And Then Farewell Tommy...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions."
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again.”
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Many more here.

Quote;  Steve Martin.

“Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.”