratch for a mortal wound.”

             Walter de la Mare.

“An hour's terror is better than a lifetime of timidity.”


A K Haart said...

"nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel."

That's an easy one - avoid water. My old dad never touched the stuff and he was still driving himself to the shops at ninety.

Mac said...

I'll most deffinately drink to that my friend!!