As a renowned climate researcher may I start by thanking that highly respected unbiased broadcaster, the BBC, for yesterdays blanket propaganda coverage on behalf of the 'end of days' scare industry. The clips of big lumps of ice crashing into the sea to terrify the children were particularly well placed and it was an excellent idea not to mention when those clips may have been shot, the background story to them or to mention that this is happening all the time anyway. All the time. However, I do feel that not re-showing that excellent little clip of puppies drowning as sea levels rise at the alarming man-made rate of one millimetre, or less, a year, was a sadly missed opportunity.
May I further assure any remaining doubters out there that it's definitely still getting warmer! This must be obvious to even the dumbest of dumbos as there's been no appreciable rise in temperatures for what, fifteen or eighteen years now? Also winters have been pretty severe and summers nothing to write home about. As for the near record top and bottom ice cover, well, we don't have to explain that at all as any idiot knows that an increase in temperature leads to freezing. See? More heat, more ice. Got it? Really, it's so obvious.
The only fly in the ointment at the moment is the majority of our predicted pesky temperature rise seems to be in hiding. Our little problem was, where can we get away with saying it's hiding? Up a mountain? In a forest? That junk draw in the kitchen? In the garden of that weird little old lady down the road who shouts at buses? Too easy to check those out. So what my fellow researchers and I decided to do was stuff it down the bottom of the oceans. That'll do nicely. The majority of people, and Timidadians in particular, will happily fall for that load of impossibility and probably won't even allow their kids to paddle in the sea again in case that's the day the heat escapes and their toes get poached.
In fact there could even be a new grant stream, or as we climate researchers like to call it, a river of money, available for an attempt to prove this ocean kidology. Win – win for my lifetime.
The full report will be published on Monday and irrespective of how it may negatively impact on our scare industry, we can be confident that those who managed to stay on this side of those high, razor wire topped walls round the asylum and achieved high office, will continue to take you all down the highway of doom.
How those fellows avoided being sectioned years ago and managed to go on to attain positions of power and instigate the adoption of so much lunacy is worthy of a research grant in itself.
Quote; Carl Sagan.
"One of the saddest lessons of history is this; if we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. The bamboozle has captured us. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back."
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