7 Dec 2011

And Then I Had An Invitation….

A couple of days ago I had a surprise invitation, by phone, to pop into the bank to discuss the management of my finances.
"Is your office well heated?"
"Er, heated you say? That it is."
"I'll be there."

If this had been in relation to managing my french-fries, fare enough. Managing my finances? He has to be kidding. The only time folk like me, with meagre finances to manage, get such an invitation, you just know they're selling stuff.

My idea of managing my finances is to wash the breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes in the shower while I take a shower to save a few bob on water and electrickery….. {Note; put the dirty dishes in first so they get a soak while you wait for the water to run hot enough for your body.}

The meeting proceeded after introductions and my comment that I considered myself as financially organized as a kitten with a ball of wool. A comment which seemed to bring a glint to his steely eyes. As we progressed I did my best, out of politeness, to pay attention to his financial wizardry while slowly easing my chair ever closer to the heating radiator.

Finally, with me draped over the radiator, his pitch for my cash drew to a close. I admit, that by this time, I had no idea which of the three cups the peanut was under so knew I was on a looser as far as making an informed decision was concerned. Should a decision have been required.

"So, what do you think of that idea then?"
"Absolutely spot on!! Let's just see if I've got it right. I give you all my money, less twenty pounds, which we'll laughingly call my emergency fund, and after five years, when I'll be an uncomprehending, gibbering, dribbling geriatric, I may get it all back, less substantial set-up, commission and management costs, but plus, possibly, up to five percent on top of what's left. Looking at my finances, what instantly springs to mind is an old Tull number stating, for the less financially fluent, that five percent of nothing is nothing at all. Also, I wasn't too keen on the way you emphasised 'may', by the way. it do seem a tad risky and expensive. It's also obviously escaped your notice that the whole World is on the brink of financial melt-down, you just working in a bank an' all, so let's think about an alternative. I know, what do you think of this idea then. I take all my money out of your bank and secrete it securely in a lockable location
somewhere super safe in my sleeping accommodation."
"Wha…… Oh, you mean lock it in a box in your bedroom?"
"That I do. Or I could just buy a pair of thermal socks and have done with it."
"You're not interested in my sales pitch then?"
"Correct, my frenzied, financial friend. However………"
"Yes? Yes?"
"………I must compliment you on your toasty warm
radiators. Bu-by."

Quote; Henry Ford.

“It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.”

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